Dear Mr. Camping,
I notice on the website for your organization, Family Radio, that you have recently added something of an explanation regarding the fact that the rapture did not occur on May 21, as you predicted it would.
Please allow me to thank you for clearing this up, as it was with great alarm that I realized, back in May, that the world had not in fact come crashing down around me and the true believers had not risen to join God in heaven.
I write today not just to thank you for clearing that up, but also because, back in May, in preparation for the rapture, I did away with a lot of my worldly possessions.
You see, for reasons we don't need to get into here, it's pretty certain that I will not, in fact, be among those true believers who will be saved on the day of the rapture.
And so, knowing that the world was going to end, I spent virtually everything I had; assuming that I'd have no need for it as I'd soon be annihilated along with the entire physical world and the rest of those not fortunate enough to be saved.
Please be sure that I'm not writing to place any blame with you for your false prediction -- indeed, I've seen your website and noted that you simply misinterpreted the use of a word in the Bible and that the "rapture" that was to occur on May 21 was actually just an "earthquake."
I am not angry. Christ teaches us to forgive and I forgive you for your simple oversight -- a clerical error, really.
Like I said, I did not write to you to complain that I spent all my savings in Vegas because I assumed the world was about to end because of your prediction. That's not what this is about.
Instead, I'm writing to tell you that I am thrilled to learn that you have discovered that the rapture will actually occur on Oct. 21! What a relief to know that the preparations of those who are saved ('the elected' as you call them) were not in vain and that they will still be raptured! I am really truly happy for you and all the elected who will be united in God's greatness in heaven. That's going to be really nice for you all.
But, before you go, I thought I might propose something.
Given that it's an inarguable fact that I will not be among those heading up to see the big guy (again, let's not get into the reasons why -- let's just say Wild Turkey and prescription pills are a bad mix at a sporting event), why not let me take care of those left behind?
What I mean is that, in the hours, or maybe even days, that it's going to take God to trash the place, things could get pretty sketchy down here. Why don't you and I make some plans to try to make things as pleasant as possible for those heathens that aren't worthy of salvation?
I mean sure, there's going to be some real turds left down here, but as God gets into destroying the entire Earth, it's probably going to get unpleasant down here. And who's to say that everyone doesn't deserve a chance to die with dignity, right?
And so with this in mind I propose that you, Family Radio, and all the other confirmed elected, leave me all your worldly possessions so that I might ensure that everyone else's last days are as comfortable as possible as you guys head up to the eternal VIP room, as it were.
Clearly, given your explanation that May 21 was just the beginning of the last five months (totally makes sense by the way), it is with certainty that you tell your flock that Oct. 21 is judgement day, so what possible use could you have for your possessions and savings?
May as well send it all to me.
I'm going to level with you, Harold, I've done some pretty bad stuff in my life; I wouldn't mind a shot at redemption on my way out.
So why not shoot me a cheque, and I'll use it to make sure that the "unsaved" (or as many of them as I can round up in the Greater Toronto Area), have a decent send-off? Nothing too wild, you know? Given the solemnity of the occasion I'd make sure it was something tasteful -- nice, but still a fun, appropriate send-off -- financed by you and the other saved who, obviously, no longer have any use for your worldly possessions or finances.
I'm sure you'll be on board with this idea, I mean after all, doesn't the Bible say, "If there is a poor man among your brothers, do not be hard-hearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother?"
Because let me tell you, brother, I am broke!
Again, not blaming you for the money thing, that one's on me and Vegas. But things are a little tight since the last "rapture" and, well, not to put too fine a point on this, you won't need your money after Oct. 21, right?
Anyway, please get back to me ASAP. I imagine that, when word gets out about the end of the world a lot of the good caterers, venues, and live music acts in the city will start to get booked up and I want to get on this.
Let's have a beer or lunch so we can exchange details and we can figure out how to get all your savings to me (maybe you have paypal or something?).
Look forward to hearing from you!
Ben T. Johnson