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My New Year's Resolution...Five Months Later

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I recently wrote an update about making my first new year's resolution in memory. Especially one that I planned on keeping. While trying something new or having a new experience isn't the most difficult resolution to keep, it is like many other resolutions in that it allows and encourages you to change. I think that's the most important piece of information that people often forget about making resolutions.

Rather than make a resolution that you'll end up forgetting or failing at, make one that sounds exciting and dramatic, something that is achievable, fun, but also something that will push you out of your comfort zone, allowing you to become (even slightly) a better person. It is this change that is your reward.

Posting my four-month resolution update made people ask what my "thing" for May was going to be.

A leap of faith.

Sounds simple. And yes, in ways it is. But it's also very complicated in a number of other ways. Making the decision to take the leap was easy, a no-brainer choice. But it's the commitment afterwards that's been difficult. Not in the sense that I regretted my decision, that was never the case; It was the emotional fallout and commitment that followed that has been the struggle.

I often say that I "don't have feelings or emotions," implying that I'm some sort of automaton. And it's not untrue. I can guard myself quite well, showing only what I want people to see. But, it should go without saying, that yes, I do actually have feelings. In short, I don't enjoy feeling vulnerable (who does?) and I try to avoid that feeling at all costs, making sure that I am always in complete control of my emotions at all times.

So imagine how taking a leap of faith feels to someone who doesn't enjoy vulnerability. My emotions have run the entire gamut: panic, calm, happiness, anxiety, anticipation, excitement, more anxiety, more panic, and more excitement.

And you know what? I made it through all of these phases. Nothing happened; God didn't smite me, I didn't crumble from weakness. In fact, going through this experience allowed me to learn so much about myself, and how I keep people at a distance by staying emotionally distant. So, there's that. Sounds pretty positive to me.

My work now is to try to improve my existing relationships by being fully emotionally invested in them. Those people deserve that. Hell, I deserve that.

So, when you make your next resolution, don't resolve to finally get back into those skinny jeans, instead, resolve to improve yourself as a person, however that may be.