06/27/2016 05:40 EDT | Updated 06/27/2016 05:59 EDT

How To Lose Weight, Dignity, And Money All At Once

Jupiterimages via Getty Images
Woman holding stomach

Do you want to lose weight fast? Know anyone who does? If yes, then I have great news for you! I'm thinking about developing a weight loss device that will help you lose the weight you need, in the time you want to lose it.

The concept is pretty simple: all I do is insert an electrical device under the skin on the left side of your chest. Then I would set the device to release an electric shock directly to your heart whenever you attempted to eat anything containing sugar, carbs or fat. The shock wouldn't be enough to cause any major damage to your heart, just enough to remind you that if you keep eating, you'll gain weight, never find love and be alone forever.

I'll charge $2000 to insert the device and then another $2000 to remove it when you've either come to your senses and realized how insane this is or it nearly kills you. It's all the same to me. All I need is approval from the FDA and I can start putting operation " If you're large, get a charge!" in motion.

Could you imagine, even for a second, that the FDA would actually approve of an invasive weight loss gimmick that was so blatantly unhealthy?

Well, they did.

I'm not seriously creating any kind of torturous system to help people shame themselves into the bikini bodies they're desiring, but there are way too many people who are more than willing to offer "miracle" solutions to the weight loss dilemma that will hurt more than help and the FDA is approving some of them.

This month, The FDA approved a device that promises quick weight loss in minimal time and it has many physicians furious. The device is called AspireAssist and it's appalling.

The way it works, is that a tube is surgically implanted into the patients stomach using a port valve, which is an opening just above the belly button that can be opened or closed to drain food. Twenty or thirty minutes after eating, the patient would connect the pump to the valve and pump the food into the toilet, getting rid of up to 30% of the calories consumed at that meal.

Let's allow that to sink in for a second.

If you're thinking that it sounds a lot like an eating disorder, you're right. Dr. Jospeh Gutman, an endocrinologist from Philadelphia refers to it as "mechanized Bulimia" and has gathered a group of 750 doctors who want to sue the FDA and get this device removed from the market. His ultimate goal is to increase that group of physicians to 4000. Other risks to the AspireAssist include infection and valve leakage.

This procedure reminds of an old Saturday Night Live sketch from the 1980s, where guest host Burt Reynolds tried to pick up women in a Roman "vomitorium". The sketch was based on stories about ancient times when Romans would vomit as part of their fine dining experience.

I'm not sure what's scarier, the fact that there are so many people willing to go to such extreme lengths to lose weight or the fact that there are people in the health industry who would let them. Sadly, this isn't the first time an extreme weight loss device had hit the streets with permission from the health industry.

Let's take a look back at some of the more infuriating and head scratching products and diets that have been offered to us as a way of helping us get "healthier":

1. The Tongue Patch

For just $2000, we could have a mesh patch stitched to our tongues. The patch makes chewing solid food painful and difficult so we would have to rely on a purely liquid diet.

2. The K.E. diet

$1500/ 10 day plan

Designed specifically for the bride-to-be who wants to lose 5-20 pounds before their big day, this diet consists of a physician inserting a feeding tube into the nose that runs to the stomach. A slow drip of protein and fat is administered through the tube delivering up to 800 calories a day. The dieter has to walk around with this tube and bag of solution for 10 days. They could expect fatigue, constipation, bad breath and a lot of confused/ disgusted looks aimed in their direction. I'm baffled at how the same women who are horrified at the idea of being seen carrying an five "extra" pounds, would have no problem carrying around a bag of liquid being pumped through their nose.

3. The Tapeworm Diet

This diet is not approved by the FDA ( Thank Goodness) and is illegal in North America, however can allegedly ordered from other countries and requires the help of a physician (of some sort).

The dieter consumes the "worm egg pill" and it hatches in their digestive track, latching on to their abdominal wall. The worm then eats the foods that are being consumed by the dieter. After a few months, they are given an anti-parasitic medication to kill the worm.

The benefit: Weight loss

The risk: Death

When is enough going to be enough?

When will we stop putting how our bodies look over how they work and feel? When will we start appreciating what our bodies can do and stop judging them by how much they weigh?

The desire to be fit is a great one, but it's as if we've completely lost sight of what that actually means. We have stopped working with our bodies and insist on working against them, leaving us vulnerable to physical health issues as well as emotional and psychological ones. I'm not saying anything ground breaking when I say that extreme weight loss plans do not work long term and actually set us up for more weight gain down the road, and the real answer to a fit body is through regular (not excessive) exercise and eating a balanced (not extreme) diet. Simple? Yes. Easy? Not always. But the results will be long lasting and the risks non-existent.

Living a healthy lifestyle shouldn't be something we do because we hate our bodies, but something we do because we love them and want to take care of them. Keep your money and your dignity and lose the get-thin quick scams.

Self-worth shouldn't be measured in pounds.

Follow HuffPost Canada Blogs on Facebook