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The Cabinet Shuffle of My Dreams (Now With New Portfolios!)

07/15/2013 05:14 EDT | Updated 09/14/2013 05:12 EDT

Stephen Harper has finally shuffled his cabinet but if his aim was to turn the page on a year full of scandals, it looks like he failed by simply rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. A better bet would have been to take the lemons he'd been handed and make himself a batch of cabinet lemonade with courageous appointments like these:

Bev Oda

The former MP and cabinet member would make an inspired choice as the new Minister of Healthy Living. Ms. Oda may not be fiscally responsible but she sure knows her way around a balanced breakfast including a $16 glass of orange juice. Now if she could only quit smoking, she'd be the poster gal for her new portfolio.

Peter Kent

Despite his five years in office, it has yet to be determined what skill this MP has to offer. Rather than assign him another substantial post, it would be better to make an asset out of a liability, recognize his true talents and appoint him Minister Without Portfolio.

Jim Flaherty

Often lost in a media scrum, this pint-sized pol needs to find a department more suited to his diminutive talents. Hence, he should become Canada's next Minister of Small Business, Small Stature and Smallenfreuden.

Peter MacKay

Having made a successful career of being duped and finishing second, Mr. MacKay needs to be recognized for his uncanny ability to do the wrong thing and deflect attention from the prime minister. He'll be perfect for the new cabinet post of Minister of Blame Taking.

Rona Ambrose

She's never really fulfilled her early promise as a member of Stephen Harper's cabinet but she's always managed to stick around for the next shuffle. Although there's really not much for her to do, she does take a great picture next to the prime minister. Look for her to be our next Minster of Great Hair.

Patrick Brazeau

He may not be too savvy when it comes to Senate expense claims but he's young and dynamic and seems to always love a good fight whether it's at home or in the ring with the Liberal leader. Let's make him our new Minister of Sport and Incarceration.

Pamela Wallin

If there's one thing Ms. Wallin knows, it's how to travel extensively and in style. Time to take advantage of that wealth of knowledge and appoint her Minister of Transport and First Class Travel.

Mike Duffy

Say what you will about P.E.I.'s most famous senator, he knows a lot about personal residences. With a potential crisis in the home construction industry looming on the horizon, here's a man who can show every Canadian how to have two residences. Thus, Mr. Duffy would be a perfect choice to be Canada's next Minister of Extra Housing.

Rob Ford

Who better to enforce the laws of Canada than Toronto's current mayor? After all, you need to break a few eggs to make an omelette and Mayor Ford is currently our nation's top egg breaker. Time to give him a Senate seat and make him our new Minister of Barely Legal.

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