03/18/2013 12:11 EDT | Updated 05/18/2013 05:12 EDT

10 Reasons This Mom Would Get Evicted From "Big Brother Canada"

Shaw Media

When I first heard that Big Brother was coming to Canada, I immediately began mentally creating my audition tape. What better TV than a mother of four trapped in a house with 14 other people...OK, so not a huge stretch from the life I currently live if you throw in my husband, the kids, their friends, my relatives; easily more than 15 people.

But then my children burst my bubble by pointing out, "Mom, you'd be the first one evicted." What? Why?


"Big Brother Canada" Season 1 Cast

1. Well, for one, I don't think I'd have the energy for all the game playing and the strategy. One look at that backyard with the pool, the weights, and the cardio machines, and I'd be like, "Well alright!" ~Cut to every scene of me on the elliptical telling any Houseguest approaching for game talk: "Can you come back in a minute? Mommy's needs a moment."~

2. Unlike some of the older houseguests on the U.S. version of Big Brother who took over the role of the parent figure in the house, and subsequently prepared the meals, cleaned the bathroom, and took out the trash, I would be walking over other people's garbage before I'd be bending over to pick it up...Yo peeps! My own kids clean up after themselves; you think I'm here to be your momma?

3. The "Have/Have Not" scenarios would not bother me one bit. Being on slop would be like dieting for a week (I've been on the cabbage soup diet; I can handle the digestive dysfunction created by slop). As for the sleeping arrangements in the "Have Not" room, well, I've been camping in a two-man tent with four toddlers for a week. Not to mention, as a mother, it is not unusual to wake up in the dark of night to a frantic child by my bedside crying, "I just puked all over the bathroom floor." Sleeping in the cot in the "Have Not" room, where I'm guaranteed a semi-full night of sleep is not considered being deprived. In my world, it's called a vacay.

4. My habit of saying, "Can I be honest with you?" followed by, "You're being a hypocrite," would probably not go over well in a house filled with people who have proven over and over again by their indignation at finding out that someone they have backstabbed has in turned backstabbed them.

5. If I was the winner of the "Have/Have Not" competition, there would be no chips left in the storage room. Because I would have eaten them. Because I would justify my chip binging by pointing out all the working out I've been doing since coming to the house and all the weight I lost during the week I was on slop. Sorry Houseguests, momma loves her some sweet spicy chili Doritos.

6. One look at the hot tub, where the "couples" make out, and I'd be repeating into the mic around my neck, "Big Brother! Big Brother! Can we get this thing disinfected please? It's a cesspool of bacteria." If the Houseguests didn't vote me out, after being badgered by me over and over again, the producers of Big Brother would finesse a "twist" in which I was evicted, regardless of whether I was on the block or not.

7. And speaking of the couples, I would be a) counselling some (Alec and Topaz), b) encouraging others to break up (Tom and Liza), and c) ingratiating myself in order to be the matron of honour at their wedding (Emmett and Jillian).

8. The Houseguests would constantly be making fun of me behind my back, and plotting my exit because they'd be sick of hearing me ask them, "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" (Have you heard the potty mouth on these Houseguests?)

9. When one of the girls (Liza!) would proudly declare, "I'm voting the way Tom is," I'd be all, "Oh no no no no honey...honey honey honey! Let's have a little talk about something called self-respect." And while we're on the topic of self-respect, I'd probably have pulled Talla from her lap dance by her ear.

10. I'd get thrown out of the Big Brother house for inappropriate behaviour...there's no way I could last for more than a day without punching Tom in the face....And then my kids would see it, and what kind of an example would that be...speaking of self-respect and all.