Bieber, who unofficially introduced his hip-hop alter-ego Shawty Mane a couple years ago has gone pro after guest rapping — shirtless, natch — on Maejor Ali's "Lolly" about how he's, like, totally "got your girlfriend at my crib watching Netflix."
Miley Cyrus, meanwhile, fares slightly better showing up to drop some bars on producer (and alleged boyfriend) Mike WiLL Made It's "23," rhyming about her drug proclivities and general badassery, which is apparently now a real word. I looked it up.
Now everyone from the Beastie Boys and Eminem to Macklemore and Action Bronson have long since proved that white folks can, in fact, rap — but those melanin-deficient folks are all actual MCs. If you want to know why white rap got such a bad reputation, it’s not so much because of easy target chart-toppers like Vanilla Ice and Snow, but all the white non-rappers who have tried (and failed) to flow.
Inspired by Bieber and Miley's recent forays into hip-hop, we quickly fell into a YouTube black hole researching the musical crimes on other white non-rappers' rap songs. We found everyone from child stars (90210's Brian Austin Green and Blossom's Joey Lawrence) to British pop icons (Duran Duran and Wham!) to legitimate legends (The Beach Boys' Brian Wilson and The Ramones' Dee Dee Ramone). There's even a David Bowie song with Mickey Rourke rapping. Yes, really.
Here's the full music video gallery, and sorry.
"911 Is a Joke" by Duran Duran, 1995
I love Duran Duran, but someone must have been drunk drunk to think it was a good idea for one of the whitest bands alive to try and cover "911 Is a Joke," a very inflammatory song from Public Enemy, one of rap's most political group. I can even forgive their cover of Grandmaster Flash's "White Lines," but this? I know Flavor Flav and Simon LeBon, you are no Flavor Flav.
"Smart Girls" by Brian Wilson, 1991
Did you know that the Beach Boys' songwriting genius Brian Wilson once released a rap song that opened with "My name is Brian and I'm the man / I write hit songs with the wave of my hand." You know now, and I am really sorry about that. (At least he has the excuse of being mind-controlled by Dr. Eugene Landy at the time.)
"I Like the Way (Kick da Smoove Groove)" by Joey Lawrence, 1993
When Joey Lawrence joined "Gimme a Break" at age six, he played a homeless breakdancer. Had some pretty good moves, too. But just because you can do a backspin at six, doesn't mean you can rap at 16. (Fast forward to 24:35). Though points for self-awareness: "Your mama even said it was sorta hype / But when I showed it to your dad He said “Boy, you’re just too white” / And that kinda shocked me ‘cause he’s actually right."
"Rapture" by Blondie, 1980
Blondie is a great band, Deborah Harry is among music’s greatest frontwomen and "Rapture" is even a pretty great song, at least until we hit Harry's embarrassingly bad car-eating man from Mars rap. Plus, it's kinda racist that it took a white non-rapper who can't rap to land the then-emerging genre's first number one song and MTV's first rap video play. At least she shouted-out Fab Five Freddy and Grandmaster Flash.
"Wham Rap! (Enjoy What You Do?)" by Wham!, 1982
It's nice that George Michael and Andrew Ridgley were enjoying themselves on this literally titled tune. Too bad for the rest of us. And in hindsight, this video is way more embarrassing than getting busted for a lewd act in a public restroom.
"Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco, 1985
People don't tend to think of Falco as a rapper (or maybe at all) but that's probably because he was rapping in German. Not exactly sure what he was rhyming about Mozart (something about him being the original punk rocker) but he's not exactly Melle Mel here, no matter how catchy the tune is.
"Buffalo Gals" by Malcom McLaren, 1982
Malcolm McLaren is best known as the Svengali behind the Sex Pistols and the chief marketer behind punk rock's pop-cultural ascension, but he's not even a singer, much less a rapper. That said, "Buffalo Gals" helped bring the art of scratching to a wider audience, one which apparently included Eminem, since he referenced the song's square dance-themed lyrics with his own "trailer park girls go round the outside" line on "Without Me."
"If A Girl Answers (Don't Hang Up)" by Vanity 6, 1982
This Prince-curated girl group seemed to exist mostly because they were hot -- lead singer Vanity, aka Denise Matthews, was previously a Canadian nude model and b-movie actress. It sure as hell wasn't for their rapping skills, which barely count as spoken word in this ridiculous single-entendre tune.
"Wordy Rappinghood" by Tom Tom Club, 1981
The rapping on this New Wave single is pretty terrible, but the song remains rather charming thanks to its English major nerdery, right up to the inquisitive, poet-alluding hook: "what are words worth?"
"I Told Ya" by David Faustino, 1992
The tiny actor who played Bud Bundy on "Married...With Children" got big enough in his britches to launch a music career as rapper D' Lil. Unlike his sitcom, this is apparently not satire -- not even his Raiders cap and jean overalls.
