Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors
Danko Jones


I'm Sick of Seeing Your Disgusting Feet

Posted: 08/26/2013 11:59 am

Most of us, if we could, would change at least one thing about ourselves. I'm guessing the most common changes would be weight loss, facial reconstruction, increased breast size, increased penis size, and reversal of hair loss. With the exception of penis size, all these changes occur above the waist because we do most of our interacting with each other from the waist up, which in turn cause insurmountable insecurities.

Still, there's one body part which doesn't get enough attention since it's located way below and far from immediate scrutiny. In my humble, politically incorrect opinion, most people should seriously consider getting a brand new pair of feet.

Living in the cold climate of Canada keeps our feet tightly cocooned in boots and shoes far away from the scrutiny of others for most of the year. But it's these long winter months that make most Canadians yearn to disrobe at the first sign of above-freezing temperatures. What inevitably happens after the first snow-melt of the year is an impromptu street parade of barely clad pedestrians suddenly freed from the shackles of parkas, long johns, toques, and gloves; they're overanxious to show everyone their taut bodies that have been worked on during the long winter.

So eager is everyone to strip away all winter attire and show off their new chests, new tattoos, tight packages, and firm butts that what often gets forgotten in the pre-spring grooming process is everyone's feet, as evidenced once shoes and socks are replaced with flip flops.

If you've ever wondered if extra-terrestrial life exists, look no further than every fifth person's feet. For some people, their feet resemble lost parts of Ridley Scott's Alien. It's enough for me to half expect Sigourney Weaver to come barreling around the corner to blast them off. For others, feet can act as stand-ins for J.R.R. Tolkien's hobbits, or could be used as Klingon foreheads. In other words, some people's feet are the closest that reality gets to science fiction.

Look, I fully understand that you can only work with what you're born with and it's hard enough keeping up with unrealistic societal pressures and mentally crippling body issues etc., etc. But then why is it that the people who need a pedicure the most are the ones flaunting their ghastly hooves? And the solution is so simple too! If you must insist on keeping your toenails at a glorious 3cm length accompanied by corns, fungus, calluses, bunions, ingrown toenails and overgrown toe hair, could you please wrap a sock around your eyesores out of consideration for people like me who almost upchuck our last meal upon first sight of your creepy peds?

With 8 to 10 thousand steps taken on average every day, the total daily force equaling several hundred tons, and 250,000 sweat glands located on each foot pair, it's only natural that one's feet take such a beating they'll eventually resemble what tree trunks look like after being run through a wood chipper or schnitzels after being relentlessly hammered by meat tenderizers. So instead of always looking up and forward, more people should try looking down at their toes once in a while. By doing so they'll realize an entire episode of "The Swan" could be devoted to their feet alone.

Before any more eyebrows are raised, I'm not exactly a foot fetishist, although women in very revealing open toe high heels will never fail to hook my attention even if I'm bedridden on a gurney being wheeled to an operating table. I'm not above scrutiny myself. In fact, I'm my own toughest critic. Rest assured, any time that was spent by me at a beach was done with socks and shoes.

Think I sound too finicky and dainty? Well guess what -- I also believe that morning breath should be exterminated with (gasp) toothpaste and feces be immediately wiped away clean with 3-ply toilet paper. There's no need to put the word "high" in front of the word "maintenance" when it comes to how I view foot upkeep. Just clean your feet before you decide to show them to the world in a pair of sandals, dammit! Despite what you might think, there's a good chance you have feet only a mother could love.

Loading Slideshow...
  • Sally Hansen Revitalizing Foot Soak

    This lavender-scented soak will soothe and soften tired feet. $7, <a href="http://www.target.com/p/sally-hansen-foot-care-revitalizing-foot-soak/-/A-13332732" target="_blank">target.com</a>

  • The Body Shop Peppermint Smoothing Pumice Foot Scrub

    For a more rigorous cleansing, try this peppermint foot scrub that contains exfoliating volcanic rock. $14, <a href="http://www.thebodyshop-usa.com/shop-by-line/peppermint/peppermint-cooling-pumice-foot-scrub.aspx" target="_blank">thebodyshop-usa.com</a>

  • Tweezerman Pedro Too Callus Stone

    Put those foot razors away! Instead, use a callus stone post-soak to slough away dead skin cells. $12, <a href="http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp?productId=xlsImpprod1810199" target="_blank">ulta.com</a>

  • Earth Therapeutics Portable Clean + Cool Foot Wipes

    These minty foot cloths make for a cool wipedown. We also recommend keeping them handy to freshen up your feet after a walk outdoors. $7, <a href="http://www.drugstore.com/earth-therapeutics-clean-cool-foot-wipes/qxp208517" target="_blank">drugstore.com</a>

