Relationship therapists everywhere have been digesting the conversation started a few months ago by Daniel Bergner about female desire. As in sexual desire. As in libido.
We've been as eye-opened as the rest.
Since we started seeing clients, and for as long as we've been talking to women (a very long time), we have been struck by what seems to be a trend of restlessness. Women in particular, in solid marriages or long-term relationships, have been complaining that something is lacking.
That something, most often, is passion.
Bergner's book, What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire, makes us look at women's lust and libido in a whole new way. As it turns out, women's desire can start to wane between one and four years of being with the same partner. The waning factor being the committed relationship, being monogamy. Really. It's backed up by research. In fact, Bergner even wonders if "monogamy's cure" may lie in the development of a female libido pill which would "reach into the psyche."
No longer can we therapists insist that all you need is trust and communication to rekindle that fire. Emotional closeness may bring security, but it may also be dousing the flames of desire.
At 3view, we ascribe to attachment theories for couples counselling. We believe in the mainstream view that healthy relationships depend on closeness, empathy, intimacy, and trust. And yet, we also believe that healthy relationships require a balance of passion and stability.
So, this may be one of the greatest conundrums a couple can face. How to have a stable and secure relationship, and keep the passion alive? How to become a family (with or without children) and yet remain lovers?
Bergner cites research that shows "women who don't live with their partners retain their desire much more than women who do." As therapists we see this more as a clue than a recommendation. Sure, it works for some couples to live apart. But for many others, this is not the solution. Just as popping a pill for desire may not be the answer either.
Further research, understanding, and shifts in our culture's acceptance of women's sexual desire, will shed more light on this delicate balance in relationships. For those couples who have found their own keys to passion, or who prefer to bask in their rock-solid stability, keep it up. For the rest of you, we have gathered research, clues, and client feedback for some practical ways to stay hot and heavy:
1. Try new activities or experiences together. If you have children, get a babysitter once a week. Studies have shown that sharing an activity that is novel and exciting can increase your sense of passion.
2. Fight the urge to use pet names or speak to your lover in a way that turns them into something cute, like a child or pet or teddybear. Remind your partner how sexy or hot or desirable he or she is.
3. Kiss on the mouth regularly, during sex and at other times.
4. Have separate bathrooms, if possible. If you have to share, don't use it at the same time for functional purposes, like brushing teeth. Sexy candle-lit baths and showers are OK... actually, better than OK.
5. Have separate closets, if possible. Either way, get dressed in private, except when you deliberately want to strip in front of your lover. Keep some of the mystery and unfamiliarity alive.
6. Plan to meet at a restaurant or date venue, rather than going there together. You did that at the beginning before you lived together and when you still had knots of excitement in your stomach.
7. If you can afford it, hire a housecleaner. You can spend your Sunday afternoons in bed rather than arguing over who vacuums the living room.
8. Maintain healthy boundaries with family and in-laws. You can still have a healthy relationship with your relatives without you and your lover becoming siblings.
9. Try not to spend every evening together. Go out and give each other space. Distance and space can increase longing. Remember Brokeback Mountain?
10. Remember the efforts you made for your lover at the beginning, especially around grooming and self-care. Those pyjamas with the worn-out hole in them may be really comfortable -- and even cute the first time you wore them. They're not hot.
11. Sometimes forget making love. Have sex. Scratch each others' backs. Pull each others' hair. Share fantasies. Forget for an hour or two all the daily demands, the mess in the kitchen, the heap of bills, and making children's lunches. Go a little wild.
12. Go on vacations together, alone. Even if you have children, try and get away for a night or two, or longer. Explore a new city. Wear provocative swimwear on a beach. Drink local wine. Sleep in a new bed. Have an adventure.