10/09/2015 12:30 EDT | Updated 10/09/2016 05:12 EDT

Just Because You Can Have Kids Doesn't Mean You Should

JGI/Jamie Grill via Getty Images

At the ripe old age of 28, I still, sincerely, don't know how I feel about having kids. Not about other people having kids -- that I know (no more than two and for God's sake don't helicopter parent, it creates MONSTERS and someday one of them will have to be PRIME MINISTER!). I'm talking about me, personally, having children.

And slowly I'm starting to feel like the odd one out amongst my friends. Not that they have kids yet, but they all want them. One, in particular, is totally bananas. I'm convinced someone must've flicked her clit on like a light switch *BOOP* (note: if you flick your clit and it makes the noise *BOOP* please see a doctor). Now she's practically eating children off the sidewalk. You guys have a friend like this? She's sends me pictures of tiny glittery shoes (like, what are you doing at Baby Gap at 9 p.m. on a Thursday)? She's tagging me in pictures on Instagram of other people's babies that I'll never meet in my life. She's just like 5 cm dilated at ALL times. She doesn't even have a boyfriend! I'm convinced she just wants to feel something inside of her! Or have something to pull out, ya know? Poor lass.

Anyway, the point is, when my friends ask me if I wanna make bebes and my response is, "I'm not sure," their reaction is typically "Yes, you do!" or "You will eventually" or, my personal favourite, "Well, that's selfish."

I mean I guess I kind of get it (aside from the selfish comment because, seriously, eat shit). I'm incredibly (annoyingly?) nurturing to my friends and family and I'm sure their reactions are completely well-intentioned (again, aside from the selfish comment). But it's 2015. Why does me not wanting to have kids seem so outrageous? I'll tell you what I think is outrageous:

1) Contributing to our gross overpopulation problem. (Sorry, I'm not into monsoons or only eating foraged seeds for the rest of my life thanks.)

2) Having children when you don't really know if you want them but having them anyway because you think you should (we have enough sociopaths do we not?).

3) Having kids before you're ready. (I found a five-dollar bill recently and nearly creamed my pants. How would this child survive?)

4) Worrying about EVERYTHING for the next...OH YAH FOREVER (I cannot bald. My hair is all I have!)

5) Having to pretend to like douche bag kids that my kids play with because they haven't yet learned what standards are.

6) Doing SOMEONE ELSE'S homework instead of having sex.

7) Needing adult diapers sooner than anticipated.

8) Having a moment in time where my asshole and snatch are one. I give you, the snatchhole.

9) Giving up sleep for, probably, the rest of my life (GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE guys, for real).

10) Thinking that working hard, travelling, volunteering, caring for my partner and our animals or having more time and money to spend with my parents is selfish. It's just different.

So suck it. UNH.


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