"You Send Me" by Brian Austin Green, 1996
Remember how on "90210" they desperately tried to make Brian Austin Green's character cool as the series progressed? This went to the Notorious B.A.G.'s head, and he tried to parlay his teen-soap cred into a credible rap career years before Drake. But David Silver was apparently no Wheelchair Jimmy.
"Be A Man" by Randy Savage, 2003
Macho Man Randy Savage was one of the greatest pro wrestlers of all time, but this album is more ridiculous than his most over the top outfits. Wrestling's fixation on music has had its moments -- Captain Lou Albano in Cindy Lauper videos, Hulk Hogan's "Real American" entrance music or Mr Slick's "Jive Soul Bro" -- but this 2003 rap album by Savage is a real low point in human history.
"American Life" by Madonna, 2005
A lot of these songs are from hip-hop's early days, so you can almost forgive the primitive rhymes and flows. There is no such excuse for the inexplicable rap verse that ruins what's otherwise an alright electro-pop tune. Madge has never seemed older than when rapping about "drinking a soy latte" rhyming mini cooper with "feeling super-dooper."
"I Luv Rap Music" by DC Talk, 1990
The Christian trio begin their video with a voice intoning "some people are giving rap a bad name, and we ain't down with that." And then the JC-loving MCs proceed to do their best to give rap a bad name. This album, "Nu Thang," was nominated for a Grammy and went gold, selling over 500,000 copies. Though they began as "rappers," they soon segued into "rockers" -- and won four Grammys out of five more nominations.
"I Need Money" by Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch, 1991
Yes, everyone knows Mark Wahlberg was once Marky Mark -- and secretly, everyone kind of likes "Good Vibrations." They don't remember this song, perhaps because Wahlberg's rapping is so terrible (and the Big Daddy Kane "Pimpin' Ain't Easy" sample so egregious) they've blocked it out.
"That's How I Beat Shaq" by Aaron Carter, 2000
Before Aaron Carter became, well, <a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-official-aaron-carter-aging-timeline" target="_blank">troubled</a>, Nick Carter's little bro attempted to add rap to his "Aaron's Party" repertoire. I'm guessing this was suggested by someone who fondly remembered the Fresh Prince hit "I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson," except that song was funny and funky and Will Smith was a great rapper. This song is the opposite.
"Monsta Rap" by Elvira, 1994
Big-boobed goth girl "raps" about her friends Frankenstein, Wolfman and Dracula while making jokes about "safe sucks." Even as far as kitschy novelty songs go, this is pretty wow.
"Funky Man" by DEE DEE KING, 1987
You know how The Ramones seemed effortlessly cool? Not all of 'em, it seems. Dee Dee Ramone's foray into rap 10 years after his band's heyday is as embarrassing as your dad writing an original rap about you and performing it at a school assembly.
"We Care A Lot" by Faith No More
We love Faith No More, especially their signature hit "Epic." This song, however, we do not care for -- not even a little.
"Rappin Rodney" by Rodney Dangerfield, 1983
I know it's <em>supposed</em> to be a joke but still, no respect.
"Lose Control" by Kevin Federline, 2006
I like to think this K-Fed song predicts his eventual transformation into Well-Fed.
"Beach Patrol" by Hulk Hogan & The Wrestling Boot Band, 1995
You know how we were all supposed to think that Hulk was the coolest wrestler around, even though his signature finishing move was a lame flying leg drop. This song is infinitely lamer.
"Bounce Right Back" by Howard Jones, 1983
You know the Howard Jones song "Things Can Only Get Better"? I'm assuming it was inspired by this song because there's no way things could get worse than this hapless attempt at rapping. It doesn't even rhyme!
"It's Good To Be The King 12" by Mel Brooks, 1981
This song from the comedy "History of the World Part I" became a novelty dance hit. The 55-year-old comic legend wasn't much of a rapper, though rhyming about the French Revolution from the point of the view of Louis XVI was pretty inspired.
"Shining Star (Makin' My Love)" by David Bowie ft. Mickey Rourke, 1987
Usually David Bowie can do no wrong, but hiring his buddy, actor Mickey Rourke, to rap on this disastrous song was undoubtedly wrong. (Bowie's own rap-inspired delivery on the song was barely better, to be honest.)
"Ant Rap" by Adam & The Ants, 1981
Once upon a time, anyone thought that they could put the word "rap" in a song title and that would make them rappers. This song did not live happily ever after.
"City of Crime" by Dan Aykroyd & Tom Hanks, 1987
The real crime of this theme song to the terrible "Dragnet" reboot is how not funny it is. Also, Tom Hanks may be good at many, many things, but rapping is not one of those things.
"Young Guns (Go for It!)" by Wham!, 1982
We're including a second Wham! song because even we can't believe George Michael's first song featured him rapping and calling people "sucker." We can, however, believe that he'd write a song about how his BFF should party with him and stay away from girls.
"One Night In Bangkok" by Murray Head, 1984
Actually, this song is awesome. Never mind.