08/21/2014 03:24 EDT | Updated 10/21/2014 05:59 EDT

If Students Were Money And Schools Were Banks, Then Teachers Would Be...

Begin additional duties during entire contract term including: motivational speaker, crisis care manager, strategist, behavioral specialist, materials manager, writer, public relations representative, technology manager, first aid attendant, complaints department manager, and role model.

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If students were money and schools were banks, then teachers would be long-term investment managers!

Job Posting: Long-term investment managers (a.k.a. "teachers")

Contract Dates: August 15 - June 30


Five years post-secondary (minimum) which must include a year of onsite training (volunteer), including a practicum, and eventual certification in accordance with provincial requirements.

The successful applicant would greatly benefit from private pursuit of a master's degree. Additional course work up to and including a doctorate is often helpful for advancement in the firm, herein referred to as BCS Corporation (a.k.a. "B.C. schools").

Safety certification is mandatory. Applicant must also have a clean criminal record check and maintain membership in local and provincial specialist and governing bodies.

Job Description:

As an employee of BCS Corp., you must be flexible to work in yearly quarters and accept varying contracts on a per year basis. Candidates must thrive in an environment of constant change involving flexibility of tasks, roles, and work hours.

You must efficiently oversee 20 to 30 Portfolios daily over a span of seven to 12 hours each day. Because you will be managing valuable and priceless works of art (a.k.a. "students", herein referred to as Portfolios), direct supervision of your caseload will be overseen by a security team of 40 to 60 persons (a.k.a. "parents") with whom you must maintain open and regular communication.

It cannot be overstated that you must maintain supervisory contact over each Portfolio on a minute by minute basis during regular office hours (i.e. "9 a.m.-3 p.m.") . Ability to remain flexible with a break schedule is absolutely imperative.

After hours (before 9 and after 3) you will also be required to prepare observations and analysis of your Portfolios' progress informally and formally, in a variety of forms including meetings and written reports for at least three terms each year.

Indirect stakeholders (a.k.a. alumni, neighbours, district staff, and politicians) include several hundred people who will have direct and indirect access to BCS buildings and will have regular opportunities to observe the efficiency of your management techniques.

One or two BCS Corp. executives (a.k.a. "principals") will be provided onsite to support your Portfolio caseload or with intervention as needed. A consultation Team (a.k.a. "school-based team: counsellors, psychologists, speech language pathologists, resource teachers") will be available to review your Portfolios as required at your written request.

Applicant must attend regular bi-weekly executive meetings brainstorming strategies to increase productivity, efficiency, and safety protocol including the creation and practice of contingency plans for Portfolio preservation in case of potential theft or disaster (a.k.a. "fire drills, earthquake drills, Code Red & Yellow, etc.")

Salary is based on a sliding scale over 10 years. If hired, the successful applicant will earn an introductory salary in line with not-for-profit firms. Any changes to pay or contracts will be negotiated at the provincial level and involve public forums.


As compensation for these inconveniences, employees at BCS Corp. will earn partial shares in each Portfolio that succeeds under your management (a.k.a. "hugs and adorable handmade thank-you cards").

Alternatively, responsibility of each Portfolio that remained static or failed to grow under your care will be deducted from your shares at the end of each contract year (a.k.a. "negative schoolyard gossip by students and parents.")

Good medical and dental benefits will be provided to compensate for increased exposure to various pressures on your immune system.

You will be assigned your Portfolio caseload in early September. First remuneration will begin one month after duties begin in August. Please be prepared to set up your own office environment including ordering office materials, installation of computers, etc.

Chief Duties:

Aug. 15-31: Furniture moving, interior design & decorating, general Portfolio research, office management.


Portfolios are assigned. Begin specific Portfolio research and keep regular office hours (a.k.a. "back to school").

Begin additional duties during entire contract term including: motivational speaker, crisis care manager, strategist, behavioral specialist, materials manager, writer, public relations representative, technology manager, first aid attendant, complaints department manager, and role model.

Expect an increasing number of executive team meetings and other investment managers with whom you must practice teamwork and cooperation exercises. Begin formal written communication to your security team including first-term goals and expectations.

Commence regular analysis and reflection of Portfolio caseload. Additionally, begin to adopt various causes of pro bono work outside of regular office hours to improve your Portfolio caseload's chance of success but also to benefit BCS Corporation's media profile, as observed by stakeholders (a.k.a. "the public").


Continue with Daily Management of Portfolios, Pro bono, and Team Meetings, Field Study, as appropriate, Portfolio Accounting (a.k.a. "school fundraising, etc."), Professional Self-Improvement, and Informal & Formal Security Team Meetings. (This must continue each month of each contract year as well as Interior Design.

Additionally this month you must meet individually or in pairs with each member of your forty to sixty person Security Team (a.k.a. "parents") to report initial observations and strategies for success. Critical and constructive feedback will be provided after each meeting by your Security Team. Extra behavioral management techniques will be required for the last week of this month (a.k.a. "sugar rush due to Halloween").


Continue with regular duties as listed above. Additionally, prepare Portfolios for presentation to security team and stakeholders for several dates this month (a.k.a. "holiday concerts") at dates to be predetermined by executives. In preparation for these events, additional interior design including use of decorations will be required.

Prepare and administer first formal Portfolio progress reports in writing.

BCS Corporation will close office hours for two weeks. Continue at-home analysis and in-depth planning for second term, if you hadn't already done this in Term 1 or summer. Additionally, any Portfolio information that has not been studied by you should be seen to now (a.k.a. "catch up on your marking.")

Now repeat above cycle twice for January to March and April to June with variations too numerous to recount.

January: Additionally, apply for BCS Corporation's summer employment opportunities, as needed or desired.

June: Additionally, prepare analysis of Portfolio information to executives. This is essential in preparing for Portfolio transfer; extra meetings with team members and executives imperative.

Aug. 15: Begin cycle anew.


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