  • Face Stockholm Healing Feet

    Save your soles with this rich foot cream packed with ginseng, grapefruit and goji berry extracts. Tip: Apply moisturizer before bed and put on a fuzzy pair of socks. When you wake up, your feet will be super soft. $28, <a href="http://www.facestockholm.com/search.asp?productid=1006" target="_blank">facestockholm.com</a>

  • Julep Essential Cuticle Oil

    Cuticle oil is the secret to repair dry, cracked cuticles, as well as strengthen nails and extend a pedicure. $18, <a href="http://www.sephora.com/essential-cuticle-oil-P375371" target="_blank">sephora.com</a>

  • Chanel Le Vernis Nail Colour in Easter Light

    This opaque white nail will stand out against a bronzed complexion, or you can apply as a base to make neon nail polish pop. $30, <a href="http://www.chanel.com/en_US/fragrance-beauty/Makeup-Special-edition-LE-VERNIS-136888" target="_blank">chanel.com</a>

  • Seche Vite Nail Lacquer in Simplicity

    Dark-skinned beauties in search of the perfect nude should consider this one-coat latte nail color. $4, <a href="http://www.beautyencounter.com/buy/seche-nail-lacquer/809217692134/244516?utm_source=froogle&utm_medium=na&utm_campaign=froogle&utm_content=809217692134&gclid=CI_YxL3zpLcCFUyY4AodUWMAdQ" target="_blank">beautyencounter.com</a>

  • Estee Lauder Pure Color Nail Lacquer in Dilettante

    This pretty pastel blue will look feminine and flirty against tanned skin. $20, <a href="http://www.lordandtaylor.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/en/lord-and-taylor/pure-color-molten-lava-nail-lacquer?gclid=CIm_0fDzpLcCFUKd4Aod1DgAbQ" target="_blank">lordandtaylor.com</a>

  • Jin Soon A La Mode Collection: Poppy Blue

    If you're bored with pastels, paint on this highly pigmented blue nail polish. $18, <a href="http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/jin-soon-a-la-mode-collection-poppy-blue?ID=719832&cm_mmc=Google_PLA-_-main-_-21882504424-_-pcrid=21485276464&mkwid=qhWuCW3X&gclid=CPmRkIn0pLcCFUSi4AodC3UAQQ" target="_blank">bloomingdales.com</a>

  • Lancome Vernis in Love Collection: Plunge Pool

    Medium to dark skin tones can pull off this deeper shade that's not quite navy. $15, <a href="http://www.lancome-usa.com/Vernis-in-Love/100810,default,pd.html?dwvar_100810_color=561%20Plunge%20Pool" target="_blank">lancome-usa.com</a>

  • China Glaze Nail Lacquer in Sun of a Peach

    This creamy orange shade will look stunning with your new gorgeous glow. $8, <a href="http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp?productId=xlsImpprod5380001&skuId=2257916" target="_blank">ulta.com</a>

  • Julep Nail Color in Kaylen

    Women with deeper complexions can get away with this richer shade of tangerine. $14, <a href="http://www.julep.com/kaylen.html" target="_blank">julep.com</a>

  • Clinique Sensitive Skin Nail Color in 70 and Sunny

    Like the cheerful name implies, this bright nail polish color will perk up tanned skin. $16, <a href="http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/clinique-a-different-nail-enamel-for-sensitive-skin-nail-color/3492739" target="_blank">nordstrom.com</a>

  • Zoya Nail Polish in Micky

    For those ladies who love pink, this shade has a warmer finish that looks stunning against cool skin tones. $8, <a href="http://www.zoya.com/content/38/item/Zoya/Zoya-Nail-Polish-Micky-ZP665.html" target="_blank">zoya.com</a>

  • Essie Nail Polish in DJ Play That Song

    We're declaring this the summer's most flattering punchy shade of purple! $8, <a href="http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/essie-neon-collection-2013-nail-polish/3517007?cm_cat=datafeed&cm_ite=essie%28r%29_%27neon_collection_2013%27_nail_polish:906629&cm_pla=makeup:women:nail_color&cm_ven=Google_Product_Ads&mr:referralID=3d753d5d-c15b-11e2-a969-001b2166c2c0" target="_blank">nordstrom.com</a>

  • How to Give Yourself a Pedicure

    Fancy feet are a must for sandals and peep-toe shoes. Pamper yourself with a pedicure that’s easy and gets you back on your feet in no time.


Follow Danko Jones on Twitter: www.twitter.com/dankojones