Baby Storm is four months old; it lives in Toronto, Canada, and is as cute as can be. Wait -- "it"?
That's right. Storm's parents are keeping the infant's sex a secret from everyone but the immediate family and a handful of confidants in an effort to provide the child freedom to eventually decide on a gender identity, without the influence of societal expectation and narrow, traditional gender roles. Instead of dolls for girls and trucks for boys, Kathy Witterick and David Stocker have decided that "anything goes."
Storm's parents have gotten a fair amount of venomous feedback after a recent Toronto Sun article on their decision by Jayme Poisson went viral, and I have no intention of feeding the fire. It's fairly clear that they are loving parents with admirable intentions -- to see fewer children limited by stereotypes or stigmatized for their differences, whether it's what they want to wear, do or be.
Letting kids express their gender "creatively," as Poisson puts it in her story, is great; it's good parenting to let them sample lots of different kinds of roles. But the fact is that gender differences are not all socially invented, and they're not all chosen -- there are differences in male and female brains that show up rather early in children's development. It's not just a stereotype that girls tend to develop language skills earlier, and find it easier to sit still, while boys tend to be more rambunctious. Some of the typical variation in boys' and girls' play -- the trucks vs. dolls -- is based on those inherent differences between the majority of boys and the majority of girls.
What we want for all children is for them to be comfortable in their own skin, to feel good about their bodies, their gender identities and their sexual preferences -- whatever they may be, and whether or not they're typical. That isn't to say that these are choices, either, though children experiment with clothing and play and personas as they develop knowledge and confidence about who they are.
Raising Kids In A Bubble
Being secretive about a child's gender seems rather antithetical to this necessary process of developing an identity. Witterick and Stocker seem to be raising their three children in a kind of bubble by creating an expectation-free zone, which may be great for experimentation but doesn't help them develop the strength and confidence to be comfortable in the world inhabited by other children and adults.
Indeed, their oldest boy, Jazz, who at 5 is often mistaken for a girl because of his penchant for wearing his hair in braids and sometimes donning a dress, apparently elected not to start school last year, though he is eligible, for fear of being teased. "People -- children and adults -- would immediately react with Jazz over his gender," Witterick tells Poisson. "That's mostly why he doesn't want to go to school."
I can't help thinking of the more sensible approach another mom I know took when her young son asked her, "If I wear this pink thing to school, will people make fun of me?" Her answer: "Yup. I don't know why, but yes." This is the truth. He needed that information to decide what he wanted to do. Learning to get along with other kids is one of the tasks of growing up. Keeping them in the nest indefinitely, with what Witterick and Stocker call their home "unschooling," isn't going to help them learn to connect with other kids and navigate social universes. Teaching them that they are only safe -- understood, accepted -- at home is not a very character-building message.
One wonders whether all this focus on the children deciding for themselves -- not only what to do during the "unschool" day but whether to go to school -- really helps make kids sure of themselves, or is a kind of "unparenting." Research suggests that children do best when parents are comfortable with their own authority, that children appreciate, and benefit from, structured homes in which parents are warm but clearly in charge.
Still, we're not too worried about these children. That fact is that kids are incredibly resilient, and they're also joiners by nature. The pioneering (if not welcome) research of Judith Rich Harris suggests that peers are far more influential in socialization than parents are. What parents can do is guide their children towards peers they think will do a good job helping their kids craft their own identity -- which does not appear to be happening yet in this household. And as many a clever commenter online has pointed out, the inevitable teenage rebellion of these free-spirited youngsters could very well be to simply wear pants and do well on math tests.
Secrecy Is Unhealthy For Children
What is most disturbing is the secrecy -- that Witterick and Stocker have charged their two sons with staying mum about Storm's sex. The boys say it's OK, but that doesn't make it OK. Gender is a part of who we are, even if we hope that it wouldn't matter as much as it often does. Pretending it doesn't exist isn't a good message to send to a child-or an infant. It magnifies, rather than reducing, its importance. And charging young children with keeping family secrets can be seriously unhealthy.
