By Nadia Bruno for Mommyish.com
I did some stupid things in my teens and 20s, but having unprotected sex was not one of them. In fact, I was all about doubling up on the protection (pill and condom; condom and foam -- remember foam?). Sure, I had my share of drunken sex and one-night stands. Then, at one point, there was a serious boyfriend whom I thought Iâd marry, maybe pop out a couple of babies with one day in the future. Throughout it all, my little purple packet of birth-control pills (Diane-35) lay on the bathroom counter alongside the staples (tweezers, toothbrush, hair straightener). In my mind, birth control was a given. It didnât matter if you were banging some random frat boy in a dirty bathroom stall â so long as you used protection, you were golden.
Fast-forward two decades and, well, I use the âwithdrawalâ method (a.k.a. âpull out methodâ â when a man pulls out before he ejaculates). I say this sheepishly because, back in the early 90s, I would have judged anyone who actually considered âpulling outâ to be a form of birth control. I would have called them stupid and naive. Because, really, youâre going to trust a 20-something guy not to come inside of you each and every time you have sex? What if heâs drunk? Or lazy? What if he miscalculates? (One woman I know got pregnant after her no-strings-attached âf*ck buddyâ pulled out a bit too late; she had an abortion.) In other words, itâs risky. And itâs been a long controversial of method of birth control even among the medical community for as long as I can remember.
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Now that Iâm married with kids, birth control is the last thing on my mind. It shouldnât be, but it is. My story is similar to so many moms I know. It goes a little something like this:
- Get boyfriend, go on pill.
- Think about starting a family, go off pill.
- Get pregnant!
- Have baby, use condoms, realize condoms suck.
- Figure pull-out method is fine (if you have a little âoops,â oh well).
- Get pregnant!
- Have baby #2, stop having sex altogether.
- Get tipsy one night, realize halfway through intercourse that youâre not using any birth control, whisper to partner to âplease pull out.â
- Continue with this method for years and years. Add IUD and/or vasectomy to your giant to-do list.
This sums up my life and pretty much the lives of all 30- and 40-something moms I spoke with for this piece. In fact, the pull-out method is quickly becoming momâs preferred method of birth control. These are women who have no desire ever to use a condom again â âCondoms are for kids,â is what they say â but who donât like the permanency of a vasectomy, or the invasive nature of an IUD. In some cases, theyâre not opposed to either but simply havenât found the time (as in, theyâre not making it a priority).
Most women I know â and many doctors, too â donât consider the withdrawal method to be all that effective. Thatâs why so many were reluctant to admit itâs their form of birth control (one went so far as to say sheâs âashamedâ and declined to be interviewed for this story). In 2009, a team of researchers published a report â based on several studies and data from the Guttmacher Institute â suggesting that the withdrawal method of birth control is nearly as effective as condoms in preventing pregnancy. They got a lot of criticism at the time, but lead researcher Rachel K. Jones stands by her claims. She found that in perfect use (meaning the man pulls out every time), withdrawal has a 4% failure rate as compared to condoms, which have a 2% failure rate.
"Although withdrawal may not be as effective as some contraceptive methods, it is substantially more effective than nothing," Jones said the report. "It is also convenient, requires no prior planning and there is no cost involved."
When I went to my own six-week doctorâs appointment post-baby â you know, the one where they examine you and then give you the green light for sex â she asked what I planned on using for protection. âHuh?â I asked her. âWhat form of birth control will you be using?â she asked again. âAbstinence,â I said deadpan (I really meant it at the time!). She laughed and sent me on my way, shouting down the hallway, âRemember, you can get pregnant while breastfeeding!â
Interestingly, at least a handful of women I interviewed lie to their doctors when asked about birth control (they know theyâll get lectured if they admit withdrawal). One 34-year-old mother of two, Laura, cut her doctor off mid-sentence when he inquired about birth control. âWe use condoms!â she lied as he went on about IUDs. He even encouraged her to go on the pill, but sheâd have none of it.
âI didnât want to gain any weight on the pill and besides, I had been on it twice before and never liked how I felt on it or what it did to my body,â she said. âAnd, the truth is, we rarely have sex. When we do, withdrawal works.â
Laura knows in her gut that if she âaccidentallyâ got pregnant again, sheâd be fine with it. Sheâs happy with two kids and doesnât plan to have any more, but she says she wouldnât freak out if she found herself pregnant with baby number three. Which helps explain why sheâs so lax about a method that she doesnât fully trust. (Like me, she was on the pill for most of her 20s â and she never, not once, had sex without a condom. Now she could care less.)
But some women trust it wholeheartedly. Like Amy, a 40-year-old mother of three who, despite being âdone,â puts her faith in the pull out method. Itâs somewhat ironic, given that she had an unwanted pregnancy in her 20s thanks to a guy who didnât pull out in time. But Amy trusts her husband like no other and, besides, she says a man in his 40s has the self-control to do it right (unlike those in their 20s). âItâs a no brainer for them,â she insists. âPlus, he [my husband] is a good puller-outer.â
âI trust that it works and I donât even think about it anymore,â Amy says, then proceeds to tell me about her closest girlfriend who, at age 44, had a major âoopsâ and got pregnant when her youngest (of four) was already 10 years old. âIâm an idiot because I know that could happen to us,â she says upon further reflection. Still, she says sheâll continue with withdrawal until her husband gets a vasectomy (which may be never, she explains, since he claims to be too busy; she knows itâs because heâs nervous).
Sasha, 38 years old and a mom of two school-aged children, is also ânot okayâ with having another child. And while she knows that the withdrawal method isnât full-proof, sheâs using it anyway.
âIâm just decidedly ignorant,â she tells me. âThough Iâm no more willing to have a baby now than I was 20 years ago. It would be incredibly tragic if I got pregnant â Iâd probably have an abortion â yet I still use this method of birth control because itâs always served me well.â
When Sasha told this to her GP, sheâd get lectured. She finally started lying âjust to get her off my back.â Her doctor was not impressed. âWell, I hope youâre on folic acid,â sheâd tell Sasha sternly. Deep down, Sasha knows itâs not full-proof and sheâd like her husband to get a vasectomy one day (but like Amyâs husband, heâs anxious about the procedure and keeps putting it off). Until then, itâs a risk sheâs willing to take.
âItâs like breastfeeding: you donât have to buy anything, spend money, lug anything around or prepare in any way,â she says of withdrawal.
âAnd, besides, we all pick and choose what conveniently works with our egos.â
UPDATE: The wording in this article has been changed. It previously contained words deemed counter to our editorial policy.