12/07/2012 12:19 EST | Updated 02/06/2013 05:12 EST

Some of My Penis Pet Peeves


My introduction to the penis was unceremonious and pretty typical of a five-year-old: I will show you mine, neighbour boy, if you show me yours. By 13, my girlfriends and I successfully came up with all the ways to say penis from A to Z. I'm still trying to remember what we used for the letter "x."

Throughout my youth, I was both fascinated and jealous of the relationship men had with their penises. Real men did, but good girls never. No wonder Freud called it penis envy.

As a result you could have knocked me over with a feather when I found out men are just as uptight about their penises as women are about their vulvas. It's just a different kind of uptight.

A man's very identity is wrapped up in his penis. It is both the visible evidence of his virility and his ultimate power symbol. Every known society has shrouded the penis in some form of hero worship. Therefore, if a man is not up to the "social standard" with his penis size, his hardness, his giddy-up, or his durability during sex, he is made to feel less than.

Not surprisingly, then, the size of a man's penis becomes one of his life-long super big insecurities. I have counselled too-many-to-count men, explaining that Mother Nature made the vaginal canal about the same length as an average sized penis -- 5 to 7 inches. It is a made-to-fit order. However, talking to these men is like talking to a brick wall.

To be fair, the only time a man gets to see another man's erect penis is by watching porno movies. These porno penises become the average guy's unrealistic penis role models. The irony is: men who have large penises complain to me how women gasp -- not in pleasure, but rather in dismay when they first set eyes on his organ.

Then there is the "showers or growers" complex. When men are walking around naked in the locker room supposedly not looking at one another's penises, there are some men who are larger when flaccid: "showers." Other men have the "acorn syndrome" or are "growers," which means they are smaller when flaccid. However, when erect, all these penises are all about the same size.

How about penis wording? We use the word impotent, meaning "without power," to describe a man who is unable to have or sustain an erection. In addition, have you ever considered that there is no such thing as a sexy semi-hard penis? Our whacked-out belief system perpetuates that, when there is no erection, there can be no sex.

Men are somehow hard-wired to believe that, if they do not get a "rock hard" erection like they did when they were 17 there is something wrong with them. Think of how many million Viagra prescriptions were given out last year. The truth is: as a man ages, so does his penis. It takes a little longer for him to get erect, it becomes flaccid more easily and it takes longer to reach ejaculation.

How about the myth that a real man's penis never gets nervous, anxious, angry or tired? It somehow springs to attention at a moment's notice, and never becomes flaccid during sex.

Temporary impotence happens to every single man at some point. If he is not feeling sexy, the hydraulics will probably not work. Plus when a man's penis is not receiving direct stimulation during sex, it probably will go temporarily flaccid -- because he's concentrating on other activities.

Here are some other penis pet peeves of mine.

Penis Pet Peeve #1

I used to be offended that men could openly touch, scratch, yank, grab, and adjust themselves in public. I now feel sorry for men who have this obtrusive thing that constantly needs scratching, yanking, and adjusting.

Penis Pet Peeve #2

I resented that men could write their name in the snow. I now realize that, as they write, they will experience shrinkage -- resembling a button on a fur coat.

Penis Pet Peeve #3

I thought it unfair that people sympathized with the penis having a mind of its own. Then I recalled a boy having a spontaneous erection during gym class. We gals could not take our eyes off his pants. I am sure 20-plus years later, the boy is still mortified.

Penis Pet Peeve #4

And it really is too bad that, as soon as a man drives a nice car, the size of his manhood comes into question.

Gosh, that 5 to 7 inches of flesh sure has a lot to live up to. Hopefully everyone can become a little more realistic in their expectations of it.

In closing, I want to answer the burning question on everyone's mind: why do so many men name their penises? Would you want to be bossed around by somebody you didn't know?

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