The end of Real Housewives Of Vancouver Season 2 is finally here, and I haven't felt this elated for an ending since the closing credits for Pearl Harbor. It has been a long season with these haute-couture harridans and I'm ecstatic to have them out my life. So let's get on with it, shall we?
We begin with Amanda Hansen, who's readying to host a small party to celebrate the launch of her Kombucha tea company.
(Kombucha, by the way, is a unique tea that tastes great but smells like wide-open ass. I can think of better things to do with the money from a divorce settlement.)
Amanda has a mind to give the party an Alice in Wonderland theme, with her, of course, playing the young damsel who's tumbled down the rabbit hole. She meets with Jody, who volunteers to play the Queen of Hearts and recommends Ronnie for the role of the Mad Hatter, which is perfectly fitting for the Amazon because the Mad Hatter is an erratic psycho.
(By the way, the Queen of Hearts is ugly as sin in any incarnation of Alice I've ever seen. So Jody's just right.)
Then we're whisked over to Mary-Land, where she and the Corpse Bride (Robin Reichman) are skipping along to meet with a pair of matchmakers who've narrowed down some romantic options for Mary. First they pitch an Italian ... Robin doesn't approve because she appears to have an issue with Italians. Then they pitch an "old school" gentleman who likes to skinny-dip ... and you can hardly blame Robin for rejecting him as well. Then they pitch a 50-year-old man with a "lean athletic physique." He, too, is rejected.
Finally, Robin settles on the "whole package": the last candidate is a billionaire, while the others were mere milionaires. He's "wildly successful," a business veteran, and he has time for dinner this very week. He looks awfully familiar to Robin, and he'll look familiar to you too when we come around to him.
Amanda holds her "tea party" at Van Dusen Garden, which is put at risk of going out of business as these Harpies force flowers to wilt where'er they tread. Ronnie comes as the Mad Hatter in a red-and-black costume that looks part-pirate and part-Vegas card dealer, with a little top hat set to the side. Clearly she's unfamiliar with Lewis Carroll's characters.
Then Amanda's poor boyfriend Kyle shows up, dressed as the March Hare in a full-on bunny suit. Then Jody arrives dressed simply as "the Queen," and it becomes painfully obvious that she's neither seen the Disney classic (nor Tim Burton's painful adaptation) as her costume leaves you with no opportunity to mistake her for the Queen of Hearts. The Queen of jackals and hyenas, perhaps, but not Hearts.
Jody has gotten a little dark with her jokes by this point in the episode. When she gets to Van Dusen Garden she makes the second of two quips about killing Mary, this time hoping to feed her a poisoned mushroom. Mary arrives sans Robin, who's sick, so she brings along a small cadre of friends to help protect her when she leaps into the lionesses' den. Indeed, Mary can only say hi to Ioulia when she arrives, as there's no one else willing to talk to her.
Drinks are passed around, and Ronnie opts for champagne over kombucha tea. You can't blame her for passing up the ass-scented drink, but as we all know, alcohol does for her what anger does for Bruce Banner. Finally Amanda arrives dressed as Alice, with the hope that she can have a pleasant little event to promote her company. All hope for a peaceful event is lost as Mary confronts the host about missing her birthday party. Jody cries out in her raptor-like voice for her protege to come over, and Ronnie goes to talk to her former best friend/one-time lover about how she's been doing lately.
Ronnie says that Mary hurt her feelings by not inviting her to her birthday, which should not surprise, as she didn't invite Mary to hers. Ronnie gradually gets annoyed with Jody's shrill bleating and sets the Gremlin Queen off when she sees them hug. And from there, this nice little gathering turns to Pandemonium. Ronnie accuses Robin of drugging her on her birthday; Jody forces Ronnie and Mary apart; Jody flips out at Mary, calling her a "piece of shit"; Mary fights back, which only sets Jody off further:
"Look at you, you're a piece of shit, Mary! You don't have fillers in your face, you look like a Martian! You're a piece of shit, Zilba! I'm glad you got f**ked in your life, you're a hooker, Mary, you're a hooker!"
At this point Ronnie tries to calm her down, but the Gremlin Queen is so mad she's beginning to resemble very closely the villainous queen she only halfheartedly tried to dress herself as. Her voices reaches such a shrill pitch you expect her to turn into a donkey like the bratty kids in Pinocchio. She's so hysterical that even Amanda gets annoyed with her, standing up to her and indicating that she's gone too far. Then Jody flips out at Amanda, telling her to "pick your f**king loyalty."
In an interview, Jody takes no responsibility for her outburst, blaming Amanda for simply putting her and Mary in the same room together. Ronnie's had it by this point -- she can't take Jody and Mary in the same vicinity. She says, "I think you two should just go on a slow boat to I don't give a f**k where."
