Of the 1,154 past or present human societies, nearly 1,000 have permitted a man to have more than one wife.
Life-long fidelity is a Judeo-Christian invention, which likely came about for economic reasons: a way to guarantee paternity of offspring for men with property to bequeath and ensure financial stability for women embarking on the long child-rearing years. Eventually, marriage became the precursor to sex (at least in theory).
Nowadays, with modern contraception and larger, more anonymous communities, infidelity is easy. Among !Kung San village, two per cent of kids result from cuckoldry; in some contemporary urban neighbourhoods the figure is five per cent to 20 per cent.
Why is adultery so common? There's the sexual rush fuelled by the secrecy imperative. And the excitement of a new partner brings us back in a temporal slight of hand to previous emotional times, and so the tryst makes us feel young.
The contemporary pathos is also fed by the pervasive importance of sex -- from cooking shows to comic books -- and the belief that good, regular sex is our right. Added to this is the emotional comfort of sex: it is the one time when we are most assuredly living in the now, the most present.
This is the backdrop. There are a million personal variations on the reasons for having affairs, but usually it boils down to two things. First, we think something is genuinely amiss with the home relationship and justify the clandestine relationship as a way to fulfill needs that aren't met in the marriage; second, and more common (although few have the self-knowledge to see it), something is missing in ourselves, be it self-esteem, security, or the capacity for contentment, and we look for it in someone else. Remember: One must be well to love well.
Regardless of the impetus, adultery is fraught with peril.
Clandestine betrayal -- and that's what it is, make no mistake about it -- is nasty. Once you have broken that promise, that vow of faithfulness, there is a terrible sense of loss, no matter how you dress it up. In addition to the betrayal of your shared intimacy, the lying takes a toll. Lying about the where and with whom. Taking furtive showers in the secret lover's bathroom, trying not to get your hair wet. And each lie adds a layer of deceit until you hardly know what to say to your partner anymore.
Then something happens. You may get caught and have to contend with the fallout from a battered ego and lost trust. You may face a gradual, painful and long breakup. Or your partner may kick you out, physically and/or psychologically. Affairs are poignant tragedies if they lead to the dissolution of an arrangement that's good for raising children. If it's between adults, well, it's your call.
But before you start, appreciate that there is a real risk that it will destroy your primary relationship. Decide whether it's worth it. Consider what you have to lose -- socially, financially, and emotionally -- because someone always loses in an extramarital affair.
Barbara Sibbald is a two-time novelist, editor at a leading health journal, and an award-winning freelance journalist. The above is an excerpt from The Book of Love: Guidance in Affairs of the Heart, a novel (General Store Publishing House).
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For one thing, it is much more simple. Think of how difficult middle school was socially, with everyone wondering if other people were attracted to them, if the people they were attracted to knew, if they should act on their desires, if they would be rejected.
With monogamy, we eliminate variables and such unknowns. If people are committed, then we can address them as friend. If they are single and 'ready to mingle', we never know if they have an agenda, if they are motivated by sexual desire, rather than altruism or familial love.
Love matters more than sex in life. But clearly, sex gets in the way of love. Jealousy causes problems. People feel threatened. There's something to be said for the security and simplicity and fairness of monogamy. One woman for every man (who likes women). It's fair.
I say this as a male who has had a lot of women, and a few married women. I could spend the rest of my life getting sex. But I just want one woman, one wife. I would never stray and never break her trust. Why? Because all I would achieve is orgasm. That's something I can do on my own. Having a partner and best friend and a family is beyond that.
The modern world is vastly different. Many people own no land at all and never will. Only a tiny percentage own arable land. Large families are not necessary because babies live at a much higher frequency than in times past. Once those kids are grown they move on to their careers. A successful career (which may involve much travel or migration) is much more important now than working together with other villagers to successfully husband the animals. Food comes from far away agri-businesses. So the necessity for traditional monogamy and marriage is rapidly dwindling.
The only thing that can never be replaced is love and loving other people. I believe love will find a way. Marriage might become a very different thing than it is now, and that's ok. New concepts of marriage and relationships are inevitable, though love will still not tolerate betrayal or lies. We changed everything else about our society in the last 500 years but that remains constant.
Sex is so easy to come by. And love is ever more elusive.....