06/12/2015 05:40 EDT | Updated 06/12/2016 05:59 EDT

Why Amy Schumer Should Be on the Cover of a Fashion Magazine

NEW YORK, NY - MAY 31:  Comedian Amy Schumer attends The 74th Annual Peabody Awards Ceremony at Cipriani Wall Street on May 31, 2015 in New York City.  (Photo by Jemal Countess/Getty Images for Peabody Awards)
Jemal Countess via Getty Images
NEW YORK, NY - MAY 31: Comedian Amy Schumer attends The 74th Annual Peabody Awards Ceremony at Cipriani Wall Street on May 31, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Jemal Countess/Getty Images for Peabody Awards)

Hail to the irreverent funny woman! "I'm probably like 160 pounds right now and I can catch a dick whenever I want, like, that's the truth. It's not a problem," said comedian Amy Schumer accepting "Trailblazer of the Year" honor at the UK Glamour magazine's "Women of the Year Awards."

Torrents of praise from women immediately flooded the social media: "Beyond brilliant," "She is Lady God," "I love you, Amy." Feminist bloggers wrote about feeling empowered by Ms. Schumer's words. One comment on one such blog post read: "Thank you for helping me see what is too close to see. This says everything I ever wanted to say."

Confused male. Round One.

Terrific. I join in the celebration. However, this male, for one, is confused. Please help. If it is empowering for a woman to openly declare that she is 160 pounds and can catch a dick -- trust me -- it also empowering for a man to say "I am 240 pounds right now and I can still nail a pussy." Go ahead -- really -- objectify me as a provider of sexual utility, play catch with my penis, laugh and feel empowered. But tell me, will you invite me to do the same with your intimate body parts?

Amy Schumer is asserting -- thank you, bless your heart! -- that both sexes can stay respectful and allow each other to be unguarded badasses.

Ms. Schumer's words resonated -- they pointed out that we do unto each other great harm when we stifle self-expression, tasteful or otherwise. Women want to speak up and to cut loose from the old inherited measures of personal worth. A promise of liberation seems to await on the other side.

Confused male. Round Two.

Ms. Schumer is dead right: "some of [women's magazines] make you feel bad just for being born with a pussy." Please help me understand. Why is that so? Who is the cog in the wheel of progress? Who are the editors of these magazines? Women. Classy, powerful women. Women who give powerful graduation speeches to young women who hope one day to become powerful women too.

Legendary fashion editor Anna Wintour picks every cover of American Vogue magazine. She does so as a business woman in the business of making money for the magazine's shareholders. Here is a paradox. Vogue is read by women, celebrated by women and edited by a woman. Are you, feminists, really powerless against the dictates of a corporate rationale? You have won bigger battles in the past.

Contemplate this delectable irony: guess who is on the cover of July's U.K. Glamour magazine, the sponsor of the event where Ms. Schumer was honored? Kate Hudson, who stays slim through "dancing, Pilates and running." Awesome. Healthy role model. But is that the desperately needed new cool message for today's women? Has it ever worked?

Only when fashion magazine editors get fired, it seems, do they freely talk about the responsibility of the fashion industry for anorexia and other ironies of female empowerment. Swallowing cotton balls soaked in orange juice and subjecting oneself to hospital drips to stay "Paris-thin," anyone?


Will a woman against the idea of featuring Amy Schumer on the cover of a fashion magazine please stand and speak up? I see no hands. Anyone? #AmyForCover. All the way!


(Original image by 92YTribeca on Flickr (CC). Modified by Nicholas Nazar.)

In search of clarity and hope

This male cannot wait for the time when, while discussing the intimate, both genders feel totally free. I cannot wait for the time when we both can poke fun and laugh at each other, all the while being confident that each means well.

Seriously, tell me, do I have your invitation to be sassy and irreverent with my words about your intimate body parts? Even when we are overheard? I am confident that if one of us strays into the inappropriate, the other will gently correct the course. With a smile and ballzy comeback, perhaps. Deal? Thank you, Amy Schumer.

#AmyForCover Wouldn't it be totally rad? Could you please tweet it?


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