03/03/2014 01:07 EST | Updated 05/03/2014 05:59 EDT

The True Meaning of Easter in Canmore

On Palm Sunday, Jesus rides into town on the back of a mule while locals strew pine boughs in his path because there is a shortage of palm fronds. He and the disciples ski most of the week but Friday he is seized by Pharisees from the Chamber of Commerce who take him to Pontius Pilate who says, "Skiing is not a crucifying offense. You're thinking of snowmobilers."

The Pharisees say, "We want him dead anyway."

Pontius Pilate washes his hands. The Pharisees give Judas 30 pieces of silver and Judas hangs himself. Peter says, "I've never heard of this guy Jesus in my life," three times before the cock crows, but cocks crow at dawn and no one in Canmore wakes up that early, so Peter doesn't hang himself.

The Pharisees hand Jesus over to the Romans who enjoy crucifixion because they can post photos on social media. The Romans nail Jesus to a cross and hoist it up between two other crucified criminals -- a tourist from San Diego whose crime was to ask a waitress for Canadian bacon and a goalie for Vancouver.

Jesus says, "You people know not what you do."

The Romans say, "It is our custom to crucify tourists and goalies."

The Romans cut Jesus's dead body down and carry it to the crypt of Joseph of Banff which is actually a cave and not a true crypt. They wrap Jesus in swaddling clothes and lay him in a manger at the back of the cave.

This is Friday evening. A day and half later is Sunday morning. The prophecy says three days later, but old time Romans didn't believe in zero, so Saturday is the second day after Friday and Sunday the third. Go figure.

Anyway, Sunday at dawn Jesus rises from the dead and walks out of the cave to greet the waiting hordes of Canmore. Then, the moment our religion is founded on: If Jesus sees his shadow he runs back in the cave and we get six more weeks of winter.