TV

'Celebrity Apprentice' Season 14, Episode 3 Recap: Geraldo Takes It All Off

01/13/2015 09:30 EST

*** WARNING: SPOILER ALERT! ***

Geraldo knows you saw his septuagenarian topless selfie, and he knows you "liked it" enough to want to see it again in Cosmopolitan magazine. Don’t shake your head, because this is the killer instinct you need to succeed on the latest incarnation of "The Celebrity Apprentice."

Cue the fromage.

In another double-header episode, the teams are first tasked with creating a four-page fitness pictorial for the women’s magazine and its app, though the men’s squad was more focused on their pectorals. With two athletes (Johnny Damon and Jamie Anderson, respectively) at the helm, the stars quickly stripped down for the gig, because, according to Kenya Moore, "Cosmopolitan’s main focus is sex!"

Except, as per her "Real Housewives" rival Brandi Glanville, Kenya isn't sexy enough to be featured in the magazine spread and should be laughed at for doing her squats. So, Brandi stepped in herself to pose suggestively with a fitness model, and toss passive-aggressive verbal daggers at her foe.

EYE-an digs the challenge too. "Cosmopolitan is a very flirty magazine, you open it up and there's all these suggestive poses and double-entendres," he said. "I have to have my wife read this stuff, because it makes me kind of uncomfortable, but she needs to know!" But this didn't stop Steve Sanders from writing an ode to his wife’s pole dancing, or modelling, which was in Geraldo's words, "cheesy" and "smug."

Right. Because walking around semi-nude at 71 with barbells and coaching Johnny on how to pose suggestively while nude with his wife isn't smug at all?

"You’re you, take a selfie, and I’m your wife," said Geraldo, while embracing a squirming Johnny. "I’m naked, you’re naked."

Willing to lose his shirt for the cause, Geraldo later explained it was due to his feeling the men were at a disadvantage for the task, as it was "kind of like assigning a pack of apes to do a garden party." Team Infinity, however, were too caught up in their "build the body of an Olympian, while looking like a ‘Real Housewife’" narrative, handing the men’s team an easy win. Both the Trumps and the magazine voted for the men’s "Love your self(ie) naked" campaign to win, which brought a smile to Ivanka’s face. Is it too much to ask for a gif of her blushing at the thought of seeing EYE-an undressed? I wonder if she not-so-secretly went to see his Chippendale’s stint in Vegas? More on that later.

The women lost because Jamie should never have been on the "Celebrity Apprentice" in the first place. Why? She "didn’t want to fight." When the claws came out in the Boardroom between Brandi and Kenya, instead of capitalizing on that as an opportunity to avoid elimination, she skulked back in her chair. She didn't even want to blame Kate Gosselin for taking too long to find the props. And when The Donald asked her who she wanted to bring back into the Boardroom? She said, "I’m not sure, who do you think I should bring back? Can’t you just choose?"

I don’t know how he didn't fire her on the spot.

Then again, she also was the one who suggested he "flip a coin" regarding the next elimination in the first episode. I don’t know how he didn't fire her immediately then, either. It must have been a recency bias because she won a Gold Medal in Sochi, right? Right?

Well, on to the next. The "Celebrity Apprentice" cast goes back to their bread-and-butter of nonsensical fundraising (should there be a cap on donations to level the playing field?) in a wedding dress sale challenge. Naturally, the two pop-up stores are right next door to each other, and Geraldo and EYE-an will finally face off against each other after a player swap. With the animosity between the two rising with each episode, EYE-an aptly summed up the "news icon"s ego, saying, "He just feels like he’s the big cock of the roost."

There’s one.

In a battle of bravado, EYE-an tried to "supercharge" and motivate his team with creeds, saying his "why" was for the kids in his charity. But, he definitely went off the deep end. Brandi, who didn't get separated from Kenya in the switch, said she thinks he should run for office with his Project Manager mentality. Why not?

The bridal boutiques sprout up fast, with EYE-an’s team choosing to decorate with Chippendale's dancers, "snowflakes, snowflakes on rope and birch trees." Next door, Geraldo’s hosting a salon and Kate’s posing in a wedding dress.

"Kate plus eight, come see Kate get married!" said Geraldo.

"Geraldo, stop telling them I have eight kids," said Kate. "Geraldo plus eight ex-wives."

Good burn. But, let’s be real – Kate and Geraldo got more foot traffic because they were advertising a freak show, which isn't dissimilar from what "Celebrity Apprentice" actually is.

But after all that, EYE-an and Geraldo finished neck-and-neck, with team EYE-an raising $292,547 for charity and Geraldo $294,738 respectively. The Donald rounded up both totals to a clean $300,000, but awarded Geraldo the win. The second elimination of the night was equally as anticlimactic as the first, as the checked-out Terrell Owens — who had "donors" fall through for the second time — raised the least amount of money for the team. Even Brandi Glanville managed to gather almost $40,000 in donations, and she spent most of the episode away from the task due to a "panic attack."

Ta-ta, T.O.

"Celebrity Apprentice" Over-Under Scale:

"At the end of the day"– Over/Under three mentions.

Episode 2 Recap

Premiere Recap

'The Apprentice': Where Are They Now?