03/15/2013 08:00 EDT | Updated 05/15/2013 05:12 EDT

Dear Men, Here's What You Need to Know About Sex

If I could write a letter to men (not all men, but many men) on behalf of many women, it would go something like this: Dear Men, Women want sex to have a beginning, middle, and end. Here are some ideas for the not-middle-part of sex.

Depressed woman in bed while husband is sleeping not caring about her

If I could write a letter to men (not all men, but many men) on behalf of many women, it would go something like this:

Dear Men,

Women want sex to have a beginning, middle, and end.

In chick-language, sex is a journey, not a goal-oriented destination. In guy language, sex always seems to focus on the middle part: she (hopefully) has an orgasm, then he has an orgasm and then voila, you are done.

Don't misunderstand, women love the middle part just as much as you. However, there is so much more to sex than having an orgasm. Gasp, yes it is true.

Here are some ideas for the not-middle-part of sex.

Women do not have an on-off sex switch

Women cannot switch our brains off of the thousands things we multi-task during the day and switch on to sex. It can take us at least twice as long to get outside of our brains and into our bodies.

Please do not expect a little snuggling and pawing at nite (BTW grabbing her boob to initiate sex is not sexy...just saying) will make us run to the bedroom in anticipation. Please see below for further suggestions.


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Get out of your sex routine

I am sure you have heard more times than you care to count how women need foreplay -- and lots of it. And you may be thinking that you do your best to please your partner. In fact, to your knowledge she always has a good time.

However while pleasing her, do you use the same routine over and over again? Do you only ever focus on the three body parts that you know work? If you answered yes, remember too much of any good thing becomes stale after a while. Erogenous zones are a-plenty on the female body. Use them.

Create a new groove

If you are stuck for what to do, let me offer a few always-works-like-a-charm suggestions.

(1) Talking. Yes, the dreaded talking before sex. Talking helps women disconnect from what is going on, so they can reconnect with you. And just because she is talking about her day, or the kids, or doing laundry, does not mean she is disinterested in having sex. Think of it as an unwinding time.

(2) Kissing. Kissing is immensely sexy and there is not enough of it. Period. Do not even get me started on how 5 to 10 minutes of kissing will have many women like putty in your hands.

(3) Touching. Every woman is different in how she likes to be touched. The best way to understand how your partner prefers to be touched is simply to try new things. If you are not sure how to start, give her a massage. Touching should help both of you relax. And no, it is not always you that has to do all the work; touching is definitely a two-way street.

I suggest when trying this out for the first time, avoid the three major body parts. Trust me, the sex will be hot and erotic.

(4) Playfulness. Destination sex always seems so intense and a bit sombre. Relaxing, laughing, having fun makes any situation, especially sex, that much better. Also, being playful will help if you are nervous bringing new ideas or things into the bedroom.

Make an effort to do something different each time you have sex

How? There are at least 101 positions for intercourse (OK, you need to wrap yourself like a pretzel for some, so maybe only 75 positions). Or did you know a woman likes to be touched softer or harder depending where she is in her menstrual cycle? Just these two suggestions alone can be a hundred ways to do something different with the same piece of equipment.

When you are finished, make sure the woman is finished as well

Women need to have that stay-connected-feeling that comes from cuddling. Men, please do not disconnect by rolling over, going to use the bathroom or whatever you do after the sex is done. Stay for awhile, even if it is two minutes.

If you do not like cuddling after sex, think of it as your penance for not having to sleep in the wet spot.

You might be asking yourself, is all of this effort worth it for better sex? I would say, yes, yes, oh, yes. Baby.