11/01/2012 03:18 EDT | Updated 01/23/2014 06:58 EST

What NOT To Learn From Pornography: A Guide For Men


*Please note that this column contains what some could consider graphic sexual language and topics

The Internet has made pornography so easily accessible it is now only a click away. Porn can be an exciting, fun and easy way to get aroused. It can help to inspire you sexually and teach you about sex. But porn is "fantasy" and more often than not, a male-centric one.

Real-life sex is quite different. If you are learning how to have sex from porn, you may be getting misinformation, especially when it comes to pleasing a woman. Don't get misled.

If you want to know how to have sex with a woman (in reality), know that:

1. The clitoris actually does need some stimulation.

While only a small portion of porn shows any extended clitoral stimulation, more than two-thirds of women need "external" clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm.

The clitoris is the analogous organ to the head of the penis. Asking a woman to have an orgasm

without touching the clitoris is like asking a man to have an orgasm without touching the head of his penis -- possible, but unlikely.

2. Women DO need more time to build their arousal.

Porn loves to show horny women who need no build up to sex and orgasm. All a female porn character needs to get horny is to open a door to a pizza man with a lousy pick-up line and an average body. In reality most women need more.

A few things to consider when building a woman's arousal are:

  • Her pleasure

    Women in porn often "fake" their pleasure. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it is true. In reality, let a woman know you care about her pleasure, as well as yours, and she will be much more likely to enjoy sex with you.

  • Her idea of safety

    Women in porn don't have to worry about whether they are at risk. But in real life, physical and emotional safety can be an issue. Address her need to feel safe.

3. Anal intercourse needs preparation.

Anal sex takes time, patience and some preparation for all to enjoy it. Porn shows men stuffing their penises into any orifice -- no mess, no pain. This scenario is completely unrealistic. Anal sex is not always pain or feces-free. Talk to your lover before the act -- addressing her (and your) concerns, and consider:

  • Void (cleanse) before -- ALL of the women in porn receiving anal sex have had a thorough enema cleansing before the anal scene is shot. With a real-life partner you can eroticize this preparation, or at least ask her if she needs time to prepare.
  • Use a ton of lube -- porn-stars never seem to need more than a little spit to make a successful anal session, yet behind the camera sits a big jar of lube. Have yours available -- and use it.
  • Go SLOW! Women in porn have been prepped with fingers and butt plugs before they get to the huge penis.

4. ATM

There is a popular trend in porn that shows the penis going from a woman's anus to her mouth or vagina. This might be intriguing and arousing for some to watch, but in reality it can be a problem for most women, especially without proper preparation. Most people find feces in the mouth extremely unpleasant. And moving to the vagina from the anus can cause infections.

Avoid this unless she asks for it, and then only with a condom to reduce the risk of bacterial contamination.

5. Ejaculating outside the body isn't always necessary.

Porn movies show "come shots" outside of the body on purpose -- it is visual proof that there was "real pleasure." While it may be fun to watch and do, ejaculating on the face, butt, or stomach is over-represented in porn.

In reality, the sensation of coming inside the body can be extremely exciting and pleasurable for both men the woman, but is under-represented in porn because it is almost impossible to see with a regular camera.

6. Odd positions don't always work.

Porn actors contort their bodies into positions that are not always comfortable. They do this so that the audience can see the "action" -- the penis going into the vagina/anus. However, these positions are often not ideal for sexual satisfaction for either partner.

The rule is this: if it looks or feels uncomfortable, change positions.

Every woman is different in what positions she prefers. Ask her, or watch her reactions while in the various positions.

7. Women like to look too.

The majority of porn puts women as the center of attention -- pretty, sexy things to look at. The porn camera shoots from a man's perspective. But in reality, women get turned on by "visual" images of men too.

Most heterosexual women like to look at men, not necessarily women. Don't forget to show her a little bit of your sexy self.

Sex in real life doesn't have to suffer because you (or your man) bought into the myths and limitations of filmed-for-profit sex.

We have to be realistic about how porn affects our real sex lives. Until more women are vocal about what they like (and don't like), porn will remain primarily made-for-men, teaching them inaccuracies around sexuality.

As more women enter the porn industry and partake in amateur porn, we are seeing hopeful signs that these stereotypes are changing, but this change is surprisingly slow.

Tell us the things you wished you could tell a porn producer... What do you wish porn did better? Give your opinion in a short questionnaire.

Read more about what women think of pornography