Eventually Mary leaves and Jody finally calms down. She cries (yes, she has feelings!) and apologizes to Amanda for ruining her party, but doesn't quite apologize for the outburst itself. Mia tells Jody she's her role model, and the circle of enabling continues. Mary seems to brush off the night pretty quick as she prepares for her date: "I'd like to look like a million bucks. Or a billion."
She has no idea how to go on dates anymore and she's very nervous. Her publicist Colleen comes over to help her pick an outfit and Mary acts like a high school girl getting ready for her first date. "Remember, I want to know exactly what happens, blow by blow," Colleen says in a clever Escobarian slip.
Meanwhile, Ioulia is organizing an art expo that she hopes will make her a big name in Vancouver's art dealing community. She's an absolute perfectionist when it comes to hanging art on the walls. Anyway, back to Mary. She settles on a cleavage-baring purple dress for her date at Seasons in the Park, waiting and waiting for Prince Charming to arrive. She waits nervously, until finally he comes through the door, and ... wait, hang on ... I know that guy ... Google him ... yes, it's Brett! Brett Wilson from Dragon's Den! And even Mary is cultured enough to know who he is!
From here, the episode unfolds like a textbook lesson in dating: be a billionaire, and you will impress a woman with anything you say. Mary says she's lived in Vancouver for 18 years. "So, since you were 10," Brett says, making her giggle. Brett comes bearing gifts, one a multi-wrap wristlet/necklace from a company he owns. He also brings along his book, "Redefining Success," which Mary promises she'll read (hey, she's literate!).
Mary asks him if he'll autograph it for her, he says sure, so long as she writes down her number. GROAN! The date seems to go pretty well, proving that humans aren't nearly the evolved creatures we think we are. Women still want security, and men still want good lineage, and that's precisely what these two can provide for each other.
Then we're back to Ioulia, who is frantically trying to put her art expo together. She's nervous as this is a make-or-break event for her. You really have to admire her for doing this -- she may be living off her husband's wealth, but she's really getting out there and trying to be a success on her own terms. Ioulia works the room in her typically charming-yet-gruff manner, saying all along that she can't afford to have any screw-ups. So you wonder why she invited the housewives, who are due for an epic showdown at season's end.
Mary and Robin bring along a posse including Fiona Forbes, a familiar face from Shaw Cable's "Urban Rush." Robin is disappointed to see that Ronnie hasn't arrived yet. You see, the Corpse Bride wants to confront the Amazon over the time she accused her of drugging her on her birthday, when it was obvious that Ronnie was just slamming back booze from 9:30 a.m. until 2 a.m.
Robin confronts her when she arrives, saying that "You can say I had a lesbian affair with you and I'll take it a whole lot better, but saying I drugged you, I can't tolerate that because I know I didn't do it."
Good line, rife with subtlety, and Ronnie knows she's in the wrong because all she can do is get standoffish, deny what she said and say, "F**k you, f**k you, bye-bye!" before she leaves the event altogether. She's out of our lives, and Robin has won the match. Win-win, I say.
Meanwhile, Mary is working up the nerve to confront Jody. She catches up with the Gremlin Queen in a corner of the gallery and tries to convince her that she's not the vindictive witch that Jody makes her out to be. Jody has none of it, and for a minute it looks like she'll melt down again before Mary apologizes for saying "something" that may have hurt Jody in the past. For a few seconds, you wonder whether these two will reach a moment of catharsis that will give this season a touching ending, and...
"You have bad breath." Awww, Jody! You can do better than that!
And then it's time for a Breakfast Club-style sendoff. There is nothing worth noting about Jody's future, because she just continues to be the same vile human being with bitumen pumping through her veins. Amanda goes on to end her long-distance relationship with Kyle, making you wonder if he was the one who pulled the trigger after the Van Dusen tea party.
Ioulia is elated at selling a bunch of paintings, but those aren't the only things she unloaded. Between the end of filming and the airing of this show, she also dropped her Porsche, her condo ... and her husband, mining magnate Damien Reynolds.
Robin and Mary leave together, and Mary still believes she's a good, kind person. The credits explain she's launching a beauty line, "likely featuring a breath freshener." Robin sticks by her side. The credits explain, "Robin hasn't recorded with Mary yet ... but she still backs her up."
Ronnie returns home, and the credits explain she is "done messing with Texas ... the rest of the world better watch out though."
"Oh my God, those bitches are crazy," she says.
Last word goes to Ioulia. She wants to make a speech at the art expo, but she gets a little too drunk to say anything coherently.
"I just want to say thank you so much to everyone for coming," she says.
Girl, you're welcome.
From L - R: Ronnie, Robin, Jody, Amanda, Mary, and Ioulia
Follow Jesse Ferreras on Twitter: www.twitter.com/jesseferreras