It's a taboo subject in our culture: Married women, who dislike -- even hate -- having sex with their husbands.
It's a subject usually held in silence, behind embarrassment, confusion, sometimes even apathy. It's consoled with inner placations, like "There's more important things in a marriage than sex", or "This is just a phase" or "My attraction will increase when the kids are older."
But at the back of minds, a thought lingers: What if this is forever? What if I'm abnormal? What would outsiders think if they knew the truth about "us"?
Well I'm going to come right out and say it: I despised having sex with my husband when we were married. And I'm not saying this to suggest that he was a bad person or I was a bad person, it was just my truth. And there were many reasons contributing to my disinterest:
1) Exhaustion from having three kids in diapers
2) Hormonal changes from pregnancy
3) Not feeling sexy/desirable in my skin
4) Feeling pressured to have sex and thus, like an "object"
5) The emotional disconnect we experienced outside the bedroom rolled into the bedroom
6) And many others...
Add up all the reasons and basically what it came down to is that I emotionally "closed" to my husband... and soon my legs followed.
That's not to say I didn't try -- in fact, I participated anyway, knowing full-well that if I didn't, emotional retaliation would follow: He'd be grumpy, mean, sarcastic, accusing. It was easier to just close my eyes, smile, pretend... and mentally go somewhere else.
I'm sure that my disinterest in sex, which I come clean on in my upcoming memoir, isn't driven by the same reasons for all married women; after all, no two marriages and no two women are exactly alike.
But I suspect that wives' disinterest in sex is more prevalent than we realize and the thick silence it's veiled in only damages us and our relationships even more.
Thus, I'm inviting you ladies to take this poll, your identities non-traceable. Because if this problem IS more widespread than we realize, the first step is to eliminate the taboo and be honest.
Please be sure to answer both questions.
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And I mean love in the sense we traditionally understand it in a marriage.
Not love as a comfortable friend or a reliable companion, but the love that makes a person fore swear all others.
You try to act charitable by saying he was not a bad man, thank you very much.
But in your attempt to justify your own failings as a woman you damn with faint praise.
It all sounds like another attempt to blame the man for bad choices made by the woman.
Yeah, I don't think it is. I'm pretty sure it's so much of a cultural cliché that women who actually WANT to have sex with their husbands are considered fictional.
I disagree fundamentally with the "two into one" position you take on marriage. Both partners must remain separate and grow.
"I believe that one and one make two" Alanis Morrisette
The purpose of a marriage is to create a life together, defined by a realization of more or less united goals as a couple, especially when children are involved. Remaining too separate defies this purpose, IMO, and often leads to growth out of the marriage.
There has to be a balance between unity and individuality in marriage for it to be healthy, I'd say. It is something each couple has to work out on their own as it cannot be imposed by external demands or, even worse, predilections of just one spouse (though both instances are fairly common, I think).
Even Darwin was confused about this issue. I think the trick is in the adaptability of humanity.
I think instead of placing blame, more women (or disinterested men) should be sure they're in decent physical health; have their hormone levels checked (add a bit of testosterone; yes, they have it for women) and see a counselor. If it's not for physical reasons, then it's going to be emotional; the emotional could run the gamut from childhood sexual abuse to just plain resentment toward your husband.
However, no matter what the reason, if it doesn't get resolved fairly quickly, a marriage is likely to fall apart. A woman who feels this way, to me, doesn't truly choose to love her husband. Love would involve doing your best to meet his needs (and vice versa) and not just by closing your eyes and going someplace else in your mind. That, to me, is not love. In no way could I remain in a marriage like that. If I wanted a roommate, I'd charge rent.
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/01/the-wifely-duty/2659/