The violations started small. I was 12, fairly tall, with brand new boobs. My mother wouldn't let me buy "real bras" for a long time. It didn't occur to me that was weird until boys in my class started advising me to "stop wearing sports bras" because I was looking a little "saggy."
It was a boy who told me I had to start shaving my legs if I wanted anyone to ever like me. I said that wasn't true. He laughed in my face and called me a dyke.
That night after shaving, my mother asked me why I was so vain.
They started finding reasons to touch me, pinching my butt, snapping my new "real bras," ("They look a lot better. Did you stuff?") or straight-up grabbing my breasts. Dropped pencils with awkward leanovers. Staged run-ins.
One time, a boy I knew who lived on my street forced his way into my living room while my parents were still working and fought with me over a remote control so that he could cop a feel. I didn't say anything. Speaking up was not an option -- rather, an easy road to being even more ostracized and labelled "crazy." Besides, who would believe that he'd wanted to touch me?
They named girls one by one, by the flaws of our bodies. What they considered theirs. They would write them on chalkboards to taunt us. Draw crude pictures.
If we showed it hurt us, it only got worse. I would cry in the bathroom and hope for some serious illness to keep me out of school, if only for a day.
When I kissed one boy, he encouraged me to do the same with his friends. Not because he thought I might want to, but because I was a toy he wanted to share. An experience he wanted to give his less "successful" friends. For them, a celebration. For me, certain social suicide.
Even if I wanted it, there was never any winning.
I will never forget how excited I was to be invited to watch a movie with the popular boy I liked. I primped for hours. (I was, after all, a teenager grappling with my own new sexuality.) When I got there, he did not put on the movie we agreed to watch, but a porn film. I had never seen one before. He unzipped his pants, pushed and pulled at me. I cried the whole walk home.
These boys -- a particularly powerful group of them -- could pinpoint weaknesses. Worse, they knew they were wrong but there were just never any consequences. They knew this -- treating us like objects there for them -- was what was expected of them.
I want to say that they stop. But the truth is that some never do.
I have never stopped being reminded of my there-for-men status. I am reminded when I am violated in my sleep, or groped in a bar, or held down by a longtime friend. I am reminded when I refuse conversation with a strange man and he spits in my direction, or calls me a "bitch." I am reminded when I am asked why I wore such a pretty dress if I wasn't trying to "pick up." I am reminded when I am told to be less angry and more agreeable. I am reminded when I talk about my lived experience and am told to "stop being so negative about everything." I am reminded when young girls are bullied so severely by men who wanted to see their bodies that they commit suicide.
We don't talk honestly enough about what it's like being a teen girl, or what it can be like. If we did talk about it, what it was like for us, perhaps we wouldn't be so harsh on them. Perhaps we wouldn't throw our hands up in the air and exclaim "oh, teen girls, they're so difficult!" Perhaps they wouldn't be so scary. Perhaps we'd see their lives for the small and large violations they're often made up of; and what those violations do.
Perhaps we would have been less surprised today when we learned that a 15-year-old boy was arrested on the scene of a sexual assault, in connection with a series of sexual assaults occurring in the Bloor and Christie area of Toronto. Perhaps we would be less shocked by the fact that it's 12-17 year old boys who are the most likely to commit sexual assault (Statistics Canada, pg. 13). That is, after all, what they were doing to me.
My stories are not uncommon. They're more common than we want to think. As my friend Panic said: "Ask anyone who is or has been a teenaged girl. 15-year-old boys assaulting women is common. It's 'normal.'" It's so normal, in fact, that we don't talk about it until we're women and we know it doesn't have to be.
Pretty much everything in North American culture tells men and boys that women and girls are there for them. So please, do us some favours. Stop telling us that we have to take self defence. Stop telling us we shouldn't drink or go out at night or on dates. Stop telling us that we need to be prepared for whatever "boys-be-boys" violations come our ways, because it's bullshit. We don't have to accept this or carry it around in silence.
Start talking with men and boys about the messages they're getting about women and girls. Tell them that they are not entitled to our bodies, no matter what. Talk to them honestly and comprehensively about sexualization and objectification. Stop being afraid to talk about boundaries, sex, and pleasure--leaving that to schools, the Internet, and peers is simply not cutting it. Show them what consent really looks like.
And this sounds basic, but remind them that we're, you know, people? We deserve at least that much.
Resources
Higher Unlearning
White Ribbon
It Starts With You
Follow Emma Woolley on Twitter: www.twitter.com/emmamwoolley
By villifying ALL men, the author drives a wedge between the readers. Driving a wedge between victims and purpotrators makes rational conversation HARDER to accomplish, and makes any sort of meaningful progress more difficult.
