THE BLOG

Are People Living Rent-Free in Your Head?

11/15/2013 12:33 EST | Updated 01/23/2014 06:58 EST

I woke up this morning, and in my head I was arguing with a former therapist. Not my therapist, but one my friend had gone to see 20 years ago. I still remember the stupid thing he said:

"Some people use humour to deflect their true feelings."

Given what I do for a living, I took exception to this blanket statement and, of course, told her she should stop seeing him right away. To my way of thinking, therapists deflect humour, because they are scared of laughing. Have you ever seen a therapist smile?

Anyway, therapists have the ultimate deflector, the ever-reliable, "How does that make you feel?" Making a joke is never an acceptable answer to that question. Many therapists, it seems, want you to ooze self pity with a side dish of weeping -- maybe so they'll feel like they're getting through to you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to sobbing. My kidneys are very close to my eyeballs. But when it's all said and done, I find a good belly-laugh, even more than a good cry, raises the Serotonin levels enough that I can walk by an oven without wanting to stick my head into it.

It's hard to believe I am holding a grudge against a therapist I never actually hired. I never even met him. In fact I don't know if it was a him. Maybe it was a her.

But there I was this morning, barely conscious, giving him/her a piece of my mind.

To be honest, some mornings there is a whole cast of characters banging around in my head. A few corrupt banking officials, a guy I dated in my 20s who still hasn't given me back the 100 bucks he owes me (good old whatshisname?) and most of the United States Senate. These are just a few of the folks taking up space in my overcrowded brain.

2013-11-14-thinkingcartoon12.png

And these people don't even pay rent, or taxes, but they're walking around acting like they own the joint. And maybe they do, since some of them have been there so long I'm sure they have squatter's rights.

This year, though, I decided that it's time for them to go. I gave them eviction notices. As of today they have been served: they have 60 days. (In order to legally evict them I told them some of my relatives were moving in -- it's the only way you can kick people out in the winter.)

And, yes, I am lying to phantom folks, some of whom I've  never met. But I need peace of mind, damn it! Don't judge me.