Dear Colette,I've been married for 22 years to a wonderful man that loves and cherishes me. I care for him deeply but over the last five years I have noticed myself having a strong interest in other men. Recently, I met a man in an online forum on polyamorous relationships. I had heard about these kinds of relationships and I wanted to learn more. I have to admit I'm having very intense feelings for him. He is also married but is looking for a polyamorous girlfriend. He has no intentions of leaving his wife and family despite wanting another companion and lover. I would really like to get involved with him, but I have so many questions. I wonder: How do you make these kinds of relationships work, without anyone feeling left out or jealous? Is it possible? Or will engaging in an extra-marital relationship it be more trouble than it's worth?
-- Miele
Thanks for your question. I will admit that because my readership is not necessarily the polyamorous type I was torn about whether or not I should answer your question. But when I reflected on how I would answer it, I realized there are actually some really great points that are good for all kinds of relationships -- poly or otherwise.
So let's begin.
For a polyamorous lifestyle to function well, you have to be able to voice your wants, needs and desires effectively to your husband -- about partners you would like to date -- and any future partners he might start dating. The only way for polyamorous partners to survive happily together is to have wide-open lines of communication. And to do this well, you will require an absolute, total, and complete understanding of yourself and why you want to engage in this kind of relationship. If this is news to your husband, he is not likely to be very receptive to the idea at first.
The onus will be on you to remain calm in the face of any possible attacks on you, your character, and your desires. You will need to be patient and understanding with him as he comes to terms with your request. You will need to check your ego at the door any time you enter into a discussion with him about this subject. And hopefully, for you he will come around and see the value that you see in entering into this kind of relationship. But, (and this is a big but) be prepared that he might not go along with it. Because if this happens, you'll have a very important decision to make.
As I said above, knowing yourself incredibly well is key, not only in discussions that you have with your husband, but also in discussions with any future partners. With polyamorous relationships there are certain to be a number of rules that you and your partners will have about how to engage with each other, when, where, in the presence of whom, and how often. To avoid hurt feelings, bruised egos and the like, you will want to be sure that you think of all the possible scenarios that might come up, and what you will do to handle them.
For polyamory to work well it's best if you can get an emotional buy in (not just lip service) from all parties to all rules. And rules should be explicit, clear and well understood by everyone. This is probably the toughest part about making polyamory work. Because words do such a poor job of describing inner feelings, deep emotions, fears, worries and insecurities. The rules you make can so easily be misinterpreted. And worse, the rules made by others may not be totally honest and clear.
As an example: while your husband might say that you can date other men provided he approves of them first, what he really might be saying (in so many words) is "I really don't want to do this, but I love you and I can see that you want this, so I'm willing to along with it, but I have rules, and you better adhere to them or there's going to be hell to pay!"
And to be 100 per cent honest, you have to be once again 100 per cent clear about yourself and your inner world. Creating agreements and rules won't work at all unless they are made with absolute awareness of what the true purpose of these agreements and rules are for. To be honest with your partner, you have to be honest with yourself.
Relationships are work when you have only one partner. Add additional partners to the mix and this work is multiplied. There is more chance for buttons to be pushed, triggers to be set off, and yes, egos to be bruised. To engage in this lifestyle happily, and to do it well, it will take a tremendous amount of forgiveness of yourself and every single one of your partners -- because it is as likely that you will do and say things you're not proud of -- as it is that one of your partners does and says something he or she is not proud of.
Forgiveness is easier when you understand that high emotionality equals low rationality.
We lash out, attack, say mean things, and hurt the ones we love when we are afraid, insecure, and feeling as though we have everything to lose. Forgiveness of yourself and your partner is key for long-term happiness and love to flourish.
Miele, I will openly and happily admit that I am not polyamorous myself, nor do I ever think I could handle the head-and-heart ache of entering into such a relationship. But I will say this: I commend anyone who successfully navigates these kinds of relationships. For to do so, I believe, requires saint-like patience, forgiveness, acceptance, trust, and non-attachment.
Best of luck to you.
Follow Colette Kenney on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@colettekenney
It's more so about ignoring her words and focusing only on her emotions.
For example, if she comes home from work and tells you about her day that she had with the boss who does nothing but frustrate her. You don't say "I understand you are feeling frustrated" you simply say "you're frustrated" and that's it.
Then, she is likely to say "Yeah! I'm frustrated..." and then go deeper with what she's feeling. To which you might reply "You're angry" and then she'll possibly say "no, I'm not angry, I'm annoyed!" and even though you got it wrong, and that can feel uncomfortable, you did her a great service, because by simply relaying your interpretation of her emotions you have helped her clarify for herself what she is feeling.
You did not tell her you understand what she is feeling, because truly, you are not her, so you never can understand. But you can label the emotion correctly or incorrectly and that helps her become more clear for herself what she is feeling. And this clarity in an of itself can be very cathartic.
Trust, love, and commitment do not require exclusivity, nor is exclusivity a measure of any of those things.
Instead of wanting to get involved with a married man, for some extra maritial relations, I think the
term is, if I were you, I would thank my lucky stars for being married for 22 years to a wonderful
man whom you say loves and cherishes you. Do you think your husband of 22 years who loves
you so much will want to hear that you want to have a relationship with another married man ?