It smacks of a social experiment that may have more risk than benefit for the subject. Research is normally vetted to make sure it is both scientifically sound and ethical -- that potential harm to the subjects participating is minimal. This isn't scientifically sound, and the risk is that Storm is turned into a sideshow -- with everyone the child meets wanting to literally look into those diapers.
The two older children have clearly been enlisted in the family cause. "Let your kid be whoever they are!" reads an exhortation in a booklet by Jazz -- who, incidentally, calls himself the "Gender Explorer." "Help girls do boy things. Help boys do girl things," it also reads. All fine, but what's missing there is the key caveat: "if they want to."
His mother seems even more confused. "Everyone keeps asking us, 'When will this end?'" she tells Poisson. "And we always turn the question back. Yeah, when will this end? When will we live in a world where people can make choices to be whoever they are?" Suggesting that identity is entirely a matter of choice is almost Orwellian and definitely not a message for children. If anyone ever asks you to choose who you are, tell them, "No thanks. I'm free to be me."
For more information on this topic and on the Child Mind Institute, visit www.childmind.org.
Follow Dr. Harold Koplewicz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrKoplewicz
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While some may think that what the parents are doing is noble, I disagree. They say they want the kid to chose, which sounds great, but how can a kid make a good choice if he/she is ignorant? How can you decide to follow the social roles of a boy, if you don't know what's expected of a boy? Furthermore, a parent's role is to teach a kid, not pretend that the kid is his/her equal. If you don't teach a kid the social norms, you are condemning that kid to a "school of hard knocks" when his/her life could be so much easier.
I hope the parents abandon this "noble" experiment, listen to common sense, and that the kids don't have a tough childhood.
I think it is irresponsible to force your self and your children to conform without a fight.
I'm not a conformist or anti anyone, I was just pointing out that people make assumptions on many little things. For example how you dress will determine how you will be perceived at a job interview. Does how you dress make you a good or bad person? Of course not, but it's always better to know these rules and if you decide not to follow them, that's fine. I believe a person's life is better if they understand what they are choosing. I hope you didn't get the impression that I condone picking on people who are different.
We go by what we experienced while growing up and we either want to do the same exact thing or we are committed to being a different type of parent. Then some of us do the research to find the experts that support our particular view.
School is not a safe place for a gay, lesbian or bisexual child. At the least they may be shunned, bullied or ridiculed. At the worst their very lives could be at risk.
Nature v. nurture has been argued for generations. All of the gay/lesbian people I know were all products of heterosexual families. None of them were taught by anyone in their family to be gay. For these people neither home nor school was a safe place to be.
I think we are all probably bisexual by nature. Our current day cultural norms teach us only heterosexual relationships are acceptable. We all know that an intolerant culture can threaten our livelihoods and our lives.
We all try to do the best we can and I support the efforts of these parents 100% and wish them the best of luck because almost all parenting is a great experiment with a wide range of variables.
Say you were to visit Japan or some other foreign culture you know nothing about. Would you have a better visit if someone were to teach you the "dos and don'ts" of that culture, or would you rather offend and anger people because you have no idea what's expected? I just hope these kids don't have to hard a time.
The information in this post doesn't suggest that these parents aren't providing that kind of guidance to their children. It does sound as if they are giving their child freedom to explore and freedom of expression without being guided by the genitals the child is born with. for example, it is not okay for boys to hit girls becomes it is not okay to hit other people.
That is not putting the child or others in harms way.
These children don't live on a Pacific island. They live in the middle of a city, where they will have to get by with others outside their family. Pretending those people don't exist is cruel. The fact that a 5 year old doesn't want to go to school and be with other children his age because he is afraid that they won't accept him is pathetic and nothing to be proud of. Keeping the child at home and "unschooling" him isn't any better.
Humans are social animals that live in society. They need social peers to live fulsome lives. If these parents want to intentionally raise boys who go against the grain, they at least ought to find like minded families and ensure that their children have a social life outside of their own family.
