03/07/2013 05:41 EST | Updated 05/08/2013 05:12 EDT

The Seven Secrets of Spectacular Sex


Everyone wants better sex, but many of us have the wrong idea about how to make it happen. Here are the seven secrets to achieving a spectacular sex life.

The first thing we need to understand is that, despite what television, movies and videos say, sex is an experience, not a performance. When we're too self-conscious about how we're doing it, we can't enjoy what we're doing or who we're doing it with.

We need to stop imagining that during sex we're being rated for our skills. The truth is that technique is much less important than the connection we have with the other person. The better the connection, the better the sex, regardless of our technique or lack thereof.

Two, sex is a dance in which both partners must take turns leading and following. Listening is key, as is knowing when to take the initiative and when to let go of control. The more willing we are to participate in the dance, the better the sex will be.

Three, comfort is everything. Feeling a bit vulnerable during sex can be exciting, but feeling too vulnerable can ruin an otherwise potentially good sexual experience. It's crucial that each partner make a sincere effort to put the other person at ease so that both are in the mood for great sex.

The key to comfort is mutual respect. Whether it's a one-off encounter with no strings attached or a long-term, meaningful relationship, respecting each-other and valuing each-other as human beings will make sex more comfortable, and therefore more enjoyable.

Four, like most things, sex is better with a sense of humour. When we can laugh at our awkward, clumsy moments, our missteps and ungainliness, and when we don't judge our partner for theirs, we become more endearing to each-other and sex becomes sweeter and a lot less stressful.

Five, good sex is all about communication. We need to be clear with the other person about what we like and don't like, what we want and don't want. Otherwise, we're apt to be frustrated or irritated.

Being attracted to each-other doesn't mean that we can read each-other's minds. Expressing our likes and dislikes is part of creating the connection that leads to a more enjoyable sexual experience.

Six, the best sex is a balance between being open to new experiences and true to ourselves. It's great to try new things, or at least consider them, but we're abandoning ourselves if we go along with something that feels wrong. We should never do anything in sex -- including the choice to have sex -- if it doesn't feel like the right thing to do.

It's great to be adventurous in sex. It's one of the few ways that we can abandon ourselves in the moment and let go of our "shoulds" and our inhibitions. The right partner and lots of trust and respect makes this possible. Still, even with the best partner, we need to heed our inner wisdom and know our limits. Good sex is about respecting our partner and being true to ourselves.

Finally, great sex is all about giving and receiving. The best sex involves enjoying both the pleasure our partner is giving us and the fact that we're giving our partner pleasure. Sex that's one-sided is less fun for both partners. That's not to say that on occasion one person can't simply pleasure the other, but that ultimately, in great sex, both people's needs are being met.

A happy, fulfilling sex life is available to everyone. If we simply pay attention to these seven secrets, we'll discover the sexual satisfaction that we've never previously experienced.

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