Once in a while, I question our choice to remain child-free.
It's not that I don't love our pets (two pit bulls, one shepherd mix and five cats -- all rescues) and enjoy the rich, full lives we've built for ourselves, but there's always going to be a small part of me that asks, What if? No matter how happy anyone is with their choices, I believe it's human nature to wonder about the path not taken.
If my husband Fletch and I reproduced, I have to wonder -- what would our kid be like? We always assumed that our progeny would have my twisted sense of humour and his twisted world view and would thus end up a supervillain, or at the very least, wouldn't get into a decent college because of a piss-poor attitude and problem with authority figures.
After we were married, we were broke. Flat broke. Not only did we not have health insurance, we could barely keep a roof over our heads, let alone have the kind of coin to throw around on onesies and Pampers. More importantly, our lives were completely chaotic and we weren't about to subject another human being to our shitty choices.
By the time we had our finances back on track, we both felt too old to bring kids into the mix. (What if I spent the past 20 years on birth control only to find out it didn't matter because I couldn't have kids anyway? I'd be apoplectic!) And I'd be lying if I said a houseful of Barbie shoes holds any appeal.
Yet when I hang out with my friend Wendy's daughters, I'm always smitten, likely because they're almost exactly like me. (Despite Wendy's best efforts.)
The last time the girls were here, her youngest took a long, contemplative look around my backyard and then said all matter-of-factly, "Jen, when you die, I want your house." Wendy was mortified, but in my opinion, you can't get a better compliment than that.
Would we be the kind of parents who treat our kid like a status symbol, especially given that we now live in the super class-conscious North Shore suburbs depicted in John Hughes movies? Would I be the mother who'd run the family into financial ruin to make sure my girl had more Louis Vuitton bags than any of her classmates so she'd have a positive self-image? I suspect I might.
I bet I'd work hard to expose my child to culture early and often so she wouldn't be the asshat afraid to go out to dinner when her Indian roommate craves tandoori chicken. And if maybe she'd been more places and tried more things than the rest of her peer group? I'd probably be OK with that, too.
All my questions are answered the day I meet Margo.
But before I get to Margo, allow me to set the scene. In Inferno, Dante depicts an allegorical journey through the nine circles of Hell. If Dante penned his epic poem today, he'd include the tenth circle of Hell -- the Whole Foods in Deerfield, Illinois.
Nowhere has the motto "abandon all hope, ye who enter here" been more appropriate. From the parking lot dotted with third-row seating Suburbans covered in pro-environment bumper stickers to the pacifists who will cut you for the last jar of almond butter, it's entering an arena where irony ceases to exist.
Regardless, I want some damn kale salad. While I'm standing at the counter, a well-heeled mother and her even better-heeled child of five or six cut in front of me. The kid's clearly just come from ballet practice, however her dance outfit is topped in a pair of D&G jeans. She's also wearing Hunter Wellington boots. I know they're pricey because I tried on a pair and ultimately didn't buy them. (More because of my tubby calves than cost, but that's not the point.)
The child tugs on her mother's arm, then whispers something in her ear. Then the mom says to the deli clerk, "Margo wants to know what kind of sushi you have today."
Suddenly all the resentment I feel towards this kid and her $300 jeans melts away. How badass is it that a little girl is so adventurous that she's not afraid of a little raw fish? I went three decades before I ever tasted so much as a California roll.
Margo tugs on her mom's sleeve again.
"Margo wants to know if the rice is extra fresh."
Um, OK, not only does Margo appreciate tasty sushi, but she also has an eye towards quality. Maybe Margo will become a chef. Her finely honed palate is going to set the culinary world on fire!
"Margo wants to know if the rice is extra-sticky. The last time it was almost too sticky."
So Margo thinks she's Iron Chef.
"Margo needs a taste first."
Margo needs to learn how to say "please."
"Margo enjoyed the Escolar you carried last week. Margo wants to know if there's any more in the back."
Margo goes to Montessori school, doesn't she?
"Margo wants wasabi but she doesn't like the wasabi you have on display now. Margo wants to know if there's other wasabi that's like wasabi, only less wasabi-like."
And now I'm done.
At this point I'd like to shake both mother and child, shouting,"MARGO IS SIX! MARGO KNOWS NOTHING! MARGO EATS PASTE!"
Also? Margo's the exact reason that I shouldn't -- and won't -- have children.
But I will have kale salad.
So there's that.
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You wouldn't encourage someone to become a pilot if she or he wasn't good at math and hated flying, would you? Then why on earth would you encourage someone to be a parent?
