For the past 24 hours my Facebook timeline has been flooded by friends' statuses announcing that a very near, dear and sincere co-worker, friend and acquaintance has passed away; he killed himself. I never met him but I had heard of him in social circles and occasionally he popped up on Facebook as a mutual friend. The amount of respect he had from every single person who came into contact with him is indescribable.
While I never met this person I too feel like I'm grieving because of the impact the suicide has had on my friends. I don't know much about this person and whether or not he lived with mental illness or what he was thinking or feeling but it is clear he felt like he needed to end his life.
Not once but twice I too thought I needed to end my life. My suicide attempts were five years apart and each time I felt emotional pain that was too deep to describe. Emotionally my world felt like it had already ended and physically I wanted the same fate. Relationships had gone sour, finances were sour, and my career wasn't much better either.
I saw no other way out; I didn't see things getting better for myself. I didn't think I could live my life without feeling such a deep depression. To me, ending my life was the only way to solve my problems which I've learned is not the case.
I remember being rushed into the emergency room, and as the doctor began to stabilize me I had regret. As I was fading into unconsciousness I asked the doctor if I was going to survive and he said, "Arthur, I don't know. You're condition is very serious and not medically stable right now." It was those words that made me realize all my problems were miniscule compared to the self-induced medical challenge I was facing.
While I felt like I hit rock bottom my challenges were put into perspective. I no longer had control over the medical challenges I was facing but just hours earlier I had the power to fix my problems and give myself a better quality of life.
Part of the reason why I felt like I had needed to end my life was because of how detached I felt from people whether it be friends, family or co-workers. During my self-induced medical and mental health crisis there was a miscommunication as to my condition and word quickly spread that I had died. I learned about this after being discharged from the hospital.
The miscommunication was a blessing in disguise, it illustrated that I had a place in this world; I was liked, loved and respected. But it made want to live life to the fullest and grasp every second of every day. I learned that if I didn't want to live my life for myself, that I owed it to the people in my life to live my life for them. After all I've inserted a little bit of my life into all of theirs.
I don't know what my acquaintance was thinking in his final days on Earth but I can empathize with the pain that possibly led him to taking the action that he did. I will not judge him for it because I've been in the same situation myself, but had I had the opportunity I would have told him that no matter how deep the emotions are it does get better.
There's a classic saying that goes, "Live everyday as if it's your last." While mental illness and suicide are very challenging topics, we need to treat those around us as if today is their last day too. If they could see just how loved and respected they were if they were no longer with us it make them think twice before making a life altering decision.
If you or anybody you know is thinking about ending your life please seek out help immediately. It will be the best decision you will ever make!
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I know that sometimes this illness is fatal. Suicide is a symptom, most of the time, of an illness that is indescribably painful. I have spent many years being chronically suicidal, and you alternate between the fear that you will do it, and the fear that you won't have the courage to do it. Suicidality is treatable, suicide is not.
If you suspect someone is suicidal, ask them. There is no way you can make the situation much worse, and sometimes just realizing that another person cares enough to notice you are circling the drain will remind you that you actually matter in the world.
This is a good article, and necessary. So many people judge the suicidal, and the people who die from it. They say we are selfish, weak and looking for attention. Not true. When I was closest to suicide, I wanted to do it for my husband, because I thought I was inflicting unnecessary pain on him. I really thought he would be more at peace if I died.
You wrote:
"... but just hours earlier I had the power to fix my problems and give myself a better quality of life."
Being able to make this thought means either you hadn’t reached the point where you feel there is nothing in the world that could make the suffering stop, that you simple cannot take it anymore, or you did reached it but they stopped you before it was too late.
In my opinion, Kyle found himself trapped in that moment where he couldn't think anything than "I have to make the suffering stop and ending my life is the only way to do it”. In that moment, there is no time or mind to worry about staying alive, because the need to make the pain stop is greater.
Perhaps if there was a friend nearby, it could have been prevented, like in your case, I assume… which is also the reason why we all felt so terrible and ashamed that he was there for everyone whereas no one was there for him.
At the moment in time I tried to take my life I didn't want to be saved and did not make it known about what I was about to do. I'm also glad that I have a third chance at life. I wish Kyle could too!
Let's not forget that all beings have the instinct of self preservation.
The same way one who does bungee jumping, he consciously chooses to go for it (because he knows it is safe) but at that very moment of jumping and falling his mind rebels against this action (because it feels like it is not safe), the same way the one who consciously decide to end his life, at the actual moment, he might be feeling like he is having second thoughts… Is he really regretting it? Or is it the instinct of self preservation clouding his judgment? We can only ask him if he survives- and perhaps not even then… People tend to alter their perception of a certain experience to match their afterthoughts…
“We get into the habit of living before acquiring the habit of thinking. In that race which daily hastens us towards death, the body maintains its irreparable lead.” Albert Camus
From what you've said here, I believe I know who you're talking about. K was a friend of mine and I thank you for writing this letter. I wish we had known how much he was suffering so that we could have helped. I wish he could see how people are reacting now (like you were able to) so that he could see that he 'had a place in this world.' I'm glad you got help and I hope others will too.
Peter
Thanks for writing this!
I thank you for reading my blog and taking time to reply. I do not believe anybody with a genuine mental illness does things for attention. You are certainly entitled to your opinion but it is comments such as yours for example suggesting people threatening or contemplating suicide solely for attention that motivates me on a daily basis to speak out against mental health stigma. I wish my acquaintance that killed himself would have threatened suicide so somebody could have helped him and come to his rescue so he would still be alive today. I much rather somebody 'seek attention' then hide how they're really feeling and end up taking their own life. He may have thought he was the only one feeling pain, but his death has now made the emotion pain spread to his family and friends. It really is a travesty he didn't 'seek attention'. Had I not 'sought attention' as you suggest you're right I would not be alive today. But I'm glad I am so I can respond to critics such as you and continue to quash mental health stigma!