Dear Sun News Network,
Your removal of our recent interview from your website, and again from my YouTube channel, has me very confused given your heroic protection of free speech in the past. I will be making the video available to anyone who emails me at firstname.lastname@example.org, but in the meantime, I hope this letter will correct what seems to be a misunderstanding of my point of view.
When I received the email inviting me to be interviewed by esteemed journalist Adrienne Batra, I was so overcome with joy that I dropped my cat in the bathtub. I still remember every word: "We're very interested in having you on the show tomorrow to discuss the cuts to CBC funding. I saw your iPolitics piece titled 'What not to fund' from a while back, and I loved it."
I thanked the producer for not wasting my time with a pre-interview, and the next day drove to the Los Angeles CNN studio (sacred ground for serious journalists like me) to speak with Adrienne "via satellite." I arrived several hours early and paced around the green room rehearsing my points: CBC News is biased towards verifiable facts, environmentalists are just terrorists with better beards, white is white, black is black (preferably not too black), don't bite the invisible hand that feeds you.
The experience of the interview is hard to express in words -- it was a blur of excitement. Let's just say that now I know what it's probably like to win a Spike Guys' Choice Award! But alas, the exhilaration was fleeting. As soon as the interview ended, I realized I had so much more to say. So many more opinions to shout into that camera.
"I could have done more!" I screamed at the valet as he returned my keys. I felt like Oskar Schindler at the end of Schindler's list. I was exactly like Oskar Schindler.
But then the most wonderful thing happened! I received another email from the producer! "Thank you so much, Scott! You were great! We'll definitely have to have you on again."
It was as though an oil pipeline had been laid from heaven to my heart and instead of just oil it pumped bliss and oil. I spent the evening in a shirt and tie, sitting on the edge of my imported Swedish futon, practicing for future interviews:
"That's right Adrienne, the government shouldn't spend our money. Only the market understands which bubbles to inflate and pop."
"Indeed Adrienne, I think of the planet as a toilet. And when it gets filled to the brim with pollution, God will reach down and flush us up to heaven."
"That's an excellent point Adrienne, unions didn't get us worker safety regulations and a ban on child labour. Those things were generously offered by rich men who were visited by ghosts and filled with the Christmas spirit."
However, the next morning, as I sat down in front of my bowl of Lucky Charms to watch our interview for the 182nd time, I was met with a devastating message: "This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by Sun News Network."
"Nooooooooo!" I screamed in slow motion at my cat. I was hurt and confused. How could a network that fights so vigorously for free speech try to silence my voice? Not just mine, but its own?
So I implore your wisest, eldest elders, if I can't live my dream of being a regular guest on your network, please at least allow the video of our fleeting, precious time together to exist.
Yours always, even if you get cancelled for your embarrassingly low ratings,
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