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Lower Those Standards: 5 Backup New Year's Resolutions

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NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
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Well, we're almost two weeks in to 2017, how you guys feeling? Ugh, yeah samesies. I'm not eating healthier, I'm not drinking less, I'm for sure not exercising more and I think I might actually have become less productive. So, that's good. Who would have thought that changing every aspect of my lifestyle and wholesale rejecting major parts of my personality would be, like, hard?!

Should I give up? Should I pack it in and aim for 2018? Should I just hibernate bear-style in my apartment until the world sorts itself out and we can all get on with our lives? hmm...very tempting...NO!

All it will take to accomplish my "New Year New Me" is a little reworking.

If you are anything like me, (and you probably are because I read like one article on the success rate of New Year's resolutions and it was very dismal, like don't even bother reading the research because I think we all know in our hearts what it says and it's just going to make you feel worse) then join me in participating in these "Easily Attainable and totally realistic New Year's resolutions for People who already fucked up but still want something to brag about on Social Media!"

1. Don't "Eat Better" just "Eat Better Waffles."

Recently, I became the proud owner of a waffle maker. You guys! If you don't have one go get one right now. Run, don't walk! My happiness quotient has increased tenfold since procuring this waffle maker. It's really hard to fall down the black hole of existential dread when you know that at any moment you're only like ten minutes away from a fresh and fluffy waffle. Plus, SYRUP, so, duh!

2. Don't "Run" just "Marathon Old Ep's of Murphy Brown."

I would not define myself as athletic. (Ask me about the time I embarrassed myself in a Yoga class, it's a good story) Yet, every couple of months I'm like "maybe I'll take up jogging" Riiiight? Like that's going to pan out well. I see other people out for a run and they look happy and determined and are wearing flashy outfits that make them look like glamorous assassins. I want that!

Hmm...what makes me feel happy and determined and requires a special outfit? Marathoning episodes of the late 80's-early 90's sitcom hit "Murphy Brown" (You should all go back and revisit it, the fashion! the witty banter! Candice Bergen! Uhh I die) What's the special outfit you ask? It's a pant suit. Watch 40 seconds of a "Murphy Brown" outfit and try and tell me you're not gonna replace all of your current clothes with dope trousers and boxy blazers.

"Last year gave us some straight bullshit and this year probably will too. So, let's really ease in to this whole 'change' thing."

3. Don't "drink less" just "drink better."

Woah, okay, yup, you're right that does sound a little peer pressure-y and judgemental off the top. But! Hear me out on this one. Typically when I go out for drinks I have a couple (okay maybe sometimes more than a couple) okay-ish beers from dirty tap lines and to be fair it's pretty fun. That being said it's also kind of me throwing away my money on stuff I don't really love. I don't feel shitty about drinking but I do feel shitty about spending money that I don't need to be.

So, instead, I've invested that money in a home bar. Now I can make myself (and anyone who wants to join) yummy delicious drinks that I actually really love for way cheaper. BONUS: We live in Canada and it's January so the more reasons I have to stay inside my house the better. Le Brrr!

4. Don't "Wake up Earlier" just "buy better socks."

Yes, I could get up a half hour earlier every day but I already know how I would waste that time. I would spend it looking for friggin' socks that match. Maybe you've got it together more than me and all your little sockies are all lined up in perfect sock rows in their perfect sock pairs and if that's true, bless you! 'Cause my sock drawer is a God damn disaster.

Socks are stupid little feet condoms that do not deserve as much time and energy as I give them. I solemnly swear to throw out all my old socks and by 14 pairs of identical pairs of black socks so that all of them match and I never have to go hunting again. I already feel better and more well rested.

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5. Don't "Read more books" just "Listen to the first and last chapter of audiobooks so you sound smart when people ask what you're reading lately."

Did you know if you pay your computer like a couple bucks you can get books read to you?!? If you did, why didn't you tell me about it earlier 'cause now I look like the asshole who just found out about Audible. I get that some people really like books and it relaxes them and that's fine, you do you. I sometimes feel physical pain trying to focus on reading.

(Real talk: If I'm trying to focus on something I get straight up shooting pains in my legs. Should I seek medical attention? Or is this just one of those "I grew up with sensory overload and instant gratification and now my brain is scared if there isn't a screen in front of my face" things?)

But, because I write things I know it's important to engage with other writers work and I can learn a lot and blah blah blah. I just pop on an ole audio book and -- voila -- I am freed from the physical torture of reading whilst still technically "reading". Sidenote: I always (for the most part, sometimes, on occasion, whose to say really?) listen to the full book I just said that for comic effect.

Take a deep breath 2017-ers, we can totally tackle these easy peasy New Year's resolutions. Last year gave us some straight bullshit and this year probably will too. So, let's really ease in to this whole "change" thing. I think my most important resolution of the year should be to sprinkle some Laissez-fairydust all over my life and do whatever I damn well please. Who's with me?

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