When news of Chavril broke earlier this week, the Internet erupted with a collective shudder.
Clearly, the surprise engagement of Nickelback singer Chad Kroeger and fallen pop-"punk" star Avril Lavigne, announced in such rock cred-heavy publications as People and Hello Canada, was a sure sign of the apocalypse. And we agree, them Mayans were dead-on with 2012 being the end of the world.
But not just because of Chavril. There have many more musical signs this year that end is indeed nigh.
Let's take a look, shall we?
Jack White Works With Insane Clown Posse
Look. we totally respect <a href="http://www.spinner.com/tag/InsaneClownPosse/" target="_hplink">Insane Clown Posse</a> for creating a self-contained music industry with their Juggalo army, and kinda love the lyrical absurdity of that "fucking magnets, how do they work?" song, but their music is and has always been godawful. The only conceivable reason for <a href="http://www.spinner.com/tag/JackWhite/" target="_hplink">Jack White</a> to work with them is irony, in which case maybe his whole ultra-authentic aesthetic has been ironic all along. And maybe up is down and day is night, and...noooooooo!
Paris Hilton as a DJ
The Hilton heiress generally destroys everything the she touches, from Nicole Ritchie to night-vision cameras. But as this summer's EDM explosion broke out into civil war between DJs and button-pushers, Paris Hilton went and tried to single-handedly nuke the whole scene by pretending to DJ. Let's give Deadmau5, who we discovered while researching is right on our wavelength, the final <a href="http://twitter.com/deadmau5/status/217021793238659074" target="_hplink">tweet</a> on this one: "to be fair...the mayans saw this shit coming."
Kim Kardashian as Kanye West's Muse
OK, fine. Kim Kardashian has a famous ass and Kanye West <em>is</em> a famous ass -- so they have common ground -- but for such a profoundly talented person to take inspiration from such an profoundly untalented one (West just <a href="http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/kanye-west-i-wrote-perfect-bitch-about-kim-kardashian-201278" target="_hplink">wrote a song</a> called "Perfect Bitch" about her) can only mean that our meritocracy is truly and finally over. It might not be the end of the world, but it could be the end of art and, well, same-same.
Miley Cyrus Goes Dubstep
Country spawn turned sitcom star turned pop diva Miley Cyrus turns again, this time <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/21/miley-cyrus-decisions-borgore-dubstep_n_1819348.html?utm_hp_ref=entertainment" target="_hplink">towards dubstep</a>. Sure, being the tabloid-y straw that destroyed every teen's favorite electronic genre isn't enough to end the world. But doing so with an Israeli producer might just be enough to start another middle-east conflagration.
Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy
OK, maybe Miss Swift's social-climb coupling with a Kennedy kid -- which reached an amusing new peak when the pair crashed, and were <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/23/taylor-swift-crashed-kennedy-wedding-confirms-kathie-lee-gifford_n_1825621.html?utm_hp_ref=canada-music&ir=Canada Music" target="_hplink">summarily tossed</a> from a Kennedy wedding last weekend -- isn't the actual end of the world. But if we do somehow survive 2012, I can see, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CdKuLRmg8k" target="_hplink"><em>Dead Zone</em></a>-style, Conor and Taylor eventually moving into the White House and the Russians saying enough is enough. They still have that red button, you know.
Justin Bieber and One Direction Unite as Pop Superpower
We honestly like Justin Bieber and hope that he one day becomes a Justin Timberlake-calibre <em>artiste</em>. Alas, that is unlikely to ever happen because the <a href="http://www.metro.co.uk/music/902987-justin-bieber-reveals-plans-for-one-direction-collaboration" target="_hplink">joining of forces</a> between the Canadian and UK pop superstars One Direction will cause enough high-pitched tween squeals to knock the Earth off its orbital axis and send it headlong into the sun... and all of us to our fiery demise. Darn, Mayans.