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"I am reminded when I am violated in my sleep"
Where are you sleeping?
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"Start talking with men and boys about the messages they're getting about women and girls"
This happens, all over the place. I am male, I was raised well; as were most of my friends. None of us engaged in this sort of activity. In fact, I'm quite certain that the group of boys that 'violated' the author were busy assulting me (Non-Sexually) in their spare time.
Next time you write something put down the paint roller that's covered in blame, and be a little more accurate with your blame; you'll be rewarded with meaningful conversation and progress on the issue.
On top of that you belittle the terrible experience of this author. Nasty, aren't we?
I only had minor issues with guys bullying me because I was the first girl to wear a bra. I wasn't that bothered by it and just gently asked them to stop snapping the back of it. It may have helped that I'm a bit of a tomboy and was friends with most of the boys in the neighborhood. I decided not to date in high school since guys are at their what I call their "highest hormonal level' then and could be real jerks. I think there should be education on double standards....and oh wait maybe sex ed shouldn't just be on biology, maybe you could actually show people essentially the mechanics of foreplay. Although I do know some American schools refuse to even teach sex ed....so I guess my whole comment is null and void there.
It's sad that this is how kids first interpret their sexuality. I think a lot of it comes from media (TV shows, cosmo magazines, porn), because most parents avoid this subject with their kids at that age. It was too embarrassing to speak to my parents about that stuff, and at the same time, most parents refuse to believe their little 12 year old is already being sexualized. I think all parents should teach their children about how our society sexualizes females, because when you're 12, you have no capacity to criticize these values and instead you accept them at face value. Hell, schools should teach intense sociology classes in junior high! Why wait until university?
Let me tell you. Even if this DISGUSTING idea and philosophy were to be accepted because of perceived benefits, it would fall flat on its face because it DOES NOT WORK. Sexual harassment and assault is even more rampant in Muslim countries. I grew up in one and from my own experience and that of pretty much all females I have known or observed in our societies, I can tell you that sex is THICK in the air in those countries.
Please don't bring up stats to show that rape and sexual assault is more common in the West. You really think women in our societies can or will go report it?
Despite the progress we have made, many women are still socialised as girls to make choices that favour the men in their lives.
Now you're going to be attacked for offering your opinion. "You didn't fight back enough", "you hung around the wrong type of guys", "you didn't report the problem therefore you're part of the problem". "Not all boys are mean, so you're being unfair by labeling all men as monsters". That is not what you said, but that is what some people will hear.
Don't believe any one who says you said the wrong thing.
The majority of men are complete and total, heartless jerks as kids and will be when they get older if not clobbered in the face by someone with a brain who respects another human life.
BTW maybe if small children aren't introduced to rapper music videos of objectifiying women this wouldn't be so much of a problem. Monkey see, monkey do - If the really "cool" people act like this, maybe if I act like this I'll be cool, too? Sooner or later girls are being called "Baby" and "Shawdy (shorty???)" and being groped by freaks.
I'm surprised by how many of the comments on here are criticising the author...either for not being "active" enough in opposing the terrible treatment she was on the receiving end of, or by not also talking about how girls also abuse other girls.
On the first criticism, I think a lot of those commentators clearly don't remember what it was like to be a teenage girl (or never were one), but that is honestly asking a hell of a lot of a 12 year old to know how to handle the situations described in this piece.
As for girl-on-girl bullying, of course it's a problem. But the author wasn't purporting to speak to all of the problems facing teenage girls in society; she was recounting her own experience. Does that make it any less real or any less scarring?
I didn't know any better, and as an 11-year old, I'm not sure if I should have been expected to. The teachers at the time knew what was going on but only once was it vaguely addressed in class. If greater emphasis is put on humanizing the problem at the root instead of waiting for it to escalate in later years, maybe these more serious abuses could be prevented.
With all of the discussion about "bullying" lately, there should also be more written about how girls are bullying and verbally assaulting other girls - it's not just the boys - it's everyone. Our culture is so centred on sexuality and a concept of beauty that's so artificial. Shows such as the Bachelorette only exacerbate the snarky, jealous and trite behaviour amongst girls and young women.
I agree that boys and young men need to be raised in an environment where they are told not to objectify women, that there are ramifications to uncivil, unlawful conduct; that we are equal. I also feel that girls and young women need to speak up, look after themselves. Predators don't approach people who appear strong and confident; they approach those they can victimize.
You're a fool...and part of the problem.
And I do live.
I am not blaming the victim. But any police officer will tell you.....walk with strength, carry yourself, look determined.
Further, I am not part of the problem. Life is hard. Be strong and carry on. I've been assaulted, not in a sorry ass teenage way, but a criminal way. And I am not a victim!