He would probably feel devestated if you even mention it. Forget about the married man you met
on line. This guy just wants some extra nookie on the side. Do you think so little of yourself that
you would be willing to risk destroying your 22 years of marriage just for some extra sex with what
amounts to an internet stranger, not to mention the reality of STD's. My advice to you is to focus
on your marriage, try and remember all the reasons why you fell in love with your husband in the
first place and abandon this ridiculous idea of getting involved with the married man on the internet.
I'm married myself, not as long as you've been and I wouldn't even contemplate an extra maritial
relationship with another man not even for a nano second.
In your case, it also takes a lot of work with your husband. Please - tell him everything that you are thinking and make sure he tells you. I wouldn't suggest rushing ahead with this gentleman you met online (at least not yet), because if you've been in a marriage for 22 years and you want to keep that relationship, than it's going to take time for the two of you to adapt. Most importantly don't let anyone tell you what your model should be. Make a world that works for you and your partner. Experiment - and hold each others hands while you do it!
One can love more than one person, deeply, responsibly, committedly and be just as happy, if not happier, than loving one person. The book "Sex at Dawn" looks at the evidence that says that there is just as much anthropological evidence for humans being naturally polyamorous as there is for monogamy. Eat that, Mr. Selfrighteous "wild" thing - you don't sound very wild to me. And for Miele - dare to fly. Go to this web site, I've found it very helpful:
http://www.morethantwo.com/
And for the record: no relationship is pain free. Life isn't pain free. It's how you deal with it that makes you either into a mature, integral person or a fear biter. Like Mr. Wild Thing.
1) If we hit a rough patch - financially, emotionally, whatever, where will my mate be? Can I depend on them to stick together with me to work through it, or will they bail to the alternate(s) where life may be easier at the moment? My mate stands with me as I stand with them. That's golden. You'll probably appreciate that more as you grow older.
2) Will I be maintaining the home and raising the children while my mate is out playing? I'm in 100%, emotionally, mentally, physically and financially, and my partner is in 100%. It's not 50% 50%. It's 100%100%. If you don't understand that and live that, then you don't know real commitment. Maybe you know convenient, ephemeral commitment that lives in your mind, but not real commitment that lives in your heart and your guts.
(more in next post...)
As for "Sex at Dawn", this book appears to use selected information and unsubstantiated assumptions that the authors use to build the picture they want. It's easy to get sucked in by that kind of sophistry. If their research represented such a great advancement in the understanding of human behaviour, then they would have known to submit their results to a peer reviewed scientific journal rather than write a consumer book. I suggest you read this to see what a real anthropologist thinks about their book, from a real scientific journal on evolutionary psychology:
http://www.epjournal.net/wp-content/uploads/EP09325335.pdf
Yeah, you can probably tell I'm old fashioned. But my way endures, as it has for the generations before me, who raised me in a home of unconditional, unselfish, fore-better-or-for-worse, in-sickness-and-in-health real commited love.
Too often, relationships fail when one partner starts seeing the other as an extension of themselves (i.e. "we are one", "we share the same wants and desires") and dismissing anything that isn't "shared" (or approved) as inconvenient and unimportant. Being dismissive of your partner's interests is a sure-fire way to be single.
Telling someone what YOU think they should do rarely ever works. Because you can't possibly know what life is like for them without having experienced every single thing they have experienced in their life.
Sometimes we need to make "mistakes" in order to get closer to our personal "truth" in life. If going outside Miele's marriage ends up being a "mistake" I'm sure there would be something very important that she would learn from this. And her husband will also learn more about himself as well - solicited or not (being that he didn't ask for this situation in the first place).
In life, everything is purposeful, even if it hurts, is hard, and isn't what we want. There is always something to be learned if you're up for the challenge of making sense of what happened, taking responsibility for your part in it, and choosing not to blame anyone else for your situation -- even if you feel totally justified that they did
Here's a simple question: Which do you care for more? Your husband and life together? Or your sexual urges? In a marriage, where supposedly/ideally both partners benefit from the relationship, what benefit would your husband get from your new arrangement? If "nothing", then you are being selfish. If you haven't realize, the "saint-like patience, forgiveness, acceptance" that Ms. Kenney so commends must actually come from your husband, not from you. You will be out having your fun. He will be home swallowing the pain.
Our society has us believe that monogamy is human's natural instinct and the only right way to be (just like religious people preach that their faith is the only right one). Well, I know that this is simply not true. Because if it was, it would come easy. No marriage counsellor would be able to make a living, divorce courts would be empty, and not 80 % of married couples would think about or have extra-marital sex with others. (I ran out of space, so please continue below) .....
Why resort to using the genteel, euphemistic verb/participle "date/dating" ? Clearly a night out at the opera followed by a gourmet dinner or a day of hang-gliding followed by ice-cream cones is NOT central to what this woman has in mind to do with someone other than her husband.
so i think the metaphor you want is 'foundational.' communication, forgiveness, honesty -- are foundational.
Also, Miele doesn't mention anything about the married man she "met" in this internet forum having his wife's approval for his "polyamorous" desires. If he's planning to do this without her approval, then that's not polyamory - it's straight up adultery. Calling it by a more fashionable name does not change that.
I can only imagine polyamory working when both partners in the couple are equally active outside their primary relationship. Anything else is a recipe for misery and a bitter break-up.