PARENTS

21 Hilarious Parenting Quotes From Jimmy Fallon

Happy birthday to the "Tonight Show" host!

09/19/2017 09:01 EDT
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Fallon has two daughters ― 4-year-old Winnie and 2-year-old Franny.

Jimmy Fallon has a few years of parenting experience under his belt and quite a lot of funny things to say about it. 

The “Tonight Show” show host and his wife, Nancy Juvonen, have two daughters ― 4-year-old Winnie and 2-year-old Franny.

In honor of his birthday on Tuesday, we’ve rounded up some of Fallon’s funniest parenting quotes. 

On baby fluids:

“They vomit a lot. For a second I thought I needed to rename my first Linda Blair and hire a priest, because she was spitting up so much.” 

On sharing photos of his kids:

“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”

On how babies change your life:

“When you have a baby, sleep is not an option. You can’t sleep. Even on vacation, you wake up at 6:30 a.m.”

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On the hardest part of being a new parent:

“Putting together all of the gear. I broke a sweat assembling some Swiss egg-shaped high chair for Winnie that looked like a piece of art.”

On the first months of parenthood:

“When we first had Winnie I would squeeze her really tight and close to me like I was holding a football running for a touchdown.”

On baby durability:

“You’d be surprised how durable babies are. You hold them like they’re Fabergé eggs, and then ― wonk! ― she hits her head on the table and you think, ‘Oh my gosh, did I give her a dent on her head that’s going to be there forever?’ But babies aren’t that precious. Everyone turns out fine. Just love them and make them laugh. I make my daughter laugh every day.”

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On changing diapers:

“So, I don’t breath through my nose, I totally plug my nose, ‘Oh my god, cute baby! So cute.’ And then, I have these wipes and I wipe and I wipe — I wipe too much. At this point they’re going all over the baby, I make sure there’s nothing even around the baby. Then I put this diaper rash thing on that I also use, so I save money.”

On the wildest thing about being a parent:

“That people think they can talk to you about poop. ‘Oh, you have a new baby? Is she sleeping? Is she pooping?”’ Normally I’d be blushing, but as a parent you just get used to it, and pooping is just another verb in your vocabulary.”

On the emotional highs:

“I didn’t think it was going to be this fun. But everything just gets heightened when you have a baby. The volume gets turned up on life.”

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On his daughter’s first word:

“It was important to me that her first word be ‘Dada.’ I went as far as to try to trick her into saying ‘Dada’ by calling everything ‘Dada,’ from her bottle to diapers to strawberry …I just thought it would be a cute story when people asked, “What was the baby’s first word?” I wanted to say, “It was ‘Dada’. She loves her Dada.” And everyone would go “aww.” But sadly, “Mama” was her first word. 

On entertaining his daughter:

“I play this song on the guitar that I made up that goes: ‘I’m dancin’, I’m dancin’, I’m dance-dance-dance-dance-dancin’ and Winnie just spins around in a circle until she gets dizzy and almost falls, which is funny. But it’s also becoming dangerous.”

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On raising a multilingual child:

“At 10 months old, I had her reading foreign language books — Donde Esta Spot? was a big one. ‘Donde esta Spot?’ My voice gets deeper when I read espanol, and I don’t even speak Spanish. But she doesn’t know that. Then I read French like ‘Bonsoir, lune?’, which is ‘Goodnight Moon’ in French, and I definitely don’t know any French. But I just keep saying things as a question? ‘Bonsoir, lune? Bonsoir, balloon? Bonsoir, oatmeal? Bonsoir, tiny mouse?’”

On homemade baby food

“Thank you Winnie and Franny for making me believe that I could make my own baby food. Hope you like your beet and Swiss chard pudding. It’s made with love.”

On becoming a dad:

“Moms should know that even the manliest guys will become softies when they have daughters. Dads immediately fall in love with their little girls, and will let them get away with everything. So moms are going to have to be the disciplinarians when it comes to daughters.”

Happy Halloween!

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On fertility struggles:

“People have struggled longer than we did, but there’s shots involved and acupuncture and sleeping upside down. We tried everything. There’s the embarrassment of telling people that we’re having one and we’re pregnant and then it’s not working out. You have to go out and be funny every night and tell jokes and act like nothing’s going wrong. But that’s being a comedian — that’s the job.”

On the joy of fatherhood:

“This has been the craziest year of my life. But being a father is the most exciting, amazing thing that ever happened to me.”

On how parenthood affects marriage:

“If you’re lucky enough to have kids, it’s the greatest thing in the whole wide world. You experience it together and it’s the whole reason you get married in the first place. You want to experience these things together. It’s just a magical, fun thing and it makes marriage better.”

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On taking a break from his kids:

“I [Facetime] sometimes from home. I’m just in the other room going, ’Yeah, daddy misses you, but gotta watch the game.”

On parenting advice

“I heard a lot of advice about having a baby, but until you have one, I don’t really know if it’s that meaningful to you.”

On being a nerdy dad:

“I want to teach them everything I’ve ever learned. I’m going to teach them what a vinyl record is, and I can’t wait for them to eat their first meatballs. I look forward to vacations and family time. I’m going to be that nerdy dad, like, ‘Okay kids, let’s back up the RV, and here we go!’ They’ll be like, ‘Dad, leave us alone. You’re such a nerd.’”

On the little moments:

“There are nights when you’re sitting on your couch, and you’re with your beautiful wife — who you can’t believe married you — and your beautiful baby — who you feel endlessly grateful you were able to have — and your dog, and you’re watching Real Housewives getting into fist-fights on TV and you go, ‘How great is my life?’”

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