In the absence of our national sport -- and in the very real presence of ongoing (and, some would suggest, idiotic) National Hockey League labour woes that are threatening to put an entire season on ice (or, er, off ice) -- Canadians are at a loss.
We're at a loss for words (expletives directed at Gary Bettman and Donald Fehr excepted). At a loss for anodynes to cure (or, at least, coat) the pain of this seriocomic tragedy. At a loss for distractions, diversions, anything to take our minds off our besieged national fabric that is fast fraying in the abhorrent absence of (have I mentioned?) NHL hockey.
We've lost our past-time. We have lost our Cherry. And our MacLean. Now we are in danger of losing our marbles.
We take up ballroom dancing, but discover we have two left feet, little rhythm, and no grace. We try cross-stitching but are left feeling empty when we create a wall hanging that would suspiciously look like Lord Stanley's Cup, if it weren't so poorly crafted. We go to the hardware store and throw ourselves into a seminar on "basic grouting," which isn't half as glamorous, or nearly as fun, as it sounds.
We start to write poetry and, to that end, can be found in neighbourhood coffee shops, wearing berets, and pulling muscles in our heads as we attempt to conjure up the perfect word to complete an unfinished stanza: "Hey," we shout out in the pained voice of an artist at work, "what rhymes with puck?"
We go to sports bars, dressed incognito -- hoping, praying that no one we know will ever recognize us -- and we watch (gasp, gulp)... basketball on the big screens. Never have we felt so unfaithful. Never have we felt so guilty, so dirty. We slink home, dejected, fearful that the NHL and its players' association will never get their acts in synch, fearful that we will never find anything on Earth to fill what has become a mighty void. We cry ourselves to sleep and wake the next morning to news reports that couples across our great (and apparently resilient and creative) country have apparently decided to fill the mighty void with...
Indeed, retailers from coast to coast are reporting a remarkable rise in the sale of sex toys -- and they attribute this solely (and, we must admit, without benefit of research or science) on the NHL lockout! Sex toys. Sex games. Sex paraphernalia -- monkey bars, trapezes, pole vault poles, and such. Sex guides (and if you're purchasing the paraphernalia, for goodness sake get a guide). Lingerie. All flying out the door like there's no tomorrow -- or, at very least, like there's no hockey today.
Talk about good vibrations. Alas, something positive has finally come out of the labour lunacy. And, perhaps there are more positives to come...
If, as documented by assorted obstetrics departments across the country, our nation actually witnessed a sharp increase in the number of babies born nine months after the publication of the bestselling erotic trilogy, Fifty Shades of Gray, then we cannot even conceive what kind of baby ka-booooom we will see nine months from now. Which, by the way, is when many predict the NHL and its locked-out players will finally come to their senses.
For their sake, let's hope that this whole sex toy craze hasn't caught on to the point where, when the puck finally drops, no one notices, and no one cares.
Barbara Hall was involved in a bedroom romp with her boyfriend when he asked her if she had brought PAM cooking spray, which he wanted to use as lubricant. However, Hall thought he was referring to an ex-girlfriend of his named Pam, and she allegedly flew into a jealous rage, punching him repeatedly and heaving objects at his head. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/14/barbara-hall-pam-cooking-spray-sex-assault-florida_n_1597702.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Crystal Frantzen allegedly gave Gary Tipton oral sex in a gas station parking lot in order to get a "better deal" on a Cadillac he was selling. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/27/crystal-frantzen-gary-tipton-oral-sex-better-deal-car_n_2962844.html?1364393996" target="_blank">Read the whole story here.</a>
Mindi and David Rice were engaging in a three-way with a female friend, but when MIndi noticed David was giving the friend a little too much attention, she allegedly reached for a revolver. The ensuing madness ended with gunfire, SWAT team involvement and a police tasing. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/04/mindi-david-rice-threeway-gunshots-swat-team_n_1855310.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
<a href="http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/woman-pulls-knives-at-threesome-682451" target="_hplink">Valerie Nile was accused</a> of pulling out several knives after allegedly threatening her neighbors when the threesome she had planned with them never materialized. This incident took place January 2012 in Knox County, Tenn. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/25/valerie-nile-threesome-knives_n_2552540.html">Read our story here.</a>
Talk about a love seat. Gerard Streator was allegedly caught having sex with a couch on the side of the road. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/24/gerard-streator-sex-with-couch_n_1909699.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Arteesha Donaldson became upset when she lost her "detachable latex penis," cops say, which caused an argument between Donaldson and her girlfriend. The fight allegedly ended with Donaldson chucking at ironing board. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/27/arteesha-donaldson-south-carolina-assault-sex-toy-detachable-penis_n_2200389.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Racquel Gonzalez was allegedly none too pleased when her boyfriend orgasmed and she didn't. She allegedly responded by scratching and hitting him, which caused him to call 911. The cops came not a moment too soon. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/27/racquel-gonzalez-esric-davis-orgasm-assault-sex_n_2200096.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Japanese porn star Uta Kohaku asked her fans on Twitter to donate their sperm as part of an erotic film titled "Semen Collection 2." She received over 100 bottles in less than 10 days. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/27/uta-kohaku-japanese-porn-semen_n_2366349.html">Read more about it here.</a>
Tyshinia Love Brewster was working as a prison guard when she allegedly had sex with one of the inmates at the facility and became pregnant with his baby. Brewster was charged with third-degree rape, since inmates cannot legally give consent. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/21/tyshinia-love-brewster-prison-guard-pregnant-rape_n_2733481.html?1361462977">Read the whole story here.</a>
Sukhbir Singh was banned from every single McDonalds restaurant in England after being caught spying on women using toilets at the fast food establishment. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/20/sukhbir-singh-banned-from-mcdonalds_n_2165471.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Amanda Linscott allegedly pulled a gun on a man while the two were having sex in a moving car. The man punched her in the face, but not before losing control of the vehicle and crashing into a palm tree. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/12/amanda-linscott-gun-sex-moving-car_n_1877198.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Fei Lin told law enforcement officials that men, believed to be jealous lovers of women Lin had bedded, broke into his home at night, cut off his penis, and stole it. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/24/fei-lin-penis_n_1699017.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
S&M aficionado Frankie Santiago was submissive -- until she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her. Santiago allegedly began sending the man a slew of menacing text messages and was charged with stalking, criminal mischief and harassment. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/16/frankie-santiago-edward-sonderling_n_1791567.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
A Munich man had to flee to police when a woman he was sleeping with demanded too much sex. He told officials that he and the woman had sex several times, but when he said he was through for the night, she refused to let him leave and insisted they keep doing it. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/13/man-flees-after-too-much-sex_n_1423530.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Jeremie Calo and Tiffanie Lynn Barganier were apprehended while allegedly having sex on a restaurant table in full view of other patrons, including children. Calo also allegedly refused to pay his $101 bill, writing the restaurant a check that contained only the word "NO." <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/17/jeremie-calo-tiffani-lynn-barganier-restaurant-table-sex_n_1974199.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
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