A month ago, a local book club contacted me to say that they'd chosen my just-released memoir, The Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom, as their April pick. So great was their enthusiasm that they also asked if I might attend their meeting in person. I agreed wholeheartedly -- discussing my book's core messages around sexual and personal awakenings would be a huge honor for ME.
But out of the blue came yesterday's phone call:
"I really don't want to hurt your feelings, Delaine," the organizer said slowly yet kindly. "But a few women have already finished reading your book. And I guess it's causing some strong reactions and serious discomfort...
"You have to remember that every woman in this book club is married and most are in their 30s," she continued. "We don't openly talk about our sex lives like you have in your book. We certainly don't talk about whether or not we, or our husbands, have had affairs. And none of us have personally gone through a divorce or experienced what it's like to date after divorce...
"Honestly Delaine, in all the years we've met as a group, a book has never catalysed so much conversation and controversy as yours has, and we haven't even held the meeting yet! But I think having you there will just be too much for some of the women to handle.
"I'm so very sorry, please don't take this personally...but I have to 'un-invite' you from attending the meeting."
I hung up the phone feeling calm yet rather shaken. It's not that I was offended; none of these women even knew me, so why would I take their "rejection" personally? What ate at me was wondering which parts of the book were THAT "uncomfortable" for them. Was it when I received a phone call in the middle of the night from my husband's mistress? Was it my sexual curiosity -- perhaps the fact that I learned to G-spot orgasm with a man I casually dated, or that I once attended a sex club? Was it that I dated younger men or that I flew off to a different country to meet a handsome sexual Dominant?
Even if readers disagreed with ALL the sexual choices I'd made, I still couldn't help but feel perplexed. For all these "events" were not my STORY. My story -- its core message -- lies in the immense personal and sexual empowerment I experienced as I moved forward in the aftermath of divorce and infidelity. In my eyes, wouldn't ALL women -- married or not -- applaud another woman's empowerment during crises, even if stemmed from her sexuality?
But I know that people judge others through the looking glass of their own personal experiences. And if they've never been divorced or betrayed, if they've never had to start over from scratch and rebuild not only their lives but their identities, then the risqué subjects I cover might be way beyond the scope of their empathy or comprehension. Worse still, if any reader is unhappily married, she could very well feel ruffled or threatened by my book's themes -- and pointing fingers and pontificating morality would be the easiest way of justifying her unhappiness and feeling safe.
(Sigh) I didn't write my book to advocate my path or my choices as right or iconic for all women. All I did was share my story... with transparency, honesty and courage. How men and women react to it is plain and simply beyond my control. That it has ruffled some feathers and stormed conversation means it has made women think, question, and feel; I can only see that as a positive.
But I can't help but wonder if I'd still be invited to this book club if I'd lied and said my book was fiction.
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Focus on the praise that your work receives and the people it touches. Learn from the constructive criticism you receive but take it with a grain of salt. Forget the haters and people who can't effectively communicate why they don't like your work- they don't even know themselves.
Why give them the time of day even if you're disappointed?! Focus on the groups who would love to host you!
Perhaps the lady with whom you talked could just as easily have said none had endured divorce--yet.
To quote another author: don't sweat the small stuff.
You never know.
I suspect that all of them would have been more comfortable if they could have remained anonymous for the discussion.
However the fact is that most women do not get the opportunity to define themselves sexually or have the freedom to explore, not in the same way you have.
Speaking for myself I know that I am a better, stronger person for doing so. I have confidence and I am a better parent for it. When I "thought" I knew and felt strong before the exploration, I couldn't understand why things weren't working for me in relationships.
It took a while to learn the difference between knowing in your head and knowing in your soul. Once I knew in my heart and soul from the sexual experiences I had, I could take ownership of myself and acknowledge fully who I am. Things got so much better and life has been wonderful, in part because of my wonderful husband.
I didn't choose the title for my book, my publisher, who is American, changed it to this. My original working title was "A Woman's Body Never Lies". Yeah...very different feel.
Thank you for your comment.
The only issue I take is with the title of the article: Can Married Women Handle a Single Woman's Truths?"
I am 34, and have been married for 2 years and I am not insecure about my marriage, my sexuality or my sex life. Reading or discussing someone else's affairs or relationships will not impact mine. I can easily handle a single woman's truths - because I was also once a single woman!
There are lots of books (fiction or otherwise) that deal with issues of intimacy, cheating, sexual exploration - so I really, really do not understand what the problem is with the book club. Perhaps one of these women read something in the book that hit too close to home and can't admit it. Who knows - their loss!
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Imagine that!
I've been a member of a couple different book clubs over the past decade. The other members were my close girlfriends. And I can't help but wonder if what me and my friends shared - that is, non-judgmental, intelligent, open minded discussions and friendships - is far more rare than I realized...
One thing is for sure: this book club rejection has me feeling more grateful than ever for my circle of gfs. Cause life hits all of us between the eyes at some point in time - and it must be painfully lonely and scary for those who have to mask themselves for fear of judgement. Women bond, learn and grow through sharing each other's stories. And without the freedom of authenticity of self, including sharing one's 'well-made mistakes', important issues are shoved underground.