Over the past three years since I got divorced, it is by far THE most popular statement I've heard from women: "I don't need a man." And it's been said with passion. Power. Ownership. As if it's been EARNED.
And I've heard it all over the place: from dinners with girlfriends... to dating sites... to my website for divorced women. Hell, I've even said it myself.
Well today, I've had enough -- I'm calling bullshit on it. For I think we are not just lying to ourselves when we say it, we're spitting on men, whether consciously or unconsciously.
Sure, maybe right now isn't the time when you feel you need a man in your life. Maybe you're hurt. Maybe he cheated on you. Maybe your life is under major reconstruction. Maybe you're learning to be happy on your own for the first time in your life, which is positive, healthy stuff, for sure!
But that's what we should be saying out loud and to ourselves then: "I'm learning to be happy on my own." Not, "I don't need a man." They don't mean the same thing. And something unhealed lies beneath the surface of that yucky catch phrase; it has nothing to do with us women being strong and powerful. It's anger. It's grief. It's a lack of trust. Or any combination of the above.
Imagine, for a moment, if the tables were turned -- that men were the ones announcing, "I don't need a woman." I'd find it startling -- hurtful. Even demeaning. So why is it OK that we do it? Language is a powerful thing... and I think we've crossed the line.
Oh I know we are powerful women. I know we can do it all without a man -- careers, family, friends, travel. And we've proven that. But let me ask you something: that part of you that insists you don't NEED a man, what's its beef with? Is it disgusted by the idea of a loving, intimate, respectful relationship with one person? Is it annoyed with the mere idea of connecting, sharing, openly communicating and being heard by a special man?
Cause I'm going to wager your answers are no. Plus I'm going to remind you that every woman AND man, needs to loved and share their love with a partner... or two...or 10. For it's in our human design, our physicality, our hearts, and souls -- and it's a beautiful thing, this need -- not something we should be denying or stomping on.
And there's some deep-rooted part of us, no matter how we try to repress it, that knows we're lying to ourselves by proclaiming otherwise.
(Would love to hear the thoughts of men around this topic, too.)
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and, i'm not dressing for anyone but me. i'm not cooking HIS favorite meals; i cook what i like! (its sort of nice). i participate in activities i like and go to movies i want to see. no one tells me what to buy or that i spent too much.
i have 3 children that i love dearly. and while their father occasionaly appears & stirs things up, its mostly a very stable, warm environment.
happy, healthy, safe, surrounded by friends and family who love me and who i love; life is good.
We are, by our very nature, social creatures. Even the loneliest loners will seek out their partners subconsciously and even without a partner, you find many of them feel the need to be around people an dhave at least SOME kind of meaningful relationship; unless of course, you're a maniac psychopath.
I believe that being in a meaningful relationship is necessary to balance ourselves out. We are incomplete. By ourselves, it's just us. We entertain our own neurosis and craziness and belief system, that many times, are destructive. We're incomplete. We need balance. Look at the qualities of both man and woman; it's not hard to believe that there is a balance there and that we seek it without knowing so.
Saying you don't need "either sex" is a lie and goes counter to nature. You COULD say, I don't need a man, I'd rather make do with another woman. That's perfectly valid but that also comes with its own set of problems just as grave as with a man.
We ALL need someone...and not just "as friends". That's also another cop-out.
I appreciate your willingness to call out willful cognitive dissonance. Most men are generally decent and have no fear of commitment/relationships. But we’re aware of statistics:
80%ish of relationships are initiated by men
50%ish of marriages fail.
70%ish of divorces are filed by women.
80%ish of (former) spousal support payments are made by men
I will leave it to you to verify my numbers if you wish to challenge them. I recommend starting with the Census Bureau (or Stats Canada)… Those odds reflect a form of insanity if we were to engage, so we don’t.
Before marriage (and during/after), we’re expected to pay for your time. We’re expected to entertain you as performers and not people. If we don’t meet your expectations of a ‘real man’ you ridicule & shame us and talk about us to your sons, your brothers, your nephews, your male friends and co-workers; all MALE.
Here’s the thing.
WE heard YOU. You’ve told us you don’t need/want us (pick your semantic to hide behind. it doesn’t matter). We’re tired of your ceaseless bashing while simultaneously demanding our energy and our focus in exchange for your mercurial approval Many of us are no longer concerned with your happiness/approval. We’re focusing on things we want to do to relax or for fun & we’re ok doing it without you. If the tables were turned, would you not do the same?
So we heard you and hear you now. What’re you doing about it?
There was no abuse in either marriage, by the way.
announcing " I don't need a woman". Delaine says herself it would be hurtful, even
demeaning to hear this. So why is this okay for a woman to say " I don't need a man."?
I think Delaine makes a good point when she says what women should be saying instead
of " I don't need a man " is " I'm learning to happy on my own." John Gray author of "Men
are from Mars, Women are from Venus" says the use of language men and women use
to communicate is different. Both sexes share the same planet mother Earth and the
truth is we both need each other. Most men are easy going and down to earth, but the
trick is to find that special man or woman that you are compatible with, that you love and want to
share your life with.
You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but to sneer at all who don't share it, is rather arrogant and presumptuous. The comment put forward by, "notconvincedgranny" seems more grounded than this article. Need, and want, are two entirely different things. Speak for yourself, and don't disparage others for saying something aloud that you can't seem to grasp.