THE BLOG

I May Be Retired But I Still Have Lots to Offer

08/22/2015 09:40 EDT | Updated 08/22/2016 05:59 EDT
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middle aged man sitting and...

Having been retired for five years now, I have to say, for the most part, it has been great. I get to do what I want when I want and, best of all, I no longer have to get up early and trudge off to work.

But there remain some lingering financial doubts. So far, it looks like my pension and savings will suffice but I figure it never hurts to have a bit of a cushion. To that end, I'm offering my newly acquired post-retirement skills at very reasonable rates.

Afternoon sleep research subject

It's my understanding that various universities and research institutes are very interested in studying the sleeping habits of different individuals. The problem, of course, is that most people have to work and simply aren't usually available to be sleep study subjects.

Much to my surprise, I have found that retirement has opened up all kinds of time for me to sleep. Night time, of course, is a wonderful time to sleep but I suspect that researchers have plenty of volunteers for that shift.

What they are undoubtedly lacking are volunteers for daytime sleeping, what some might call napping. That's where I come in. I am available pretty much 24/7 for sleep and am willing to engage in on-demand shuteye for whatever length of time researchers require.

Whether it's a series of catnaps in the morning or two-hour full out snoozes in the afternoon, I'm their man. I'm even willing to hook up my camera-equipped laptop in the bedroom to make observations easier. And all I ask for my troubles is a dollar per hour of sleep plus any related snack expenses.

Surrogate reader

You're a busy professional with lots of demands on your time. You'd like to keep up with your reading but there just aren't enough hours in the day.

That's where I come in. One thing I've learned during retirement is that I have lots of time to read.

In fact, I've got so much time to read that I'm willing to do your reading for you. Don't have time to peruse the daily newspaper, your favourite magazine or the latest bestseller? Not to worry -- I do.

Just send me the book or magazine you want read or pay for my on-line subscription to your newspaper of choice and I'll do the rest. Within hours (for newspapers), days (for magazines) or weeks (for books), I'll have it read and summarized for your quick and easy review. Best of all, there's no charge to you apart from providing me the reading material for eventual resale.

Coffee shop lineup placeholder

It's a busy world and it's only getting busier. One place where harried workers lose a lot of time is at their local coffee shop in the morning. Whether it's Starbucks or Tim Horton's, it can take precious minutes out of your day just to get your morning java.

Remember, I'm retired and that's why I can help. If you provide me with your morning time of arrival, your Starbucks or Tims card and your usual order, I'll get in line for you and be ready at the counter with your mocha frappuccino or caramel latte supreme when you arrive.

All I ask in return is the use of your card after the rush to buy myself a coffee and doughnut to enjoy with my online newspaper subscription.

Official Netflix tester

Thanks to retirement, I've discovered Netflix, that online video service that offers subscribers access to countless movies and TV shows. In a relatively short period of time, I have acquired extensive expertise in how to use this service and how to maximize its potential. Consequently, I would like to offer my services to the folks at Netflix as an official Netflix tester.

Any software-based digital video service inevitably has a few glitches and technical defects, glitches and defects which can annoy some users. My job would be to use and continuously monitor the Netflix service to track down, record and report any such problems.

I conservatively estimate my Netflix usage at approximately 10 hours a day so I can guarantee extensive wide-ranging viewing that will maximize the likelihood of encountering any technical bugs. Technical bugs that I will immediately report to the company for rectification. And all I ask for providing this valuable service is a $7.99 monthly credit on my credit card.

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