02/28/2015 06:13 EST | Updated 04/30/2015 05:59 EDT

What Your Mixed Drink Says About You

Vodka Diet

Appropriately dubbed the "skinny bitch," this cocktail tastes like your preferred fluid/life-blood diet Coke, but made a bit naughtier. This drink is never drunk without a straw, because you're probably worried about your tooth enamel. You wore light wash ripped boyfriend jeans to the bar and think of yourself as "totally a hat person."

Vodka Cran

Either you're 19 and still like things because they're pink, or you've had wall-to-wall UTIs since last August. Bonus points if you come up to the bar and ask for a Cape Cod like Cosmo told you to. Bonus points if you ask for diet cranberry juice, which is basically aspartame gussied up for its senior prom.

Rum and Coke

You take drinking advice from the Trailer Park Boys, which isn't totally unacceptable because those guys can DRINK. This cocktail is made more acceptable with the substitution of dark rum, but if you ask specifically for white rum, you should head back to that high school house party and get your beer bong back, because Shmitty and the boys are probably mistreating her (you've thought about it and it's definitely a "her" because it's totally "gay" otherwise). Don't forget your visor with the fake spiky hair at the bar, you'll need that later to deter the police.

Tequila Bar Lime

Basically a back-alley margarita, this is one step above ordering a glass of water with lemon and emptying sugar packets into it. You ordered this drink because you saw your fun friend ask for it at a themed club night, and you've always wanted to be more like him/her. He/she is so open-minded and free-spirited and may be getting handsy with the coat check clerk on a pile of Canada Goose bombers.

Vodka Soda

The cousin of the Skinny Bitch, this drink is for people worried about both their sugar and sodium intakes. You're either a young woman or a beefy guy with a chinstrap beard and faux-tattoo t-shirt. You've asked for the drink with extra lime because you want to distract yourself from the worst tasting water ever. If you make a big deal about asking for a premium vodka, you probably won't notice that we just topped it up with rubbing alcohol.

Jager and Milk

Your halfway house just called.

Rye and Ginger

You're too serious and pretentious to make fun of this drink because it's your preferred tipply. You probably worried about how mean this article is and sent three clingy texts with it attached to make sure the internet wouldn't eat you alive. You're not actually this judgmental, but you do it to be funny. You have residual self-esteem issues from puberty and aren't over the fact that a jazz flutist spurned your advances over MSN when you were 13. You drink these to temporarily forget about the relentless onslaught of negativity that you churn out daily to prevent people from getting too close. You should probably put down the drink and get a therapist, but these are way cheaper and make you cry less. You too, Milk + Jager, Now go hold Vodka Cran's hair while she simultaneously crybarfs and drunk dials.


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