04/30/2014 12:32 EDT | Updated 06/30/2014 05:59 EDT

How Does a Man Please a Woman? The Answer Will Surprise You

During a radio interview I was asked how a man could best please a woman. I explained, generally, men come to the sexual experience with only his porno-sex-ed and general socialization -- ergo pleasing a woman means:

1) A big penis

2) Lasting a long time during intercourse

3) Making her orgasm

While this might be true for some, this does not appeal to the majority of women when she thinks about what turns her on during the sexual experience. In fact, she probably craves something very different.

Instead many women want an emotional connection, intimacy and feeling nurtured. "Sex" for a woman can mean something like taking a bath, a massage or just sharing time together. The clincher? No intercourse after said intimate connection as "the main event" to wrap things up.

There was a long pause. The perplexed interviewer asked what every man wanted to know, "But what about the man's sexual needs? Isn't he going to walk away with 'blue-balls'?"

In my head I was screaming, "Why can't men understand that most women walk away from the sex with 'blue balls' -- unsatisfied and unhappy with the experience?"

What men are socialized to do sexually to satisfy his partners -- obviously -- isn't working for millions of women. To make matter worse, many men's egos refuse to learn and be open to new ideas.

To be fair women are also guilty because she does not feel confident or comfortable to say to her partner, "Hey, sex needs to be about what I want. And tonight it's going to be an all-about-me-night; which means a full body massage and no intercourse. Next time we'll focus on your fun."

Because this what-does-she-want-out-of-the-sexual-experience conversation never happens, too many women are never truly fulfilled sexually.

Not ironically, when her sexual needs are met, she's a lot more likely to be a more active and eager participant in the bedroom. Sex becomes a mutually satisfying experience.

The irony is when couples incorporate her ideas and create a space for intimacy and nurturing it only deepens the sexual experience. Making for mind blowing sex.

The short answer to, "How does a man please his woman?" Ask her what she wants. You may be pleasantly surprised at how erotic your sexual experiences become.


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