05/19/2016 12:44 EDT | Updated 05/20/2017 05:12 EDT

Kirk Cameron's Outdated Views On Marriage Don't Deserve Attention

Rick Diamond via Getty Images
NASHVILLE, TN - MAY 31: Host Kirk Cameron and wife actress Chelsea Noble speak onstage during the 3rd Annual KLOVE Fan Awards at the Grand Ole Opry House on May 31, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Rick Diamond/Getty Images for KLOVE)

So, Kirk Cameron's made the news recently, which no one should give a flying fuck about. Somehow, however, it's in every major magazine -- and all this time I thought his name was Kurt Cameron.

One way or another, his views are still relevant or provocative enough that the fact that his last movie, called Saving Christmas(!), wasn't a hindrance to the publications splashing his opinion all over the world wide weberooni.

Get ready for this guys... Kirk Cameron believes (drum roll please) that, "Wives are to honour and respect and follow their husband's lead, not to tell their husband how he ought to be a better husband. When each person gets their part right, regardless of how their spouse is treating them, there is hope for real change in their marriage." 

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? I'm so serious. Partners, PARTNERS are supposed to honour each other and treat each other with respect.

And does "when each person gets their part right" mean when the woman shuts up and bares down in her apron while the chicken's roasting?

Leadership no longer exclusively relies on le Bible or, more notably (i.e. not written eleven-kaJILLION years ago by a man in a tent), the anthropological necessity to hunt and gather while the wifey, like, just nearly made it through childbirth and is trying not to do anything that'll make her look like a witch.

And does "when each person gets their part right" mean when the woman shuts up and bares down in her apron while the chicken's roasting? And does that, then, make a man a better husband because his wife is too demure and repressed to explain what a fucking delusional asshat he is?

Kurt Cameron, it's 2016. Maybe the mistreatment is the problem, and the origin of your ideology the problem.

I mean, how can anyone in this day and age possibly resonate with such obvious, dated, sexist bullshit (unless you're huffing paint in the South)? How does it even make sense that only women warrant feedback from their partner (whilst diddling in the shadows), whereas men, in their continually unmarred position of simply possessing a cock and the ability to parallel park, glisten with the inherent knowledge of all that it takes to be a commendable spouse? Bitch, please!

Apparently, Cameron answers this (depending on your definition of answer) by stating that, "a lot of people don't know that marriage comes with instructions" and "we find them right there in God's word."

(And here I was thinking it was about mutual love, respect and communication with the occasional trip to the shrink.)

Well, you know what, Kurty? God also said random shit like, "don't eat seafood without fins" and "don't wear clothes made of two different materials" and I'll be damned if you don't toss back a California roll every now and again in a creamy cotton-polyester blend (I know you do, Kurt, I know you do).

So, Kirk/Kurt, bubby, baby, we're glad you found an alternative to methamphetamines to heal your wounds as a failed actor.

But if you could just keep it to yourself, all of us in this century would greatly appreciate it.


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