Music can be incredibly important when trying to soothe a savage baby, which perhaps Will and Kate already knows since Us Weekly breathlessly reported Kate had her iPod delivered to the hospital.
Earlier, equally breathless reports had secret unnamed sources claiming Kate was filling said iPod with Bruno Mars, Calvin Harris and Of Monsters and Men.
Fine choices, to be sure, but we'd thought we'd help Will and Kate out with some playlist picks, too. After all, one day our children may be buying stuff with money emblazoned with their child's profile pic. (But not CDs, since those won't exist.)
So we've assembled a royal-friendly soundtrack for our future reigning monarch, ranging from the ridiculous (Carmen Miranda) to the sublime (Fresh Prince) to the sublimely ridiculous (My Little Pony). Oh, and we included the Smiths because, well, we like to make Morrissey mad.
Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, "Parents Just Don't Understand"
When Will Smith rapped, "you know parents are the same / No matter time nor place," he meant that parents don't understand even if they live in Buckingham Palace. And if Will won't admit it, just ask uncle Harry.
Queen, "I Want to Break Free"
This Queen song is applicable to all babies, since those first few months are largely spent swaddled and they don't even get neck muscles until the third month, much less the ability to roll over or crawl.
Nirvana, "Pennyroyal Tea"
Did we pick this because it had the words "tea" and "royal" in it? Yes, yes we did. Also, the bit about "anemic royalty" because newborns often have anemia. The more you know!
Carmen Miranda, "I'm Just Wild About Harry"
Because, seriously, there is likely to be no cool uncle ever as cool as Prince Harry.
The Smiths, "William it Was Really Nothing"
The new prince will like the song because it has his dad's name it. Morrissey will not like this because Morrissey does not like anything, but he especially doesn't like the royal family.
Ben Folds Five, "Kate"
This song, on the other hand, is a love letter to Kate, a lady with "daisies in her footsteps" and a rainbow smile. Yes, she smokes pot, but that will go way over the kid's head.
My Little Pony, "This Day (Aria)"
You know how sometimes you feel like your mum must have been replaced with an evil doppelganger and your dad must be, like, totally under her spell? This operatic aria about a royal pony wedding between Princess Cadence and her hubbie-to-be Shining Armor is about stuff like that.
Rockabye Baby, "Kiss"
Rockabye Baby is a series of albums that transform rock and pop records into lullabies. While our fave is their version of the Pixies' "Wave of Mutilation," this Prince classic seems a more apropos pick.
Jay-Z, "Picasso Baby"
Because Jay-Z raps "Yellow Basquiat in my kitchen corner / Go 'head, lean on that shit Blue, you own it" about how his daughter Blue Ivy can totally wreck his priceless works of art which, of course, pale compared to the House of Windsor's art collection. Imagine the trouble a baby could get up to in Buckingham?
Drake, "Started From The Bottom"
The beat sounds like it samples a kid's music box (not that there's anything wrong with that) and it has real resonance for even a royal baby, albeit the particular "bottom" in question here is the Duchess of Cambridge's uterus.