That situation is pathetic, but not because of Storm's parents, but because of the other children's parents. Parents should give their children freedom to express themselves without fear of ridicule, something that few transgender children receive at school or at home. You are blaming the victim and justifying the prejudice of other people.
A parent's job is to teach a kid how to behave properly. A kid is not a miniature adult, they need an adult to guide them. For example if I walked into a ladies restroom many women would be very upset and might even press charges. Of course if you think about it a woman's bathroom is almost the same as a men's bathroom. Yet we both know that I'm not supposed to go to a ladies room, but a kid won't know this unless a parent teaches them. I just hope these kids don't have a miserable life.
What they are teaching them is that Regardless of what is expected of them, it's okay to be who they are, because these particular expectations are RiDiCuLoUs.
Individuality is great, but children need to fit in. If you have a child who's gay, it would be unfair not to find a school/community/city where there was a substantial gay community for the child to feel part of. The same can be said of ethnicity too. But these parents are doing something and keeping the kids cloistered in the home to protect them from the real world those children will one day have to join. That is unfair.
If there are any control issues, they are the fact that these parents are most likely subtly encouraging their boys to be girly. Why is it always that the default is girly? Why pink? Why braids? If anything, I'd suspect that most girls who weren't subtly pressured into looking girly would never wear braids - which take time to do and get in the way of play!
Also the parents talk about choice, but ignorance does not equal choice. In fact it's impossible to make a good choice unless you are properly informed. I hope the parents listen to common sense abandon this silly experiment and I also hope the kids don't have a traumatic childhood.
This is not the only article on this particular subject. Dr. Koplewicz leaves out some crucial quotes by the parents. For instance, in another article, the mother says, "There has never been any question that issues of sex and gender and the decisions relating to it are always open for Age Appropriate discussion."
It does have the advantage of actually being the truth. The stories about harassment, assaults and murders in the media make it very clear to anybody that's paying attention that you are NOT safe, understood or accepted outside of your home unless whenever you emerge you don your 'culturally normal' disguise so as to deflect the attentions of those obsessed with enforcing conformity.
I'm not sure why exactly identifying the child's gender so they can be harassed by strangers about stepping outside of rigid traditional gender roles is particularly character-building. Which message is it that needs to be taught to the child: people of character withstand bullying and continue to be themselves? Or people of character understand conformity is necessary for safety?
I think these kids will struggle more than they otherwise would have to: either with their gender, with their community, or one day, with their parents - who'll they'll blame for using them as an experiment.
Unless you can prove this with empirical evidence, your argument has no validity. Nature vs. nurture is a long-standing question in the scientific community, and the idea that a layperson who has never researched the matter holds all of the answers to the debate is ridiculous.
I've heard interviews given with feminist neuroscientists who tried to bring up their kids in a gender neutral way. Before they knew it,their boys, started blowing stuff up and doing all the typical boy stuff that boys do with no encouragement from their parents.
I think were a lot more animal, then we'd like to admit.
The comment by darthmaul is exactly on point.
After years of struggling to figure out what makes a girl, I am 22 and still stuck. I suggest that, labels or not, when it come to gender... some people will always be ostracized.
I don't understand liberals....they are so scientific ...evolution....stem cell research and all act like super intelligent and scientific type...but cannot accept Male and Female is determined BY BIRTH. it is chromosomal....NOT in your mind.
I am probably mostly what you would call a "liberal." Yet I find these parents quite over the top. I suspect, though, that whatever those children were born to be (straight, gay, or any of a myriad of variations therein) that's what they'll be no matter what their parents do or don't do.
What IS in the mind is one's attitude towards other people.
Personally, I was labeled as a "tomboy" as a kid because I liked doing things only boys were supposed to do- climb trees, play softball and football, etc. My parents NEVER stopped me from pursuing these interests as a child. I had chemistry sets, telescopes, etc. Now, as a adult, I've been told by people that I "think like a man", whatever that means.
However these people raise their child, it's their business, and no one elses'. So long as the child is raised in a loving and caring environment, what is the problem? After all, in terms of life outcomes, does it really matter if someone acts or behaves in terms of traditional "masculine" or "feminine" roles?