Dear Colette,I've been reading your blog about women who are with men who won't propose and I want to thank you for all of your great advice. It teaches women (including me) to manage themselves and their emotions, versus act like a "victim" of circumstance, and to leave their future happiness, peace, and contentment in the hands of the man they are with. And yet, I am wondering... why is it that men are so afraid to propose? I can't wait to hear what you have to say.
Trina.
I love that this question about marriage proposals keeps coming up in all of its various forms. The more we ask the same question in different ways the more people we are going to be able to help. (So ladies, if you're reading this and you still have questions after reading this post, and this one, and this one, please don't hesitate to ask your very own Dear Colette question about marriage proposals.)
OK, let's get down to business.
As it turns out, I was talking to Todd about this very question on the weekend while we were at dinner at one our favorite restaurants (Eleven 22 in Golden, BC). It was a rainy night outside, perfect for deep meaningful discussions inside over a bottle of wine and some delicious Atlantic Char.
As we were waiting for our meal, I gave Todd my take on why men are so afraid to propose. I said:
"From my observations about men over the years (including you) the number one thing that I believe men value most in the world, beyond any toy, electronic or sport, is freedom! And if I had to guess why men are so afraid to propose to a woman it would be because of the perceived loss of freedom that is associated with committing to another human being."
Todd gave me a knowing nod, as I continued on.
"I mean, if you really think about it, there are two sides to this marriage proposal thing. And men and women are coming at the topic from very different value systems. Because, unlike men, what women value most is security which is precisely what marriage offers them."
Todd piped in: "Yes! Marriage means a loss of freedom for men and a gain in security for women. Which is why so many women are so anxious to get this part of their life taken care of."
(Now it was my turn for the knowing nod as Todd carried on.)
"It's as if women believe that their life is uncertain and 'on hold' until they find a man who will commit to them. And for some reason it takes a proposal for her to finally accept, or believe, that she is 'good enough' or 'loved enough.'
"Giving her the impression that she can finally relax once he asks her," I added.
"Exactly," Todd replied. "And then that seems to be precisely when she seems to make it her 'job' or believe it's her 'right' to change him."
"Which leads to the male prophecy: Marriage = loss of freedom," I quipped.
"Absolutely! And it terrifies a man to commit to a woman who forces him with ultimatums into marriage. This is the perfect prediction or forecast of what life will be like if he decides to take the plunge," Todd shuddered.
"Ha! So, it's freedom -- or the perceived loss of it -- that is keeping a man from proposing to a woman. And if she adds fuel to the fire with anxiety and ultimatums, well then, that's just a recipe for disaster," I said.
Todd agreed wholeheartedly.
In previous posts on this topic, I've given some advice on how to handle the uncomfortable situation of holding out while your man prepares to propose.
In light of my conversation with Todd I feel there are a few points that would be helpful for me to add:
Keep yourself out of it. A man's proposal or lack thereof has nothing to do with how 'good' or 'loveable' you are. Do your best not to make it about you (or take it personally) when he hasn't yet popped the question.
Validate his feelings. It will go a long way if he knows that you understand how terrifying it is for most men to commit to marriage. And if you make it OK for him to feel the way he feels you'll do a great job of helping him relax into the idea of a proposal.
Nothing has to change. Let him know that you love and value him as he is. Make sure he knows that the last thing you'd ever want to do is change him. And the last thing you'll do (once you get married) is change yourself. Let him know that who you are today is who you will be once you are married. This will help him know that the freedom and flexibility that he has with you today won't change (despite the changes that come with more responsibility if you decide to have children together) But -- and this is a BIG BUT ladies -- be sure to check in with yourself and make sure that you don't have some ulterior motive of taking charge of him and the way you relate to one another once you've gotten him to commit.
"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?" - Mary Ann Evans.
Do what you can to make life easier for him, validate him, spend a few minutes in his shoes and see the world the way he sees it. When you understand him you'll realize how big a decision this is for him; that is has nothing to do with how loveable you are, and that it has everything to do with the thing he values the most: his freedom.
Everything is always perfect and purposeful. And because this is true you can rest easy and:
Let things unfold in their own way, in their own time.
Much Love,
If you'd like me to handle your VERY important question about dating, sex, commitment, divorce, heart-break, or the ever-so-difficult question "Should I stay or should I go?" I would ADORE hearing from you! Please click here.
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For four decades young men have watched their fathers and friends be destroyed by divorce and anti-male Family Courts, losing their children, homes, possessions, and being forced into poverty by child support and alimony payments. Not just a few, but tens of millions.
Eventually, men have become to realize that the risks are too great, the chance of success too low, and women too selfish, to take the marriage route. After all, women get custody of children 92% of the time in Canada, how biased is that?
Until such time as Family Law swings back to neutral (shared parenting after divorce?), women can expect more and more men to refuse the "marriage trap".
I mean, for goodness' sake, a woman can essentially "snap her fingers" and have her man thrown in jail on a whim, without having to prove anything, and without consequences for lying (Violence Against Women Act).
How is that any different, from an "oppressive patriarchy" where the husband can lock up his wife in a basement for her "misbehavior"? There is no difference between a Muslim man being able to lock his wife up in a cage, and an American woman being able to lock her husband up in a cage. And yet, feminists defend this practice.
Perhaps true "equality" is not their goal, so much as preferential treatment. Knowing this... "not proposing" is a wise strategy for men.
We don't like the idea of living every day of our life knowing that she can walk out on us any time she likes, for any reason whatsoever, and take our house, kids and money with her.
I've been married for twenty five years and with legal stories I witnessed around me for sure I would not marry a second time nor would I suggest anyone to do so.
You'd be better off living alone and have a girlfriend and even have chlidren that way but surely not getting married
If you want him,
Propose.
Anyway. I agree with you.
If you are living apart and everything is separate that is one thing. But a lot of people who are not married are actually living in sexually exclusive, shared bank account, shared living quarter arrangements. For them there might be positive legal ramifications to marriage regarding health insurance, taxes and what not.
For that matter, if you want to marry a person, why wouldn't YOU take the initiative and propose to them? Sometimes I think a lot of sexism would break down if for two years straight men were legally prevented from making the first move. A national Sadie Hawkins' Act, so to speak.
Agency has just as much right to be abandoned as exercised.
So no, while my proposal was made in jest, I don't think your counter-proposal of: Force women to make the first move by removing the ability of men to make the first move, but if they don't want to, that's fine because men can still make the first move and thus nothing changes... will work.
Why buy the farm when you can get the vegan soy milk for free?
Further, if we ever were to divorce, I can't think of any good reason to screw him over. Not that there aren't good reasons (getting the kids away from an abuser or getting the $ so he doesn't spend it on drugs or whatever), just that they don't apply here. I am not particularly vengeful, even when gutted.
There are a lot of 'delusions' out there about marriage. There are women everywhere who think it is the be-all-end-all of a commitment from man. That if a man won't propose, he doesn't really love her. It is THAT myth that I would love to de-bunk...
I just have to get better at expressing myself I suppose...
Because SO many people keep calling me Ms. Manners from the 50's!! lol.
I'd say I didn't do a great job of that on the first day this post was released, but with each day that goes by it's getting easier and easier.
xo Colette