First of all, let's just admit it, we're obviously not going to be best friends. I live in pre-almagamation Toronto and we all clearly voted for the other guy, so I'm not what you'd call "your base."

Likewise, as you've made clear in your first year in office, you don't really care much for the people that live in Toronto's downtown core. What with your removing bike lanes, shunning Pride, proposing to cut services, and vowing to end the war on cars, among other things, you've made it pretty clear you're not trying to make friends with urban Toronto either.

We get it. You're not "urban." You're a "meat and potatoes" guy who wants to get the city on track with simple changes and fiscal responsibility.

I'm not going to talk about the effectiveness of these small-town tactics in a city of over five million people. I think you could probably look to your recent approval ratings and see what people think of the job you're doing.

No, I just wanted to talk to you about your conduct as of late.

What I mean is that politics aside, do you think you could you at least make some attempt to pretend to look like the mayor of Canada's most populous city?

I mean, we knew what we were getting into when the suburbs surrounding the city voted you into office -- you clearly weren't going to champion the rights of the city's immigrant population, and really your shunning Pride wasn't out of step with your previous comments about gay people, nor were we expecting sweeping changes to battle poverty in the city -- but do you think you could stop acting so... well... embarrassing?

I'm not going to get into the weight thing again, and we won't talk about those hideous ties, but do you think maybe you could, I don't know, look like a mayor?

Maybe attend official mayoral events instead of skipping out to watch high-school football? Maybe don't flip off your constituents, as you were accused of doing this summer, when they're trying to inform you that you're breaking the law? When you're confronted with the prospect of having to talk to the press and you flee to your home to avoid them, maybe don't lie about it afterward? I mean, you're aware it was being filmed, right?

You've been the mayor of Toronto for a year now. You'd think you might have some understanding that your actions are going to be judged. So maybe just stop acting like such a jerk.

By all means, continue to live in Etobicoke and drive your van to work -- it's cute in a sort of folksy kind of way, but please recognize that you are the mayor of the fifth most populous city in North America and we are one of the world's most culturally diverse cities. We are Canada's economic capital, and a global financial centre. Despite your desire to shun the arts communuity, Toronto is also a hub for music, film, and television production.

This is a cosmopolitan and world class city.

And you are running it.

As you allegedly noted in your recent panicked 911 call, when faced with the terrifying prospect of answering questions from a 60 year-old female comedian, you are Rob f---king Ford, the mayor of this city.

So, could you please start f---king acting like it?

Follow Ben Johnson on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Ben_T_Johnson