"I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be." -- Douglas Adams
All human beings share some basic needs: food, shelter, safety. We've become adept at making sure those needs are taken care of with jobs, homes, supermarkets and all manner of modern convenience to ensure we're fed, warm, safe and dry.
Once we feel secure with the things we really need, we start wanting MORE. We want a bigger house with nicer decor, we want to be fulfilled by our jobs in a way that goes beyond drawing a paycheque, we crave all manner of tasty concoctions instead of the basic nutrition that is all our bodies really need. And sometimes we begin to confuse what we WANT with what we really NEED.
I've recently been struggling with this notion of needs versus wants. It started with my tweet to @netaporter about a black (of course) Rick Owens leather shirt jacket. I felt I really NEEDED and not just wanted it. But this isn't a post just about fashion and material wants... That struggle of wants versus needs has been top of mind for me in my everyday personal life -- it has been troubling me to the core.
Think about what you want versus what you need from the core relationships in your life. Look at any online dating site and you'll see people post a laundry list of attributes people want in a prospective partner, from sporty to affluent, ambitious to family-oriented. I wonder how many of those things are wants versus needs? It gets even more interesting when you wonder if what you WANT is really what's good for you.
Our own inner psychology can get so messy at times... We convince ourselves we need things that we really just want. And we start to want things that we really shouldn't want at all. The thing is that when your needs are met in a relationship you feel more fulfilled, so the checklist becomes less important. What you really NEED is what nurtures you and feeds the soul... it's not a simple checklist.
One of my earlier posts was about the Five I Ams, examining who I am in the world, what values are my guiding principles. Understanding what I NEED is a similar exercise; what do I need from my job, from my friends, family and partners -- even my closet!? I'm not at all saying that WANTS are a bad thing -- let's face it, they're most often the fun part -- the icing on the cupcake! It's instant gratification though. The WANTs won't fulfil your needs in a long-lasting satisfaction kind of way. Sometimes we take care of all our WANTS at the expense of our NEEDS and then wonder why we feel a gaping hole.
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need." -- The Rolling Stones
I think this is especially true these days when the message is really that "You can have it all!" Sometimes more choice is just MORE -- not BETTER! We're drowning in options about where to live, what to buy, what to eat for dinner tonight... right down to even who to choose as a partner! Everything we want is at our fingertips. But we don't seem to be getting better at finding the things we really NEED.
Nowadays, we have more choice of luxuries and "wants" than once existed. It certainly isn't making people any happier! We often think it's greener on the other side, only to find that it's the same grass, just a different shade. It makes me think that maybe we should be focusing on the things we actually need. Unfortunately, sometimes when we feel confused, we distract our tired souls by hopping online and indulging in a little midnight shopping spree... I know that's what I do! We use our WANTS to mask our real NEEDS.
OK, I certainly don't plan to stop indulging in those midnight online shopping sprees! (I'm still ME after all!) But in thinking about the difference between wants and needs, I've really started to examine what motivates my actions when I'm chasing one thing while craving another. What is really important to make me HAPPY? Maybe I do really NEED that Rick Owens shirt jacket and that's just fine. But I have to make sure I'm not confusing that desire with something else. What I really NEED in my life right now... perhaps that's not available from an online shop at all?
xo Natasha