"May - August, 1990- Jen spends the summer living in Boston. She briefly becomes a Democrat. It is a dark, dark period in her life. Upon returning to campus, she changes her major to Political Science and joins the club for young Republicans." http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/about.html
I think the vast majority of people either take it for granted that at some point in their future they WILL be a parent or know for certain that they will not. I've never wanted children. It was never a difficult decision for me - in fact, it's one of the biggest certainties in my life. It's always been a deal-breaker in my relationships, and even now, as happy as I am with my partner of almost 10 years, I've made it clear that should he change his mind about wanting children, the relationship is over with no hard feelings (on my part, anyway). Whereas most of my currently childless friends either take it as a given that at some point they will stop being childless, and the few who don't are, like me, childfree.
I was 20 when I married and 27 when I had my oldest and now I understand my mom's whining for us to settle down and grow up *lol*.. it was just code for Make Me a Grandma!
Over the years, I've had many comments from people telling me and my husband that we were "selfish", or that my husband "must be not any sort of a man", or that I "would regret not having somebody to take care of me in my old age", and so on. I was actually asked "When are you going to quit and have children?" in a job interview.
I have NEVER regretted my decision.
No, we're not mean or selfish, and we spend time with many neighbors children, my many nieces and nephews, and friends' kids.
Now, I know what exactly to answer whenever I'm asked "Why don't you have children?":
IF IT IS ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS, YOU'D ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION.
One issue I do have as a childless person is the undue attention and consideration that is places on traditional families. For one I think untraditional families are as valid as any and often better due to the more progressive thinking that has to be present. Those are traits of tolerance and understanding that I think are positive values.
I get frosted at the pandering by pols to all we have to do "for the children" and "families."
wouldn't have so many "messed up" people running around.
We condemn China because they don't allow choice but we also have turned the
word "choice" into a dirty word that means death. Keep it, abort it, give it up for adoption
are all choices. Not having a child at all is also a choice.
I think you're for the most part wrong.
It's my experience that those who would probably be the best parents are the ones wait or don't have children at all.
You wanna look at what's weakening the next generation? Look at those who have kids that they don't really want and can't take care of.
I wish it were physically possible for my tubes to tie themselves (since due to being under 35 and childless I can't find anyone willing to tie them for me) because, as much as I love my nephews, after several hours of watching and listening to the three of them shriek, shout, climb on each other and everything, and wrestle with their parents and their uncles I'm pretty sure my tubes would do so if they could.
Though it's thankfully not demonstrated too terribly much here, the decision to not have children tends to set women (and just the women) in yet another spot where her reproductive choices are public purview.
Go to any article on the internet about abortion, contraception, food stamps, children being murdered or being in accidents, and you'll find people howling that women who can't or don't want to take care of children shouldn't be having them, preferably by stopping having sex. Then you wander up on an article about a woman choosing to not have children, and you'd think she was the devil itself.
In fact, the acknowledgement that parenting is not something you want to do, should do, or are suted to do is one of the most self-aware decisions people can make, especially in a climate permeated with the above scenario. I say good on Jen and Fletch.
Can't wait for Jeneration X!
You're right about one thing, and I noticed it too.
The very same people who comment on articles related to abortion saying "she should've kept her legs closed" are here saying just how much they think being childfree "stinks" and how everyone should have kids.
It's ridiculous.
No one EVER asks Oh, why did you have kids?
Wouldn't it be interesting just once when the lady you just met at a party says, "My Sally just started ballet." You could say, "You decided to have children?! Why in the world?"
(I have 3 children by the way, if it matter to anyone. The two youngest are still at home, and that home is with their father.)
And yes, I have been questioned about THAT too!
I would like there to be less people in the world who think it's ok to impose their morals on others but I don't think they should be forced not to breed... that would just be wrong.
Because you must be a creation of folklore or fiction in order to personally know MULTIPLE women who would much rather make the deliberate choice to spend hundreds of dollars on an invasive, increasingly-difficult-to-access, incredibly stigmatized medical procedure than make the choice to use contraception.
Also, YOU try being a childless woman under the age of 35 and obtaining sterilization. Hell, I had a coworker who both had multiple children and was in her mid-thirties who had a doctor refuse her sterilization - because 'what if something happened to one of her children?'. (Because apparently kids are like books, or dresses, or a favorite chair; if something happens to one you just get another one to replace it.)
I loved being a mom and my hubby loved being a dad and both our kids turned out very well despite one all out screaming session in a grocery store that might have turned a woman or two off procreating.
I have some wonderful child free by choice friends and family members so this article really made me laugh.