Dear (insert your name here),
Are you trying to kill me?
I'm beating over 100,000 times every single day to keep all systems going. I don't want to brag or anything, but without me you'd be dead. OK, I'll admit the brain is helpful but it has such a huge ego -- and I'm the one doing all of the work. I'm just not getting any respect.
You try pumping 1,900 gallons (7,200 L) of blood everyday and see how you do when all you're running on is a cup of coffee. Feed me! I need some energy.
The junk you do keep feeding me is clogging up my arteries and it's getting really hard to pump all of that blood around all of that guck. You call it plaque, I call it 911.
Eat more beans -- get over the farting thing and just eat them -- I love how they help me work more efficiently. Google Beano. It'll help you through those first couple of bean eating weeks.
Barley? Hello! Love it! Not only does it lower the cholesterol clogging me up it helps your GI (gastrointestinal tract).
Apples? One a day please! As a matter of fact, any food that's a source of soluble fibre is on my best friend list. So that goes for barley, peas, lentils, strawberries, beans, oats and oat bran. Feed me these beauties and keep my pipes clean. White fleshed fruits and veggies kick some royal plaque butt too. Pears, cucumbers, cauliflower -- aces!
Say bye-bye to white bread, white pasta, and white rice and a big howdy-do to whole grains like whole grain, whole wheat bread, whole grain pasta, and brown rice. Quinoa? It isn't a grain, it's a seed, but I love it too.
Fish? Salmon may be my favourite, but I love anchovies and other fatty fish -- those omega-3 fatty acids make me very happy.
Please let's stop snarfing down fast food. Would it kill you to eat some veggies? As a matter of fact, it could if you don't. I'm not playing hard ball here, just letting you in on the facts.
I've sent warnings. That rise in blood pressure, the breathless feeling you get after walking up the stairs, the whole tingling thing in your left arm; but so far nothing. Do not make me smite you.
How about riding a bike instead of the couch? Take me for a walk. Buy a dog and it's a two for one. Walk the dog, walk me and get unconditional doggie love to boot -- helps with my stress levels. Tai chi, yoga, meditation, or just remembering to take big deep breaths throughout the day helps my stress levels, too.
I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing my bit if you don't come on board. You need to try a little harder. Who am I kidding? You need to try a lot harder. Let's focus and make death wait!
P.S. Now go for a walk!