I am an introvert, and thankfully, so is the woman who cuts my hair. It took me a while to find her. For years, questions about my job and love life over the hum of a blowdryer made me feel like I was on an unsolicited first date. With Leslie, it's different. We say "hello." We talk about the cut I want. We say maybe 50 words to each other about weekend plans (more miniscule than small talk, really) and then -- silencio. Which is why the following test might be the best way to identify whether you're an introvert or extrovert: Do you enjoy bantering while getting or giving a haircut?
A third to a half of all humans are introverts, and ever since Carl Jung defined the two personality types in the early 20th century, people have attempted to categorize themselves. The Swiss psychologist and psychiatrist's explanation, now popularized by the Myers-Briggs personality test, has to do with energy. In Jung's view, extroverts gain energy from the outer world, while introverts gain it from the inner world. A quick search online brings up countless articles with a checklist of qualities for each -- introvert: I often let calls go to voicemail, extrovert: you are almost always the life of the party -- all of which speak to the obsessive tendency we have to brand ourselves as one or the other (though some claim about 70 per cent of us fall somewhere in the middle, a category unofficially dubbed "ambiversion"). Are these distinctions even useful? I think so, because in the end, understanding our differences reveals we are really just working towards the same goal: forming good ol' fashioned connections.
I can only surmise about you extroverts, but I can explain the particular way in which introverts use energy to have meaningful interactions. A helpful cartoon is being circulated on the net called "Dr. Carmella's Guide to Understanding the Introverted" which says fairly self-evidently that "extroverted people gather their energy from their surroundings," but more interestingly that "introverted people make their own energy and, rather than taking it from others, give it on social contact." Now that's a definition I can get behind. As an introvert, I am social. I am just very particular about who and what I socialize with.
Small talk is the hardest form of communication for introverts: if you're giving energy in a social situation, the most rewarding scenario will be one with purpose, one after which you feel as if you learned something substantial or made a real connection. With chit-chat, the gutter level of conversation, it's hard to transcend surface interactions, an utterly depleting experience for introverts. We are very utilitarian: if we're going to leave our own thoughts and enter the world, we want it to be with a small group of people, someone we haven't seen in a while, or someone we have a crush on. In sum, don't ask me to "veg" or "schmooze" with you -- those words sound gross and I'd rather stay home.
SLIDESHOW: THE MOST FAMOUS INTROVERTS
Now I know some people who look forward to the small talk that usually comes with a haircut (or a trip to the bank, or a bar stool), but those people tend to be extroverts who gain energy from any kind of social interaction. Just as true movie buffs can appreciate a bad movie (all those midnight screenings of The Room by Tommy Wiseau, anyone?) for the mere fact it represents a point on a spectrum they love. Similar to the way real foodies have an appreciation for the grotesqueness of poutine or bacon donuts, I imagine for extroverts there is still something satisfying about the empty calories they gain from banter, and that sometimes, it turns into something more meaningful.
So while we could waste more time pointing out what makes each of us better -- you guys are happier, we are smarter, you are rewarded by society, but we secretly make better leaders -- the more productive conclusion is to understand how we act differently to achieve the same goal (which I think could have saved my introverted father and mildly extroverted mother a lot of grief). The next time you roll your eyes at an introvert for not leaving the house, or judge extroverts for their banal banter, keep in mind each is probably making the best choice about using or conserving his or her energy to form actual connections -- something you want to do as well.
Down the row from me in the salon, I watch a meeting of two extroverts. The hairdresser, who is wearing a backwards baseball cap, is about to cut a woman's hair and they begin chatting about sending their kids to school. Ten minutes later, after Leslie has turned off the blowdryer and I'm able to hear their conversation again, it has escalated. The woman is telling her life story, and now the whole salon knows that after living in Hong Kong for three years she came back to Canada for university. Conversationally, she and her hairdresser have progressed by embracing the small talk I loathe.
I look up at Leslie, who is silently making final trims to my hair, and still feel grateful the only thing we learned about each other is that she's heading out East on vacation and I'm staying home for the long weekend. I feel confident our few words aren't because we don't like each other, but rather because we both know that if we're going to form a connection, we'll save our energy for outside of the salon.
Tom Cook: The Perks of Being Shy
BritChick Paris: Why Getting Your Hair Cut Is a Form of Therapy
It depends on the people and the topics...
BTW, It's been suggested that Einstein may have been afflicted with an Autism spectrum disorder, which would certainly account for his oddities, and preference for his own company.
Here's some more to add to the discussion of introverts and extroverts - thought some of you might appreciate this:
Dear Extrovert, (An Honest letter from an Introvert) - http://timandolive.com/dear-extroverts/
Dear Introvert, (An Honest letter from an Extrovert) - http://eslmarriage.com/2012/04/12/dear-introverts-an-honest-letter-from-an-extrovert/
I'm agree with this:
"I believe that extroversion and introversion are two ends of a spectrum, not two categories. Many of my friends fall somewhere between these extremes, and it’s not my intention to put people in boxes".
The new girl, who's only been there for years and has only cut my hair probably only slightly over a hundred times, remembers other stuff. Stuff that's harder to banter.
I worked with a jerk who considered introversion a mental illness.
Got out of that job alive... barely. Took a few years to rebuild what was left
of my self-esteem.
For example In the "introvert" division, could there be "introvert-because-shy-to-ever-speak" and "introvert-because-OK-with-never-speaking-anyway"? In the first case, there would be the people who have learned English as a second language, but are not yet confident about speaking it correctly - say many Japanese people. In the second case, there could be the thoughtful type who will speak only if someone is interested, but otherwise will keep his own counsel.
As for extroverts, could there similarly be those who love the small talk just because they love small talk and that's really as far as they mentally go (all too many of those, I confess), and in contrast the talky-talky extrovert who loves small talk because it can lead to "deep talk" about various world events (the tiresome buggers)? As you might guess, I'm not one for a great deal of small talk,but I digress.
Anyway, some interesting things to consider.
Most people are so self absorbed in their small talk that it's nauseatingly boring. I could care less about you having to cut your grass this weekend or how much you enjoy doing an activity I have never done. If I have never done the activity in question it makes it harder for me to care and to engage in small talk with you. So I just basically end up just listening to you go on and on about god knows what.