09/14/2012 12:21 EDT | Updated 11/14/2012 05:12 EST

Want New Boobies? A Handful of Advice

This is an actual Tweet I received the other day:

@tweetsuro like many Asian women I'm not so busty. Been saving up for implants, debating between a C or D cup. Am only 5'3 but I figure go big or go home. Thoughts?

Dear A-Cup Asian,

As a man who doesn't have breasts, I should point out that I have zero expertise on this matter. But given how that has never stopped any man in the history of the world from weighing in on topics he knows nothing about, here goes!

Do you know what kind of breasts men like? The kind with nipples.

Because no matter what, sex with a woman is still sex with a woman. You see, men think of sex the way women think of chocolate; even if it's low-quality, melted/re-solidified/chalky (the kind you find in discount bins in pharmacy aisles) bad chocolate is still chocolate!

Now I'm not saying big breasts don't have a place in our culture. Obviously there are legions of males who are fixated on seeking out mammaries the size of their own heads. But that's because they are subconsciously attempting to relive fond memories of breast-feeding until they were old enough to drive.

But we are so constantly bombarded with imagery of buxom women, it's gotten to the point, where even if we don't personally prefer that body type, boobvertizing has us trained to stare like Pavlovian dogs. But here's the thing; what men are bombarded with, and what they personally want are two very different things.

Just as women enjoy looking at the abtastic men of "True Blood," or drool over the strippers in "Magic Mike", we men understand that when you read 50 Shades of Grey, you're not mentally casting us as Christian Grey, but when you close the book, it's schlubs like us who get the girl.


Perhaps, A-Cup Girl, your answer lies in what's hot in porn.

As someone who has seen a LOT of it, (what can I say? I'm Japanese) I can report that porn has a fashion all its own. But unlike the vicissitudes of Versace where the look changes every season, the fashion of porn moves along at a glacial pace.

From the Venus of Villendorf, to Marylyn Monroe, depictions of women have long favored the buxom. But here's the thing, not even Pamela Anderson looks like Pamela Anderson anymore.

Our B.C. playmate opted for breast reduction because she realized the look she popularized expired along with the augmented careers of the Barbi Twins. Sorry ladies, but if the look you are going for is bleach blonde with the bolt-on-tits, that look is soooo 1990s.

So what look is "in" in the world of porn? If you think looking like a Suicide Girl -- short bangs and inked bodies -- is all the rage, you'd be wrong again.

But if you must know what your boyfriend/husband/son is looking at, chances are they're looking at a site that is part of one of two networks, BangBros or Reality Kings. I'll spare you the details, but just as the latter name implies, reality is king.

What's that? Your man doesn't look at porn? That's possible, but what it really means is instead of looking at it passively on his computer, he's actively writing & directing X-rated films in his head. Wouldn't you love to see THAT movie?

Here's a sneak preview. A key component in male fantasy is plausibility. Men lust after the people in their lives who they believe might screw them; that barrista, the co-worker. Ladies, wanna know who your man fantasizes about? Your best friend. Yup.

And if your best friend has the following attitude then guaranteed she is starring in many an afternoon reverie. If she has matured to the point where she's like yeah, this is my body, so what if it's not perfect, that's your problem, deal with it, that level of self-assurance is soooo sexy. Please disregard us as we crawl on our hands and knees to lick your three-inch pumps.

So yes, according to the pervy world of porn, the body type that's in right now is yours. And creepy as it may sound, there's likely a seemingly perfect gentlemen in your life who meditates intensely to the memory of it.

So A-Cup Asian, as for the question of whether to "go big or go home"? Um, yeah, go home.

Life or death questions for the sagacious Shiggy? Don't seek professional help! Follow me on twitter @tweetsuro.