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America Had A Pretty Good Run, Didn't It?

06/09/2017 02:34 EDT | Updated 06/12/2017 08:05 EDT
Bloomberg via Getty Images
U.S. President Donald Trump gestures to attendees during an event on infrastructure investment and deregulation at the Department of Transportation in Washington, D.C., U.S., on Friday, June 9, 2017. Trump said he is setting up a new council to help managers of infrastructure projects 'navigate the bureaucratic maze' of federal regulatory reviews and permitting, wrapping up what his administration had called 'infrastructure week.' Photographer: Michael Reynolds/Pool via Bloomberg

Dear America:

Hi, it's your northern neighbor Canada again. How's it going, eh? Actually, I can see how it's going and it's clearly not going well.

I hate to be impolite but it looks like your new president is a bit of a clown and your government is in disarray. Something's got to give and, with July 4th just around the corner, I've got a modest proposal that you might want to consider.

I know you're awfully proud of your history, especially that Revolutionary War that we think of more as the American War of Independence. You like to view it as the triumph of the common man although, truth be told, it really was more a case of the replacement of one group of elites with another, right?

The bottom line is that I don't think you were really all that keen on breaking free from Great Britain. After all, you were British subjects and your complaints were rather minor.

I suspect if King George III had made you any kind of reasonable offer, your thirteen colonies would have been just as happy to remain part of the British Empire. And that might have led to a far different result, one patterned more on our experience.

I'm guessing you could have experienced a slow, orderly path to eventual independence much like we did. I'm guessing, too, that that orderly path could have included the eventual abolition of slavery without the need for a vicious four-year civil war.

Just as we cobbled together our various colonies in our confederation of 1867, you could have created a 19th century colonial alignment to create an American union with the power of domestic governance. Like us, you could have slowly acquired more and more self-governance eventually leading to the status of a full-fledged nation state.

Such a slow reasonable transformation could have avoided all manner of troubles and expense. You could have avoided the Revolutionary War, the Civil War and the ongoing shame of slavery both de jure and de facto.


But never mind; what's done is done. No use crying over spilt milk at this stage whether it's from a supply-managed system or not. You can't turn back the clock.

What you can do, however, is rethink your 1776 decision and rejoin the British Commonwealth. I know that sounds a bit radical but bear with me.

You'd still be a sovereign nation with all the rights and privileges that entails. All that would really change would be your form of government. Instead of being burdened with an unpredictable president, you'd now have a monarchical representative as your nominal head of state.

Think of it; instead of suffering the daily travails and embarrassments of a President Trump you could be assured of a more stable and responsible government in the form of a parliamentary democracy. Instead of being stuck with a president for four or eight years, you'd now have a prime minister who could be unseated at any time.

As an added bonus, you could appoint Donald Trump as your first monarchical representative (what we call our Governor-General). Let's face it; all Mr. Trump really wanted was to be king anyway and this would be pretty darned close. He'd get to enjoy all the pageantry but without any real power and none of the substantive duties and responsibilities of a real executive position.

I know all this sounds a bit scary and overwhelming but not to worry; we can help you out. All the while you were killing and enslaving one another over the last 250 years, we've been slowly evolving into a kinder, gentler version of you: kind of an American dopplegänger, if you will.

We've got the blueprint to help you transition to a British Commonwealth member. Trust me; it's not that hard. Heck, we can even put in a good word for you with the Queen.

Your northern pal,

Canada

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