One thing I'm realizing about divorce is that it can follow you around like a stray dog. I'm four years post divorce, and there it is, always trailing behind me. If kids weren't involved, I'd get to move forward without any sort of a shadow. But with kids, I'm tied to my ex forever. I always have to consult him, make decisions together, share the kids, ask permission, give permission. It's great in terms of co-parenting, but it puts an additional burden on any relationship I have with a partner.
Why would anyone volunteer to be part of any messiness, unpleasantness, emotional trauma or drama that being divorced often entails. If I couldn't be married to my ex, why would a new partner want to hitch himself to our situation? It's like I'm asking my boyfriend to walk around with a bad taste in his mouth. Forever. And it causes a lot of stress. So much stress that I end up with migraines and a stiff neck and I feel physically exhausted much of the time. Yet I can't seem to help it.
What I'm most scared of at this point is what this might mean for my future. If no sane person can be with me because I'm chained to my ex, I will likely never get married, live with anyone, or have a successful relationship, at least until my kids are grown and my ex isn't as much of a presence in my life. Maybe I should just buckle down, accept my fate, and adopt a few cats for company.
But it's not what I really want in life. And it doesn't seem fair that I should have to accept it. So how can I take charge of my own fate? How can I move ahead and find a way to at least mentally leave the past behind?
I know this sounds crazy but I spoke to a psychic medium on Skype yesterday. Right off the bat, she told me that 2012 was a hard year for me, and that the last four have been difficult, too. She also said there was something about the month of November and the number eight. In fact, I separated in November 2012 during my eighth year of marriage. I began to cry.
"But it's his fault, not yours. He plays you like a piano and you have to move on," she insisted. "You have to let go and move on."
Apparently she could see my grandparents and they were telling her to tell me that I'm strong, that they've been watching all along and they are proud of me. I cried more.
She told me other things, things that were so true they could easily have been found on the Internet. She said she sees two boys, that they both have strong personalities, that the younger one is bigger than the older one and that the younger one is creative and has a thicker head of hair. She told me my book would get published, that it would represent an ending and new beginning, and that February will be a busy month for me.
"If you throw enough shit against the wall some of it's going to stick," my dad told me after I filled my parents in on my Skype call. My mom, skeptical at first, began to tear at the thought her parents might be in the room. The medium also smelled fresh bread and said we like it best with the crusty top. My mom has been experimenting with that recipe and likes her bread best with the crusty top. She cried a bit more.
The medium told me to let my boyfriend know he needs to get his eyes checked. I'm wondering if she meant that literally or metaphorically. If he was seeing clearly, would he see that we have something special and that perhaps we're overcomplicating things by worrying about something that should be left in the past? Or should he be opening his eyes and running away? That last theory would seem to conflict with her belief that I will be happy and things will work out. Regardless, she told me not to worry. She told me I'd get an important call or email at 11 a.m., or between one and two, so I'm still waiting for that, as well as the rest of her predictions to come true.
I'm going to try my best not to call her back, even though the reassurance is so comforting. I want to ask how to let my ex go. I want to know how I can go on with my life and do a better job of pretending he doesn't exist? Of going about my business without him being such a force in my life. She said I could, believes I will. And my grandparents are supposedly watching over me. Whether I believe it or not, and I'm still skeptical, maybe the first step is simple. If I close my eyes, I imagine I'm standing outside under a clear, blue sky holding a balloon in my hand. I raise my fist to the sky and open my fingers. I watch myself letting go.
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