Most people know today that emotional intelligence is a real thing. There are courses that are taught about it and many books have been written about it. It is no longer enough to just be intellectually "smart" -- it has also become important to be self-aware and to be able to handle our emotions in healthy ways.
What we're seeing, however, is that there seems to be an increase in world leaders who don't hold those values in high esteem. Perhaps the U.S.'s most self-aware and emotionally intelligent leader is on his way out of office soon, to be replaced predominantly by men who bully and feel they have a right to behave this way. This is a terribly unhealthy message to send to children especially, who need to be taught the exact opposite.
Today, we are seeing a great many more people, both in the U.S. and in Canada where I live, who don't seem to know how to disagree without being disagreeable -- one of the hallmarks of emotional intelligence. For many of us, this feels like a very scary situation.
Is it really possible to have a difference of opinion without having to slam the other guy -- physically or verbally?
But the U.S. election is now over and Donald Trump has won.
Indeed, I admit to having strong negative feelings about DT, about the man he presents himself as to the general public, to the unhealthy message he sends. As we all know, he has said many despicable things about many groups of people -- and has allegedly done any number of invasive, juvenile, illegal acts toward women. In addition, he has gotten away with possibly treasonous types of behaviours that hopefully he will one day be held accountable for.
And since being elected, his divisively dangerous fearmongering has largely contributed to a marked increase in hate crimes -- possibly with more to come. I don't think he is positive material for becoming president of the U.S. -- and, so far, I don't believe anything could change my way of thinking about that.
I do understand how this happened, in terms of the unrest in that country -- which also reflects the unrest in many other parts of the world, including Canada. And I know there are obviously a great many people who disagree with my thoughts about DT being president, because he was elected. Although I wish that wasn't the case, I know there is nothing that I -- alone -- can do about it.
Or is there?
WHEN THEY GO LOW, WE GO HIGH
I loved hearing this from Michelle Obama. I don't think that happened enough with either candidate, although I often saw DT going very, very low -- and he is still doing that. In my opinion, this is just not helpful for any of us to do. For him, I believe it comes from a narcissistic, grandiose need to be The Most Important Person on the Planet -- very probably because, in reality, that is not at all how he sees himself at 3 o'clock in the morning -- one of his favourite times to disparage others via tweets.
I don't mind that this guy, as a private citizen, has any number of identified and potentially dangerous personality disorders, but what I really don't want to see is a person with these kinds of disorders in the role of POTUS.
Needless to say, my opinions and preferences unfortunately no longer have any bearing on what has become the new reality. I just dread the idea of the new normal that comes from our government officials being steeped in hatred toward others. We already have enough of that in the world today.
So what can I do as an individual as I find myself caught up in a situation that brings me dissatisfaction, unfathomable disbelief, and the fear that the world as we've known it may never right itself again?
I know that "going low" and being part of the problem is not the way I generally do things. When a situation occurs that could knock me off my centre, I know that I do my best to reach inside myself and find my spiritual place of strength. I know that living in fear and chaos is not what I choose today. I know that I care about how I feel, and that I care about how other people feel, too -- that is an important value of mine. I know that there are many others who, like me, want to live our best lives despite these extraordinary circumstances we're now faced with. I know that I will continue to strive to do that.
THE 'NEW NORMAL'
The new normal, however, seems to be a society where fearmongering and hate crimes are allowed to run rampant without many consequences, where people can obtain guns easily and women have trouble gaining control over their own bodies. Where people of colour, various religions and gender diversities have to tread carefully. I've often wondered what makes people so terrified of those who are different from themselves. What is that really about? Why do these differences matter so much? Why CAN'T we live in peace, why CAN'T everyone just get along?
And even if we can't all get along, couldn't we at least decide to disagree without being disagreeable? Do we feel so badly about ourselves that we have to strive to make others feel badly about themselves too?
As you can see, I definitely don't have all the answers. Mostly I just have questions. But maybe others who think like I do can practice even more loving kindness in the midst of all this craziness. Maybe we don't have to all agree about everything -- that would lead to a pretty boring world anyway. Maybe we could just role model the idea of disagreeing without being disagreeable -- and dangerous -- toward each other.
Maybe, as Gandhi so wisely suggested, we who understand the deep importance of living this way could be the change we want to see.
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By perking up your ears to your fellow debater's argument, you can refine your own. Also, those who take the time to listen before they speak appear in control, according to psychiatrist and author Julian Short. "The less invasive you are, the more potent you are," he told Stylist.co.uk.
Find your rival's weakness to tip him/her off balance. Try asking questions in quick succession, the video above suggests. You can even make your opponent sweat by asking them to prove their claims or answer hypothetical questions -- just make sure you stay in control, Lifehack.org advises.
When your contender goes off on a tangent, don't take the bait. Your adversary might try to trick you this way, Focus.com says. "Take this as a sign that he feels threatened you'll win, and steer the subject back to the original," the site advises.
Whether you mean it or not, apologizing may catch your opponent off-guard giving you the upper hand, according to the video above.
While unruly emotions may rear their ugly heads during heated arguments, arguing without emotion is impossible (and kind of pointless). Instead, keep emotions under control, or use them to sway your opponent if you think they'll bite. Which brings us to the next tip...
You can use an iron fist to maintain authority during an argument, but don't lose your cool. Control your anger during an argument, avoid using hurtful language, and never ever use violence, Pickthebrain.com says.
To resolve a dispute, let your opponent think they came up with a solution you had in mind all along, the video suggests.
You can't lose if you don't speak. You can even try using non-verbal cues to persuade your rival, such as mirroring their stance, aligning yourself with the other person to diffuse confrontation, or using a hands-down gesture to calm tempers, according to Forbes.com.
Follow Candace Plattor on Twitter: www.twitter.com/candaceplattor