10/07/2013 11:42 EDT | Updated 12/07/2013 05:12 EST

One Cowboy's Self-Evident Truths

These self-evident truths were written by Rowdy Talbot, who was the narrator of a book I wrote called Rowdy in Paris. The book is about a cowboy -- Rowdy -- who goes to Paris to retrieve his stolen belt buckle and ends up making France safe for Starbucks. I often see my characters quoted places but the quotes have my name on them. This strikes me as odd. Even though I am Rowdy, he is not me. If you know what I mean.

Self-evident truths

1. The world over, cowboys are the envy of honest men and heart's desire of adventuresome women.

2. You can't tell a virgin by her face.

3. Foreplay changes the nature of interesting.

4. You can't hit every asshole you run into.

5. If you don't stretch regular, the falls will break you.

6. You can never knock on wood too often in a tunnel.

7. Sleeping-next-to is at least as intimate as banging.

8. The only thing worse than finding out you were wrong when you pre-judged a person's character is to find out you were right.

9. If you sleep with enough people, sooner or later, you'll fall for one of them.

10 You only get a certain number of knockouts in life, before you go away and don't make it all the way back.

11. Love is more important than saving your culture.

12. Never make assumptions about foreign women.