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Put Sizzle Back Into Your Relationship (Without Sex?!)

I can teach you how to turn your hum-drum sex life and your lukewarm connection into a relationship that will deeply satisfy you both. Step one: be clear that this is not about sex -- and mean it.
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Let me see if I've got it right. You've been with that bright, independent, good-looking woman for a number of years now. You've learned how to weather the storms and support each other in the important decisions. You are really pretty content but you miss that fiery hot sex you shared in the beginning of your relationship, don't you? You are not alone -- so does she.

Pay attention now because I'm going to tell you how to get that good stuff back... and how to keep the fires burning bright.

Over the years you enjoyed lots of good sex and you're well accustomed to each other's styles and bodies. You long ago learned just the right moves to turn each other on -- one might say you've become expert at efficient sex.

Still, how long has it been since you spent hours building and dropping, caressing and teasing, coaxing each other to the brink again and again? Do you still feel intimate when you're sexual? Do you feel like you still really see one another, and like what you see?

If you are like many modern couples, you may be thinking, "Is this woman nuts? When would we both have the time, let alone the inclination, to make that happen?"

And I would answer you that not only am I sane, I can teach you how to turn your hum-drum sex life and your lukewarm connection into a relationship that will deeply satisfy you both.

First, tell your partner how much you've been missing spending uninterrupted quality time with her. Ask her when she can set aside a whole afternoon or evening just for the two of you (for extra points, volunteer to arrange the babysitter). Plan a meal that is private and intimate. Bring her home again to a bedroom you've prepared with clean sheets, candles, music, and scents. Have some oil waiting to caress onto her skin.

Explain that you have created this environment in the hope that you can create some intimacy with her. Be clear that this is not about sex -- and mean it. Tell her you've been derelict in letting her know how much you appreciate her, and give her examples. Talk to her about her importance to you and how she enriches your life.

Undress her slowly while you tell her how you love the different parts of her body. Anoint her... slowly... with that warm oil. Let conversation fade as you pamper her with no expectation that anything other than closeness and intimacy are on the menu.

When you are done, cover her and put the room right. Then spoon naked behind her until you both fall asleep. When you wake, thank her for giving you the opportunity to connect with her on a meaningful level again. Tell her how you appreciate the closeness.

"Omigawd," you say, "she is nuts. This has nothing to do with hot, sizzling sex!" To which I say, "Oh, yeah? Just listen."

If you have a good relationship that has been neglected while you organized schedules and tended to your Blackberries, this is precisely the prescription to start you on your way to re-prioritizing your relationship.

Men and women are different in how they approach sex. When women become detached from the immediacy and intimacy of their lovers, and in turn from their own sexuality, sex can seem like one more chore to be done before sleeping. In that state, arousal is often recognized only after the body is actually engaged, which can make women feel 'taken,' and they resist.

Reconnecting on a personal level with your woman without sex allows her to approach you safely. She can then identify with her own libidinous desires and associate them with this man (you!) who so adores her.

Your tiger is back!

Crazy like a fox, eh?

Warning: This is not a one-application remedy for a lacklustre sex life. It means prioritizing caring for the sensitivities and nuances of an important, ongoing, loving relationship between two people who approach sexuality differently.

I've given you wise advice here, fellows. If you take it, you'll have found a forum where you can let down your guard and really talk with your partner, and she'll have found a man with whom she can safely explore her fantasies and sexual abandon.

Really, that's what we're all seeking, isn't it?